So Good

I am so thankful for this past week of feeling good again. I really have felt totally like myself for only about four days, but those days have been wonderful. Today I think was the best yet. Did I mention how much I have always loved my ability to mulit-task at a high level? I mean I love it. Today, my mind was working full swing and I was able to think way in the future about all the little things I got to plan for and to execute. The difference now is that I don't let any of it stress me out. For that lesson alone, I am thankful. I still run into friends that don't know I have cancer and its so insane to relive those early days of how it felt to share my news. Now when I share the news, there is strength in the telling and not a feeling of morbidity. I guess there is still that sense of who the hell really knows but not on such a deep level. I am an optimist but I cannot totally believe in a 100% cure since it was and is still so incredibly shocking that I "got" it in the first place. I sure as hell hope and send positive energy out there but at the end of the day none of us really knows when our time is and will be.
I just get to live with that heightened awareness for the rest of my life. I think that is a good thing. I think.

A better day

Today has been up and down with me simply not feeling good and being really tired. There is a huge part of me that is scared of doing this chemo and I am really upset about it. This is something that I just have to set aside and not dwell on because it doesn't help anything at all. But I am scared of it. I am scared that the drugs are ruining my body somehow and taking years off of my life. I feel sad that I am so young and so healthy and that I have to face this. I feel pretty devastated by it. I just want a normal life, and this is hard to set aside when I am out in public. When I am at home, I can just fall asleep and spend my waking hours watching TV, as today and the past week are not days that are full of energy and excitement. I can't believe that its August and summer of 2008 has gone by and I spent the summer dealing with this. The scary part is that I still have months and months of dealing with this.
When my Dad was here, I had a short five minutes of a pitty party with him. He didn't let me stay in it longer than a few minutes and this post and those feelings I am setting aside are reminiscent of that party. This sucks and I am bummed. My stomach doesn't feel good today and I am exhausted. I am pretty sad lately, and there is nothing around that. Its just a simple fact.