The M word

I have to admit to myself how utterly sad and scared I am of the M word. The menopause word. My oncologist told me I had a 50/50 chance of coming out of it when I am all done, if I went into it. All I can think about it my darn Vedic Astrologer telling me earlier in the year that my time to have kids was limited. Of coarse, he didn't mention to me my cancer or anything life changing like that. So, maybe he is wrong. And maybe I do have the 50% chance of getting my moon back, and even if I don't I do have those 4 eggs that I can use still. But I am still really sad. Its silly of me to be strong and try to not think about it.
What am I thinking? Just the fact that for the first time since I was 13, my body is having such a hard time that its shutting down. That in and of itself is sad. My poor little ovaries, full of toxins. My tongue feels numb, my fingers and toes are starting to feel numb, and my stomach feels constantly irritated. Poor little body. And yes, I can feel sad. And of coarse I can get worked up over this and start pulling the tissues, or I can wait and cross my fingers and hope that I get it back. Think of my bones if I go into menopause this early!
In the beginning when my Onc was telling me all the possible things that could happen I just heard them with one ear, took notes with one hand, and then let them all pass through me. Trying to not hold on to anything as a concrete possibility. But now that I have actual side effects showing up it makes all the things he said a little truer and scarier. I tried to be so healthy. I ate right, I thought right, I had lots of fun, and I am still where I am today. Crapshoot, crapshoot, crapshoot. And so, sad for a mintue. Break my heart sad, and I will have to save my mourning till later. A later date. A date, when I know for certain that I need to be mourning something. As right now, Heather!! You have to remember that I have a 50% chance of having a normal body back! Right! I need to walk through my days with this thought. This reality, or its going to be too painful. It will take away from my strength that I need to make it through this.