Chemo Guns

I am glad that now, a few hours ago, yesterday is over. Yesterday sucked. I hit a wall and really was done with doing chemo. I didn't/don't want to do it anymore and after a little BBQ last night D and I took a walk around the block. I told him that I really didn't want to do it anymore. I just want to stop doing chemo. I feel like its killing me and killing my spirit, and killing any future I may have. I told him that this wasn't worth "hoping" albeit that hope is an 85% chance, of being cured. I told him, that I am past it now, but these were the very real thoughts I had grappled with all day. Maybe I could/can cure myself in some alternative way.

Don't worry, this was just a passing thought. A passing thought that consumed all of yesterday but it passed. I am going to stick to the chemo guns and hopefully I will get through this. Hopefully my kidneys, my heart, my freakin' mind, my little veins, my blood, my liver, my stomach, hopefully we all get through this unmarked. But doing chemo is horrible. There is absolutely nothing nice or enjoyable about it. And I am not going to lie so that anyone feels okay reading this, or so that you don't feel uncomfortable. I am totally freaked out and feel horrible. When I run into people the past few days, that is what I say. I am not going to try to be anyone's chemo hero and act like its a breeze, because it isn't.

So, its 2:30ish in the morning, I can't sleep because I am full of anxiety and the anxiety woke me up. As I slept, I started thinking about Clinton's speech last night and our future as Americans. This lead to my future and before I knew it there was no way I could lay in bed any longer because I was full of butterfly's. The mind I used to have is long gone. I used to have great control over it but now its a wild caboose heading down a mountain. It gets off track so very easily and I understand more how my Nana used to wake up in the middle of the night worrying about us kids. My mind has developed into an entity all its own and the drugs I am on doesn't really help. I know, mediation would help and I probably should give it a try. But honestly, just doing a bit of yoga a day is huge for me. I don't want to quiet myself and relax into my body. I am so sickened and saddened by what I am doing to my poor body, that I don't want to get "closer" to these facts. I would like to just try to numb my way through this.

What if I am doing irreversible damage to myself? Is all this really worth it then? How many more years will I really get to live because I've done this chemo shit? These are questions that hang out in my mind and in my quiet bones that woke me this morning. I have to have faith in the chemo gods and hope that this is worth it. Otherwise I will talk myself out of doing it. What also helps me is remembering that little kids go through this and they make it, and so can I.