Battle Won and Done!

I've pretty much been bawling every since I got on the table this morning for my last and final radiation appointment. I am allowing myself to take it easy today. I recognize that if I start doing stuff, that I will miss the opportunity to be present in the celebration and process of feeling all my emotions of being done. I am going to let myself drink tea, sit on the coach, read my book, talk to friends and family, and write. Tonight I have one massage to do, and that's it. I bought myself a bouquet of flowers to celebrate my accomplishment.
When I was walking out to my car, I surprisingly had flash backs of all that I went through. I saw myself in the genetic counselos office, I felt D with me through all that I went through, I just had vision after vision, the fertility docs, the shots, and the one that I keep coming back to is this one. Me with long hair, in my favorite brown blazer with pink roses on the back, walking and knowing in my body my grace, my self-assured self, my beauty, my non-touchable strength, the part of me that was young and untouchable, the girl that could do anything she wanted and truly believed it, the sexy girl, holding hands with my husband as we walked in on a weekend morning to see my Oncologist for the first time. Before I knew much of anything about my cancer, just that I had it. That's why I took that last photo of Swedish Cancer Institute. It reminded me of that.
I am not that girl anymore. I am not. But I am. Oh, god. Its been rough. I cannot believe what I have gone through. I cannot believe I made it. I just cannot believe it. Phew, she says with tears streaming down my face. I think I am going to cancel that massage tonight. I deserve to not work tonight, and celebrate.
I will probably come back here a few more times today and write more. I will say that when I was done and I got in the car, I called my sister and just cried. She was so happy for me, and I was so sad. It is a strange kind of celebrating that I feel like I am supposed to do. It is kind of like going to a funeral and finishing a race at the same time. I am not sure about the funeral part right now. I just feel it. There is a mourning that I feel deep down, in my stomach. And the celebration is higher in my body, in my chest. I look at my red little breast and just stroke it and say poor you. I see pictures of myself on my computer and I stroke her and say, poor little girl.
Well, I am done. FInally. I am thrilled. I am starting to plan my 1 year survivor party. I was diagnosed June 2, 2008. Since they count your years of survivorship from the date you were diagnosed, I am having a party. You will all be invited. I need to get the paperwork in to the city, as its going to be held down at Lincoln Park in West Seattle. Down on the beach. I am excited. That will be a great day. To see all my friends and family that have supported me and helped me get through this. Thank you all for all your emails and comments that have helped give me strength to get through this.

***

I talk to my sister at least 2 X's a day, sometimes more. And today is one of those days. We keep calling each other and reminding each other of things we both went through during this cancer hell ride/journey.
I was talking to her about the "funeral" feeling and I think I might have a better grasp as to why I have this feeling. I kind of feel like a kid that is on one of those horrific child leashes and is walking around Willy Wonkas Chocolate paradise.
What I mean is is that I still haven't gotten the "Your all clear" from Kaplan my Oncologist yet. So, I am hesitant to scream hippie!! Or what I mean to say is HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE !!!!!!!!!!"
Yes, I am thrilled that I am done, and overwhelmed with this fact. But am I for sure? So, yes..there will be a day when I feel even more relaxed into the idea of being cancer free and really done. I cancelled my massage that I was supposed to do tonight and we are going out to my favorite restaurant Zoe in Seattle. I deserve and D deserves it. I might write again later today. And add on here. ***

I have been reading my book, drinking lots of tea, crying off and on, and I just spent a few hours in the garden. My head feels clearer. What writing and gardening can do for the soul! I made an appointment with my Onc for next Tuesday so I can talk to him about these blood tests that I need to start. I want to hear my blood cancer counts...