Ending of Summer '09

This summer is shortly coming to an end, in just a few weeks. Its been a summer of change. Most importantly reconnecting the “old” Heather, pre-marriage-pre-cancer, to the “new” Heather.
Last night, my dear brother friend David, had a sweat lodge at his house for me. In the sweat, I thanked Spirit for giving me the lessons that I learned from Cancer. How I learned to open my heart to a depth that I did not know existed, to those that love me. I prayed that I may stay in the present moment, which enables me to feel this love from my friends, and allows to me to give my love authentically. I truly am a blessed woman, with so many friends all around me. Raising me up, and supporting me on my life’s journey. I have a lot to be thankful for.
This trip to California was pure love, pure vanity ( as I went shopping and went out lots, which enabled me to feel vanity rise inside me once again). It’s a wonderful thing to be a woman, and to again walk with confidence that is held and supported with pride. Before cancer, I would have noshed this, possibly thinking, in the back of my mind, how shallow it is of me to feel that way. But now, I just love it and embrace it and am so thankful for it.
Then again, I can do that and the very next night, sit up in a sweat lodge and pray and sit on the earths soil in reverence.
I got three pimples on this trip. I laugh and point them out to my girl friends, because its my body trying so hard to start work again. I even started sweating, only in my left underarm, not on the right yet. The right side is where the surgery was, where the cancer was, and where they took the lymph nodes out. I think that side of my body is still in shock. I feel my ovaries get warm off and on, but nothing yet.
In a few short weeks, I’ll be divorced. I’ll be Heather MacLean, again, instead of Heather Bakstad. I can’t wait to have my maiden name back. A sad change. A change. A grateful change.
I’ve been noticing how the “new Heather” processes change. Change on any level really. Its way different. I don’t get as sad as before (not that I ever was a sad person) but I just don’t get caught up in the “resistance” to change. Change occurs more rapidly now. I see that something isn’t working, and wham..done. Make the change, instead of sitting in front of the change for a long while. Starring it in the eye, and dragging it out.
Now, its over. Now, Its time to move on. Now, its time to live the life I want, right now. I don’t hold back how I am feeling with anyone. I tell everyone how much I care about them, how much I love them, how much I like to hang out , ect.. I am not going to miss an opportunity to be in the present moment and to share how I am in this world, because of social barriers or social walls. Or peoples unavailability, due to their vulnerability issues.
I find the dearest of friends, are able to accept the love and give it back. And that is really the defining experience in my life this summer. I no longer will hold myself back, and miss out. My choice is to love. My choice is to live. I will let people around me choose how present they want to be, and how open they want to be, and how vulnerable they want to live their lives. That’s about it. Pretty simple. Pretty real.