Where am I, and what am I?

I know, I do. I know now more than ever who and what I am. Its actually a wonderful place I am in or at right now. Not like before, where I stood on the edge of a cliff and new I was going to jump and surrender. Now, its a place of two worlds. Worlds that I love dearly. There is so much Love. There is the "old" Heather, the pre-cancer that is just amazing and I love her so much. And then there is the "cancer" Heather. And I too, Love her so much. Many of my tears come from her. Well, many of them come from this "new" Heather too. I feel like I am in the middle of two worlds, two destinations, and in those places comes the three. The three places, the three selves. Do you guys remember one of my earliest posts when I spoke of how cancer was claiming a prescense (damn it, the chemo stole my brilliant type A, love of spelling) in the room? I forget how it went. But how it goes now, is that cancer is now at Swedish Cancer institute. It lives there. My cancer lives there. It is not with me, it is not in my hands, it is not in my fate, it is not a part of my NEW life, it is on Madison street, in Seattle. Not a part of this life. I told my Onc yesterday that I wanted him to teach my how to do my own breast exam. He began to do so, but then I started to panick. And I realized that if I do monthly checks myself, I am going to freak myself out. I am going to be checking constantly and panicking myself about a lump, because my breasts have lumps. Their dense. So, I told him, I can't. He said, not to worry, that I'll be in there all the time, and he can do it. Great! I'll have him do it. It will be his responsibility. I can let go of all these worries, and just be in the present moment with living. Reclaiming my life, my health, my laughter, my sheer joy for adventure and for love.
So....I am in this place of coming together. How incredible!!
My hair is getting longer and I now can really see a difference if there isn't goop in it. Its fun to smell pretty again. I'm excited to wake up early tomorrow and put on my gardening gloves and pull some weeds. Some city weeds. If I was on Vashon, I'd have to get ready to get in line to catch the ferry. Which is an adventure as well. But, right now, pulling my own weeds is better time spent. Although, visiting with a friend in the ferry line, melts my heart. There are the two worlds again. Being in the city is all about Time and Energy. And being on Island is all about Love. I realize how silly it is that Time and Energy are winning out at this moment. I do recognize this. For the first time in my entire life, I see the value of Time and Energy, and see that it gives my heart a chance to Love myself and mellow myself out. Which grounds me. Which enables and will enable me to put out more love. And the Love I speak of on the island, is Love being received and given, but in small quick doses. But it is deeper, more nourishing. Some day, life will be slower again, and I'll chop my own wood again, and build my own fire, and sit and watch the fire speak to me and tell me stories. Until then, I will enjoy pulling my city weeds.

A week of non-rest

I thought the house sit job out on Vashon would be a great idea. For years I have been longing to move out here. It just happens, that my massage practice more than tripled over night this month, and then my real esate business got the busiest its ever been, and 99% of all that work is in the city. Not on island. So, I have been leaving early in the mornings and like last night, didn't get back until 10 pm. I have only had a chance to have dinner with a few friends once. Moving to the island is totally out, at least not until my life is in a place that I can slow down a bit more.
The time alone has been wonderful. I do enjoy and am warmed my the heart connections out here, the lone peacock cry, and the stillness. And maybe being on the steroids and being agitated doesn't help me get to a place of relaxation as well. Not sure. All I know is that I am never on island it seems, and so I cancelled my month long jaunt for June/part of July out here. Its just too much. I need to be in the city, with all my stuff, and start to live life around that. Not more change right now. I need to integrate my selves first and then, maybe I can do crazy stuff later.
I was too late on renting the covered shelter at the park in WS. Which is fine. I am thrilled for the new plan. I've rented an incredible place on island, that will house my family for the weekend, and then I can invite a few close friends to celebrate my life. I am excited to do this. So, sorry all. I will have the rager (haha) next year!
At a drop of a hat, anything can and does throw me for a loop. I cannot wait to see my cardio on Wed to hopefully get the steroid reduced. Here's a great example.
Last night, I massage a new client couple. The wife I don't see, as she's putting the kids to bed. I massage the husband, wash my hands, (now the whole time wiping my eye with my shirt sleeve because its still a wee bit watery) and I'm in the kitchen washing my hands and the wife comes in. Introduces herself by saying, did he tell you what happened to me this week? She got pink eye on Friday (a few days ago) and she wanted to know if I wanted to give her a massage still. It was incredibly difficult for me to not want to strangle her, as she now has put me at a huge risk of getting this. Its very catchy. She didn't even call me and give me the chance to make my own decision if I wanted to walk into her house. I was so pissed. INCREDIBLE! I was as gracious as I could be. But when she said, well call me if you get it, and I said, "Oh, I will. Because I'll have to cancel with everybody." I mean, please. Right? Oh, here I go again.
So, the normal Heather might just be upset for a few minutes and then let it go. But the steroid Heather was upset and cried all the way to the ferrry, on the ride across the water, and then I even woke up in the middle of the night and rehashed it some more.
All the time, trying to calm myself down. I think its one of the lamest things that a client has ever done in my 14 years of practice. The husband could have warned me. Or earlier in the day, when I spoke to her to confirm the appointment she could have mentioned her eyes were all itchy, weepy. and oozy from Pink Eye! Okay, well. now I am laughing. Some people, I don't get!

I'm seeing my Onc on Wed as well. I will not be touching my eyes today. When the get wet, I will have to dab them with a new tissue, and then wash my hands immediately, just in case.