Needed Disclaimer

I spoke with my father in law this morning and he expressed to me how difficult it is for him and his wife to read my blog for them. Difficult for very valid reasons. He made the point that since I am putting all my emotions out there for everyone to read that he is concerned. He also finds himself reading my blog and not knowing where I am at emotionally. He is concerned for my well being. I understand. I guess reading my blog is kind of like going to a book club with a bunch of ladies. There is one book, and a lots of different women reading this book through their experiences of life. That is the one thing that makes a book club work, and fun. There are so many different interpretations on the lenses of life.
I want to first of all say, that the Heather that started this blog is still a loving, free spirited, strong, positive, happy, soldier. I am. That has not changed, and will NEVER change. However, as with any cycle of grieving, there are stages. And you all are reading my journal. My process. For those of you that are more private, my sharing may be too much for you. Or for those of you that love me with all your heart and are private people, this may be too much for you to bear. Dad, you are one of those. I know you cannot handle reading my blog, it makes you cry, and you get to sad for me. But everyone, I am still writing to my Dad, even though he is not reading it. Why? Because it is my process. I have always been an open person.
The reason for this is that I have grown as a young adult and now woman because of you all sharing and opening your lives with me. As an evolving spirit, this is how we grow I believe. I feel that as an emerging society we tend to lock ourselves up and not share with others how we really feel, or how our days really are. But as simple human beings it is in our deepest core that we thirst for this connection. I learn and thrive from this. I appreciate and honour that this is foreign to many of you, and to my beloved husband. I thank him for allowing me to process in my way. If I wasn't this would all be unbearable to me. This single act along, is huge. So, for those of you that feel that this is not in a million years what you would do, even if the Head leader of FARC was going to cut your toes off one by one, please honour that this is my process. If it is too much for you, don't read it. I feel your support many many ways. Not from reading my blog.
One more thing, I am grieving. Every emotion I am writing about is real. Every cancer survivor, every doctor, every social oncologist that reads this blog emails me privately or for the brave that post comments, tell me that I am right where I should be. It may be very difficult to understand all the words that I write here, as you haven't walked in the world of cancer. I may spend days saying that I am anger and I may use the F word for a week, but know that my spirit can never be crushed. My spirit is still alive and flourishing, it is just processes. I feel like I was the blueberry bush that we just transplanted, right before it was to bear fruit. For all you gardeners out there that know this is a NO, NO, you never transplant when a plant is just budding. But you know what, to my delight, with a lot of water, even in the hottest days of July, that bush IS bearing blueberries. Lots of them. They are not as sweet as they were last year, and definetly not as juicy but NEXT year watch out. And I have so much awe of this mature bush. It survived, its fighting not only to live but to keep living. It is able to bear fruit in the midst of having the very soil and roots that have been planted so deeply in the ground, up rooted it is adjusting. Some days, some leaves are yellow and not pretty and they look sad. But when I water the bush, it gets happy and then when the sun gets really hot and its had a rough day, just trying to cope with making new roots, it survives.
The other plants in the yard that didn't get transplanted, like our cherrie trees do not understand what the blueberry bush is going through. All the cherry tree can say to the blueberry bush, is its own challenges. Like when one of its roots got severed by a giant machine and its limbs got cut. But it really doesn't know how hard the blueberry bush is pushing to keep producing happiness and berries. My life is like this. My blog is like this. My intention is to try to share with others my unique experience. My journal is to help others with their journey. My journal is giving me the strength to keep fighting. A fight that is not always pretty.
A man once said to me, smile. I got so angry with him because at that moment I was thinking. A deep thought that didn't make me want to smile. If I had smiled for him, it was only to make him feel like he had cheered me up, he had made me feel better. He didn't understand that I was smiling inside, I was just thinking. Many of my words may not make sense to you, because you are not in my head. So, a disclaimer is being made. I feel all of your support in the ways that you would like to support me. Please do not feel that you need to do anything, as I am on my journey, that does not support your growth as a human being. I love all of you, and again, this blog is TITLED: Heather's Journey. It will never be your journey, so you cannot read this as a journey you are on. It is my process, mine alone, and I own it. I own every feeling, every sharp, wild, nonsensical feeling. Because it all makes sense to me. Love you all with all the love in my heart. If you are here, you are here out of love, or out of your own suffering and you are able to connect with the wild journey we ALL call life.