I feel horrible

I've been on predisone, an anti-inflammatory for my heart and lung lining. Its a steroid, a little more intense than the decadron I was on during chemo in that it makes me zippy, gives me back my menopausal hot flashes, and I think that's it. Rather than make me ravenously "eat now" hungry all the time like the decadron. I have to take a sleeping pill at night, if I don't I'll not be able to sleep like in the hospital (my 36 hr stint). So yesterday was my first out of hospital day and I was feeling really zippy and good (but I had to take breaks). This morning however, I woke up with an upset stomach, that actually kept me from sleeping very well last night. So this morning I woke up not feeling well and I just feel crappy all day. Not crappy, but like my guts were sucked from me and my soul is in Hawaii. I feel tired, empty, lethargic, icky, sad, tears, hugs, love, sad, sick to my stomach, panicky, want to do stuff (the steroids), but then again like I am living with an absolute inability to "do" anything but sit on my butt or lay in bed and wish time to go by.
I am, as a friend remarked in yesterdays comment, still in cancer treatment, and though I wish I was over it. In fact, all along during my chemo treatment kept the forward goal thought was this, "After chemo, I am going to start feeling good after a couple of weeks. I'll be able to eat sushi, get pedicures, start feeling good, take walks, shit even just walk around the block." But the fact is, is that I am tired walking in my 700 SQFT house doing anything for longer than a half hour.
So, I am reluctantly realizing that I am not in anyway shape or form, healthy yet. I am sick and I need to not do a damn thing. The steroids it feels like, at least right now, they make me feel really shaky, dizzy, at the sametime zippy. I am pissed off that this is the case.
Luckily, Keiko is here and she has done everything for me. She has painted my bathroom (twice), she has put all my art on the walls, she has put away boxes of stuff in their rightful homes, she has folded my clothes and put them in their places, she has unpacked all my bathroom (I am not only a tea whore, but also a product whore) products and stored them for the day in a few months that my hair will be long enough to use again, and the day that my vanity will inspire me to use it as well. And on top of all that she's held my hand, held me, and hugged me non-stop.
Even with all this love, today is a bad day and I am weak and sick.

Off to chemo

Well...today number three. Tomorrow, I can say, "Just two more!" I have been pretty weak all week. I went grocery shopping, stopped by my office, and got really sick just being out. My eyes are still flowing with tears. I am getting really sick of it. And starting to worry that the surgery didn't "take". I worry about snowboarding for instance. With gloves on, goggles on, and the cold weather, it would be very difficult to wipe my eyes so I can see to snow board!
I am afraid my counts are super low again, and he might cancel my chemo today. But maybe not, it seems I am always wrong about these things. Food is all together gross right now. The idea of eating just makes me sick to my stomach. I usually wake up starving and have what I am going to make for breakfast fixed up in my mind before I get out of bed. The past few days, I can't eat until around 10 and then its a small amount before I start getting sick. Right now I have eggs boiling, that sounds good for lunch.
D is taking me to chemo today. I will post a picture later if I feel up to it. I want pic's of the last three with me getting the chemo and me holding up my fingers. The count down is on!!

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Chemo did get cancelled. I am back in bed now. My blood counts are so low that he said if they get any lower I could end up in the hospital. So...now I will be done January 7th. I am so bummed. I begged, I mean begged him to give it to me. Will see if this week ends up being a good week. Last break I had was such a disappointment that I am not getting my hopes up.