Where am I, and what am I?

I know, I do. I know now more than ever who and what I am. Its actually a wonderful place I am in or at right now. Not like before, where I stood on the edge of a cliff and new I was going to jump and surrender. Now, its a place of two worlds. Worlds that I love dearly. There is so much Love. There is the "old" Heather, the pre-cancer that is just amazing and I love her so much. And then there is the "cancer" Heather. And I too, Love her so much. Many of my tears come from her. Well, many of them come from this "new" Heather too. I feel like I am in the middle of two worlds, two destinations, and in those places comes the three. The three places, the three selves. Do you guys remember one of my earliest posts when I spoke of how cancer was claiming a prescense (damn it, the chemo stole my brilliant type A, love of spelling) in the room? I forget how it went. But how it goes now, is that cancer is now at Swedish Cancer institute. It lives there. My cancer lives there. It is not with me, it is not in my hands, it is not in my fate, it is not a part of my NEW life, it is on Madison street, in Seattle. Not a part of this life. I told my Onc yesterday that I wanted him to teach my how to do my own breast exam. He began to do so, but then I started to panick. And I realized that if I do monthly checks myself, I am going to freak myself out. I am going to be checking constantly and panicking myself about a lump, because my breasts have lumps. Their dense. So, I told him, I can't. He said, not to worry, that I'll be in there all the time, and he can do it. Great! I'll have him do it. It will be his responsibility. I can let go of all these worries, and just be in the present moment with living. Reclaiming my life, my health, my laughter, my sheer joy for adventure and for love.
So....I am in this place of coming together. How incredible!!
My hair is getting longer and I now can really see a difference if there isn't goop in it. Its fun to smell pretty again. I'm excited to wake up early tomorrow and put on my gardening gloves and pull some weeds. Some city weeds. If I was on Vashon, I'd have to get ready to get in line to catch the ferry. Which is an adventure as well. But, right now, pulling my own weeds is better time spent. Although, visiting with a friend in the ferry line, melts my heart. There are the two worlds again. Being in the city is all about Time and Energy. And being on Island is all about Love. I realize how silly it is that Time and Energy are winning out at this moment. I do recognize this. For the first time in my entire life, I see the value of Time and Energy, and see that it gives my heart a chance to Love myself and mellow myself out. Which grounds me. Which enables and will enable me to put out more love. And the Love I speak of on the island, is Love being received and given, but in small quick doses. But it is deeper, more nourishing. Some day, life will be slower again, and I'll chop my own wood again, and build my own fire, and sit and watch the fire speak to me and tell me stories. Until then, I will enjoy pulling my city weeds.