Fall breezes

I'm sitting here in my house in Madrona and re-reading my recent blog posts. This has been something I've done from the beginning. I read, and re-read and read again. Its beginning to feel like a distant nightmare, that triggers tears and belly cries. I cannot believe it is the end of September. My last blog entry I was in Northern Cali, in St. Helena visiting my dear friend Keiko who, even though she is younger than me, and a strong Capricorn woman, she often plays the part of my bigger sis in my life. I called her today, and told her how much I needed that trip. I was literally the tasmanian devil whirling around and around. The Tasmanian Devil, while doing yoga...and listening to tango music..The good thing out of that trip, was that I had a few nights of real solid sleep. With sleeping pills, but at least I slept.
But really, I couldn't sleep, I was as manic as manic gets, and she helped ground me out. I began doing yoga again, we drank lots of yummy Rose` and I started the long process of get grounded again. I was grounded before, but there was a harnessing of my new powers that needed to take place. I think being done with cancer treatment, at least for me, and coming back to a place of good health, feeling good, a sound mind, just was a spinning tornado of energy and love. Incredibly powerful time. I came home for a short time, and had a week of doing a bazillion massages and tons of real estate, and then was the port removal. On the 18th.
The sad thing that happened before that was a phone call from my Dad telling me that my Nana is ready to die, and doesn't want to eat anymore. I rushed down to Seaside to spend a few days with her, before surgery. Then the day came, the port removal day!!
Tamara got to my house at 5:30 AM, and even though all the neighbors were sleeping, I opened the windows from the top floor and hollered out a YIPPPEEEE!!! She ssshhhhed me with laughter and I ran down to greet her again. The removal was a biggie. I was letting go of my security blanket. Very strange that it turned into that for me. I miss it. Mr. C saved it for me. I have it. I haven't looked at it yet though. As I was in the room waiting to be brought into surgery. I missed my soon to be X, and I missed his mom, my mother-in-law for life. She has been an amazing love of mine and a treasure that I will never lose. I remembered how scared of all the unknown I was a year or so ago. July 1st, 2008 my port was put in, and my cancer removed. I had no idea how big it was, or where it had gone. I had to surrender to the unknowns and be. That was hard. Surrendering got easier. But that was a sad day. I remembered how my Dad showed up, and surprised me.
I got out of surgery, and was not sick at all. Thank God! I found out this year that I have my Nana's body chemistry and am allergic to most pain meds. Last time I puked and puked and puked some more. No fun. This time I opted just to take Advil, which I didn't even need. No pain. Really. Tamara and I layed around and slept. I slept and slept and slept.
Sleep starting getting easier for me after the port removal. I can actually say, that I am now sleeping at least 9-11 hours a night, with no aids.
I made myself stay home the next day. I did nothing. I read, I played on my computer, and that was it. I drank lots of tea, and relaxed. The following day, I drove down to Seaside. I basically have spent the last couple of weeks off and on there. My Nana passed away a few days ago. I wasn't there. I didn't want to be. I said my good byes, and I just am not good, even with all the facing death stuff, I am not good with queasy icky body deteriorating stuff. I didn't want to remember my Nana, in icky ways. She was always such a lovely person. I wanted to think of her in that way. She was okay with it.
I have been hiking tons, in my hometown and surrounding areas. Playing with lots of my childhood friends that have moved back to the Coast, and driving tons. I am really not looking forward to again, tomorrow driving back down to Seaside, after my big day in court with D, getting a divorce, and waking up Wed. to my Nana's funeral. I have to drive back Wednesday, as I fly out in the wee hours Thursday for my Nana's funeral in Tennessee, wehre our entire family lives.

Life is full right now. LIfe easily gets swirled into being ungrounded, as I am re-learning how to juggle life. But really, I feel like I am doing awesome. Who else can face, ending cancer, getting a divorce, and losing their most loved person in their life within 2 weeks and not be a crumpled mess on the floor? ME!! I am well. Of coarse life is full and crazy, and I just keep reminding myself that this will pass. As I walked around Greenlake today, I welcomed in the fall as I kicked an Oak leaf that had made its way to the ground. I am looking forward to my fall relaxation and soup time. Making soup for me, for my health, and for no one else. Just me. I'll probably make less, or invite friends over to eat with me. I am excited to slow down and to start reading my blog and writing my book. September was not the month for starting something new. It was a month of letting go, with love and full surrender, all of which I was able to do with grace as cancer made that possible. Thank You, Cancer.