Hamster & The Wheel

Learning to live life again is intense. I was "off" for so long, learning so much about myself and just fighting to live, fighting my ego in the process of surrendering actually. I think that is the biggest one I learned this past year, in every aspect, was surrender. Like a cat who is a good kittie who has no intention to suddenly scratch you, but a kittie laying in the sun, on its back with all limbs thrown every which way. That is surrender. The picture I had for myself was the open palm, with curled fingers. And I would say to myself, nope, curled won't do. You must open further, just when I didn't think I could anymore, you find it.
Boring and exciting stuff....I've been working. I've been working too much. I am finally acknowledging this. Why is it that now that I am done, all I want to do is work? Its either extreme really, work or go on a vacation...I got to find the equilibrium with those two tasks.

Since I haven't been writing in this its hard to go deep about some of the great things that have happened. I need to start writing in here regularly. Yesterday I tromped my stuff over to my new house that I am living in. No more house sitting here and there. I unpacked, and am excited to be here. To start my new life. To get into my new routines, and that will allow me to write again.

This past weekend was a lot of fun. The most fun I've had since I was diagnosed. I went to the OCF, and was united with literally 100's of friends. I have always been the kind of person that has tons of groups of friends, so I end up knowing lots of people, and the faire is a lot of fun in that way. The whole idea that we are all connected in some way, is always evident there. As I spend my days running around hugging and catching up with everyone. I loved every minute of it. I got to a place of relaxation there that I haven't felt in so so long. I was able to sleep, which was unbelievable as live music played into the wee morning hours regularly. But I went to bed, (I resisted the temptation to stay up with everyone and chose to take care of myself) and found myself waking up and doing a little dance in my tent under my covers and then going back to sleep when I was touched the music. I finally slept a real nights sleep of 7 hours, phew! And its stuck, I am sleeping normally again.

When I got back I saw a bunch of doctors. I saw my new cardiologist who IS EXACTLY WHO I SHOULD HAVE SEEN a long time ago! I got to talk to my Onc about his referrals of lame cardio's. The lame part is that these other doc's have been scaring me and just guessing. She looked at me and said, "this is not common, but its also not uncommon. You will be fine. You do not have cancer in your chest, this is simply your body having an inflammatory response to the chemo/radiation."

Phew...I was able to breath again. She said I should be better in the next 3-6 months, and that I do not need to be on all these meds. In fact she has already started my taper off the IB profuren. My heart is still hurting a tad, but its good. Next week I go in for a stress eccho. Which is where I'll run on a treadmill and they'll do an echo before and after.

Overall, I have been feeling totally prednisoned out. Very very irritable, very irrational at moments, you got the picture. Luckily I'm getting pretty good at recognizing when I am acting like a maniac, and try to calm myself down. Now this is only possible because now I'm only on a measly 2.5 mg. I am sure this new found ability to calm myself down would go out the window if I was on 20 mg for longer than a few days. :)

I am enjoying connecting with all my friends in the city and vashon again. This is going to be a great summer, if I can slow down. OH! Which brings me back to what the new cardio said. She told me I needed to stop working so hard. She said that the stress of over-working causes my adrenals to be depleted which causes inflammation in the body. So I will try to slow down. Right now I WANT to work hard, not sure why. Maybe its just that I have been storing up for this day. I layed around for so long, I just want to LIVE.

I need to book myself a yoga retreat at Hollyhock or something. I am also going to take advantage of my mornings again. I think if I start later in the day that is better. I can chill, drink tea, go for a run, or do yoga and then work like a little hamster on its wheel. I love the wheel. I do. I just need to have the wheel jump its track sometimes and GO DO something else...regardless its doing something. We always are doing something. Why is work such a bad thing in our society? Why if I work do my adrenals get taxed? That's a silly question. I know how good it feels to do nothing and sink my toes into sand. Did I mention that my favorite secret beach in the city is just down the road from my new house? ( I do not, NOT have a huge smile across my face right now)