Today, was not a good day after all. I called a family member today, a few of them and cried. Today is day 6. I was hoping to go to Costco, maybe even mow the lawn for a bit of exercise, (it rained so I couldn't anyways) and by 10 am I was flat on my back, in bed. I woke up feeling great, I started organizing the kitchen and by 10, I suddenly felt nauseous and faint. Seriously, sick. I layed in bed for a few hours, slept, and tried to go back at the kitchen. Same thing. I reluctantly ignored D's suggestion that I should take the anti-nausea med's. I felt like I was being weak if I needed it. So, when it hit me again, I called the doctor's office. Sure enough, I was supposed to take the medicine, wait a half hour to eat, and then that is what I did for the rest of the day. I ate. I was hit by insanely intense food cravings. At one point, I asked D to stop working and drive me up to the bakery because I had to have a muffin. My guts felt like they were going to come screaming out of me if I didn't have one right then. The trip to the bakery was insane. Being in public, I realized how not well I am yet. Or should I say, I could feel the poison in me still working its way out of me.
For the whole day, I layed in bed, and drank lots of salty things, as this is what the nurse said I probably needed. I did feel better, but not even 90% yet. I was sad about that. I really wanted to be better today. The nurse reminded me again today, that I need to not compare my body with anybody elses, and I need to not compare my treatments with one another. They all could be different.
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And hey, Heather, remember your own advice to yourself...surrender enough to the process to take your meds as prescribed! let them help you. they are a tool, just like a massage table. it doesn't make you a bad massage therapist because you need a table to do one on...and it certainly doesn't make you weak because you need a tool to control nausea and illness that are a TOTALLY reasonable, actually healthy, response to chemo.
I know how tempting it can be to get on one's own case about things...i think i have a lot more experience at THAT than you do...don't fall for those mean little judgemental voices. They're just MEAN little buggers and they don't know what they are talking about.
There is no 'right' way to handle chemo...how could there be. It's totally unnatural thing to have done to your body. Revel in your differentness in all things. Even having long-lasting reactions to your first chemo is a symbol of all the things that are different about you...including your wonderful tune-in-ed-ness to your own body.
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