New Day

Well, my hand is still hurting but not nearly as bad as it has been. I can type with discomfort today. I realized through this whole pain thing for almost one week now, that I would not be able to handle life if I had constant debilitating pain, for the rest of my life. I even have more respect today for my mom, that she was able to endure nine years of it. I also realized that I highly doubt I will be able to do chemo tomorrow. The swelling has gone down, but I still have a swelling like I did the first day. I have a goose egg size bump on my thumb and you still can't see my tendons in my hand. I leave for the hospital in a bit to get another round of IV antibiotics.
Yesterday, hundreds of plants were put into the ground at our house. We now have a fully landscaped, beautiful yard. Today, the fence is starting to get built and D is less stressed. Getting cancer in the middle to end of a remodel I think ranks high with one of the less opportune times to get "it".
I have been thinking and..At the end of the day, we came into this world on our own with the help of our mothers. And at the end, when we die, we go to a place all our own. And in this journey, not that D isn't there in the way he can be, and not that family and friends aren't there, because I am getting lots of support, but in the end, in the end, I am the one laying in bed alone with my body, my pain, my sorrow, my grief, my shock, my joy, my fervour for life, that no one in the entire world can touch. That is the loneliness of this journey. And it is the Magick. It encompasses all that is. It is a very high spiritual place. I can, and do at times cry because this place is hard. But in this place of hardness, I believe I am growing to be a stronger woman and someday a better mom. One day, I will be able to give to my little tigers more and from more of a compassionate place because I know how much we are on our own, and how it is to need comfort, when comfort still doesn't take away the pain, or the sadness.