Where am I?

I feel lost, but I also feel like I know right where "Heather" is. Sortof.
Since Thursday I have been at the AMTA WA ST massage convention. I've been learning lots of new modalities and refreshing on others, like TMJ and Intra Oral work. Lots of fun. Sortof.
All the learning is great. But what I notice when I am around complete strangers is my anger. Not that I am angry with anyone, or that I am acting on it. And I am not sure how much of it is the steroids and how much of it is from everything else. And its not gushing out of me by any means. And maybe its not "anger" as it is sadness. I am overwhelmed. I feel like I've been about to get my period since I lost it. So a dam of emotions. I think its the steroids.

I know what I need to start doing. I need to start doing less, and start doing more self care. I need to start doing yoga, I need to start walking again, hopefully start running again. I need to read more. Just have calming time. Garden. Walks with D. I think I have projected a lot of this sadness/anger onto him and us, and the grief just adds up. I think its time to start grieving. When I hear my therapist say, "You've been dealing with a life threatening disease." It validates what I've gone through. I hear her. But to "do" and "get through" what I have, I wasn't able to really look at it like that. I just got through. Will be done on Wednesday. All finished.

Its time to start having fun again. D and I both really need to start having fun. I don't know if either of us know how to do that anymore. Its been a really tough journey. And its so emotional to be at the end of it. Like..Okay, I am all done. That was a trip, uh? What now? Well, work. I get to start working again. I get to start having my body back again. When is it that I get that port-a-cath removed? Not sure?

I have tears streaming down my face, and frankly I just feel overwhelmed, exhausted, bare, stripped down, raw, hurt, but all at the same time, over joyed, hopeful, exuberant, still.