A List

I feel like I need to make a list of all the things that are going on with my mind, body, soul, life, and whatever else. May not make sense, will not be in order, may be a list, may be a long run on sentence. Its a free for all....

radiation
blessed, not in pain, 21 down so far, after today 22 down, just a little red, blessed again, thank god something has been easy for me so far, not tired at all because of the steroids I am on, took a sleeping pill last night, try not to, but sleep is one horrible dream and can't get to acutal sleep due to the steroids, drink lots of water throughout the night, thirsty lots of the time, want to drink water all day long because its my only way of cleaning out my body, I wish I could do my yearly spring cleanse, docs and cancer ND won't let me, icky toxins deep in my skin, am thankful for the icky toxins in my skin, kill the cancer, scared, what if it comes back, what if its just hiding, what ifs, shut them down and out, keep focused on the present moment, breath, what will be will be, worrying about it won't change a thing except I will not enjoy my time right now, its windy and a bird is chirping, chest hurts a little still, kind of painful and tight, hair is getting longer, and my eyelashes and eyebrows are coming back, can just stand at the mirror and gaze at my face, I sitll look so different, so puffy, it hurts when D just says how different I look and doesn't say that I am beautiful, but he doesn't neeed to lie so he just doesn't say it, so much needing I am over it, to be over it you have to shut down, not a good place to be, open back up, get love from somewhere else, open heather, open, trust. my little sister is pregnant and I haven't gotten to see her in months. She just got her first nursing job and so she's working a lot, might meet in Portland, I am incredibly jealous of her and her life, all I want is to be pregnant and be a mom, one simple simple lifes purpose, thats it, I can eat rice and beans and raise my kids on nothing, but there was a different plan for me, at least right now, I am willing to adopt and raise a child on my own because I want to be a mom so much, I can't think of a higher honour on this planet than to raise and then watch a child turn and love a family of his/her own, I am going to start attending a tibetean buddism meditation here in seattle, I need it.
Hot flashes are still holding firmly on my life, last night when I was giving my last massage of the day my stomach felt warm and it felt like an egg was dropping, like the good ol' days. I imagined myself starting to bleed, I welcomed it,a nd thought I would not be embarressed in the slightest if I had to stop the massage for that and that I'd probably start crying, but didn't happen. Not that it won't, I have no idea. Please body, return to normal.