Showing posts with label cancer book. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer book. Show all posts
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Reconstructing and Running..
Just a little update to let you know that my blog is going to be undergoing a few changes. I'm adding lables so that you all if wanting to read posts on Triple Negative, for example, or posts for Hope, can just click on that word and it'll bring you to my posts on that subject. Please bare with me while I slump them together.Life is full of LIFE right now. I am back in school, working towards my goal of committing my life to young people with cancer, and to help support their families/friends as well. I'm working on my book still. There is much resistance to throwing myself at it full bore. Mainly, the nightmares that come with it, are real. The book is one of Hope and inspiration and I've decided to leave all the gory details here and if folks reading the book want to, they may visit the blog and read all the truth. This is a lot of sharing, and for those that need and desire information or someone to relate to you can now check out posts that are particular to what you seek. Most everyone will not have such a difficult time with treatment as I did. With that being said, my blog is full of inspiration and love for myself, as I learn to love myself more as I face the fight of my life. Please, feel free to email me if you need support or simply want to say hello.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Enough Talk
Well, here I am just finishing 2 years and 22 days of being done with treatment and I still find myself processing what I went through. In fact, I have been reclaiming my New life, My New Normal, and incorporating all that I learned into this new life. But I have yet sat in the pain. I have yet stopped and looked over the crevice. I have been whooping it up and recalibrating. Both were incredibly normal and “right “ things to do for a young woman.
The longer I chose to not sit in a yogic lotus posture, the longer I chose to not sit with the pain that was in my stomach churning and whirling, the longer the snake grew up my spin and has cluttered my mind, my thoughts, my dreams, and now has made this life that I so hummingbirdly love a messy, at times wound driven chaos of superficial thumb sucking fun.
I thought removing myself from city living and moving to an island would do the trick. Oh, the tricks we play on ourselves when we are just crying wolf. How long do we choose to run before we actually walk our walk and know thyself?
As I sit here in my cozy cabin, with a fire that needs to be stoked, and large spring Pacific NW raindrops falling on the roof, with the impending thunder that I can feel needing to break me free from all of my fallacies….
It’s very easy to judge the way I've chosen to “reintegrate”. Whether I was running from the work I needed to do or not, who knows. Who’s to say the work of being and enjoying wasn’t work in and of it self. But, I do know that I need to be alone, or if a man is in my life, make sure he is a King and one that lovingly, respectfully, and honorably can give me the time, and space to heal, and who will love me through that. So, here I am folks. I have been all talk up to this point.
Here I am. Yes, the chapters are etched out, and scribbled and scrawled in a wee bit. The real work will come first in a calm, mindful, sitting position. With Me, Myself, and my Pain. No one deserves to be told what I was told, those words, and those simple words: heather you do have cancer. That shock, the utter despair, I am going to call forth and move forth. I’m ready to sit in the sadness of what was my reality because I am finally strong enough to believe, almost believe that it was a WAS and I am Safe to again Live.
The longer I chose to not sit in a yogic lotus posture, the longer I chose to not sit with the pain that was in my stomach churning and whirling, the longer the snake grew up my spin and has cluttered my mind, my thoughts, my dreams, and now has made this life that I so hummingbirdly love a messy, at times wound driven chaos of superficial thumb sucking fun.
I thought removing myself from city living and moving to an island would do the trick. Oh, the tricks we play on ourselves when we are just crying wolf. How long do we choose to run before we actually walk our walk and know thyself?
As I sit here in my cozy cabin, with a fire that needs to be stoked, and large spring Pacific NW raindrops falling on the roof, with the impending thunder that I can feel needing to break me free from all of my fallacies….
It’s very easy to judge the way I've chosen to “reintegrate”. Whether I was running from the work I needed to do or not, who knows. Who’s to say the work of being and enjoying wasn’t work in and of it self. But, I do know that I need to be alone, or if a man is in my life, make sure he is a King and one that lovingly, respectfully, and honorably can give me the time, and space to heal, and who will love me through that. So, here I am folks. I have been all talk up to this point.
Here I am. Yes, the chapters are etched out, and scribbled and scrawled in a wee bit. The real work will come first in a calm, mindful, sitting position. With Me, Myself, and my Pain. No one deserves to be told what I was told, those words, and those simple words: heather you do have cancer. That shock, the utter despair, I am going to call forth and move forth. I’m ready to sit in the sadness of what was my reality because I am finally strong enough to believe, almost believe that it was a WAS and I am Safe to again Live.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Time to start the recovery
I am list maker, and here will be a simple list of my To Do's that I need to do for me. I am listing them here, because they will be out of the hat...
1. Call Cancer Talky-Talk Therapist~ make appointment
2. Call Fred Hutch and find out their post-cancer cleansing routine
3. Talk to my Onc about who and where he recommends I go to do the cleansing routine
4. Call my Cancer ND and ask what their routine is for cleansing
5. Call my old ND and ask her who she saw when she was done with chemo
******
Okay, the list is made. The list I've been putting off. Its time to stop holding my breath. I've been asked a few times if this blog is going to have an ending. I've put a lot of thought into that, and this is what has come to me, in a story form of coarse.
A few months ago, I would tell people, "Wow! I am back! I am seriously back to Heather! I feel great!!" But in reality, a week later, I would feel even better, and more whole. Three months later, I can tell you that I "100% feel like Heather, now." But really, do I? I am coming to realize just how hard this was for me. I got done with treatment, left my husband when I was healthy enough, and then had a summer of reconnecting with the Heather I have always known. Seeing all my friends and loved ones. There was an intense celebration, at the end of the finish line.
Like my friend said to me the other day, that has run 6 Iron Man's, he explained to me how he felt at the end of one. As he was running the last two miles, the sheer energy from the crowds was enough to catapult him to the finish line, at which point he collapsed into the arms of the two volunteers.
I think its my athlete in me that keeps comparing what I just went through to some sport, but there are so many similarities. I got to the end of the finish line, had a party, and now, I need to heal. I need to let my muscles and my mind, come back to a non-fatigued, state.
And so, this process, this ending, this last chapter of my journey to health, well...I'm still on it. Its just as much a part of it as any other part so far.
I do feel great. But there are times in my Hummingbird self, that are blue. That are sad. I lost a lot. Mmmm... A better way to look at that I think is, I surrendered a lot. It was a choice. Yes, I like that much better. So readers, I will be writing for a while longer.
I am contemplating turning this blog into a book, as is. Many of you have requested just this. I poo-poo'd the idea. But am starting to see it.
Off for a run. I get to go for a run! Yipppee!!
1. Call Cancer Talky-Talk Therapist~ make appointment
2. Call Fred Hutch and find out their post-cancer cleansing routine
3. Talk to my Onc about who and where he recommends I go to do the cleansing routine
4. Call my Cancer ND and ask what their routine is for cleansing
5. Call my old ND and ask her who she saw when she was done with chemo
******
Okay, the list is made. The list I've been putting off. Its time to stop holding my breath. I've been asked a few times if this blog is going to have an ending. I've put a lot of thought into that, and this is what has come to me, in a story form of coarse.
A few months ago, I would tell people, "Wow! I am back! I am seriously back to Heather! I feel great!!" But in reality, a week later, I would feel even better, and more whole. Three months later, I can tell you that I "100% feel like Heather, now." But really, do I? I am coming to realize just how hard this was for me. I got done with treatment, left my husband when I was healthy enough, and then had a summer of reconnecting with the Heather I have always known. Seeing all my friends and loved ones. There was an intense celebration, at the end of the finish line.
Like my friend said to me the other day, that has run 6 Iron Man's, he explained to me how he felt at the end of one. As he was running the last two miles, the sheer energy from the crowds was enough to catapult him to the finish line, at which point he collapsed into the arms of the two volunteers.
I think its my athlete in me that keeps comparing what I just went through to some sport, but there are so many similarities. I got to the end of the finish line, had a party, and now, I need to heal. I need to let my muscles and my mind, come back to a non-fatigued, state.
And so, this process, this ending, this last chapter of my journey to health, well...I'm still on it. Its just as much a part of it as any other part so far.
I do feel great. But there are times in my Hummingbird self, that are blue. That are sad. I lost a lot. Mmmm... A better way to look at that I think is, I surrendered a lot. It was a choice. Yes, I like that much better. So readers, I will be writing for a while longer.
I am contemplating turning this blog into a book, as is. Many of you have requested just this. I poo-poo'd the idea. But am starting to see it.
Off for a run. I get to go for a run! Yipppee!!
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