The blank space

My mind is kind of filled with nothingness the past few days. Kind of just not sure what to do, what to think, how much to plan for, how little to plan for, so I just don't. Tomorrow, is the end or the beginning.
As I see it, its 1%. But I was that 1% once already. And it got me, that time. Its easy for people to say not to worry, but really, what is there to worry about. In the end. Its death anyways. That day that it is.
I have three options.
1. Its not cancer, and I get to go on living my little survivor life.

2. It is cancer, and I do treatment

3. It is cancer, and I do not do treatment.

I am heavily leaning to day for #1, or #3.

Mainly because I've already hit it as hard as I can the first time, I couldn't even finish all the chemo's. K, said, "you are done," So done I was. I much rather live my life as healthy and happy and feeling good with the occasional flu/cold then be sick as death again. No thank you. Once was enough.

So, I am leaning for those two. The shock that I was diagnosed with it in the first place takes away my positive thought ability, and leads me into the, WTF reality of possibility. (for those of you older folks that are not down with the WTF, it means what the fuck).
Okay. I didn't write about this little lump at all on here for a long while, I didn't talk to anybody about it for a long while, and now its out. I needed to be real about it. Kindof like the first time. I found it. Sat with it for a while. Then oh so casually mentioned it, to He who will not be named. This time, it started out not feeling like it did the first time. But months later, like 4 months later, it feels like that again.
Okay, enough talking about it. I'll know soon enough.
I am going to take a whole sleeping pill tonight. Not a half.
You know, if it is cancer, I had an incredible summer. I really did. I think, if I do have surgery to remove it, I'll wake up in that groggy place and my surgeon will say, cancer or no, and if it is cancer, I'll immediately ask for (I should ask prior to surgery for this to happen) but if it is, then I am just going to ask to be knocked out on drugs for a week. I need to. My brain will need to. And then, I can look at my two options. Sick and see how long I live, or Live as long as I can as long as I can...Mmmm..kindof sounds like a no brainer to me.

On a happier note, I get to see my nephew in a few weeks, and I am really excited for that.