Tears on the Pillow

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I am already tired of being sick. The doc's say that this cellulitis thing isn't common. Hopefully from now on, its a smoother ride. I have been on antibiotics since July 24th. That is upsetting to me, I still have six days of them. I am sick of being in pain. Last night I woke up at four a.m. with my hand pounding, and should have taken a vicodin but I am scared of them, and just took Advil. I am getting sick of taking Advil all day everyday. Sick because I know how bad they are on my little body. Then I start thinking about everything else that I am doing to my body right now and all I can do is cry. I want my old healthy lifestyle back.
I have to remember what my Dad said in the beginning when I told him I didn't want to do chemo, "The alternative sucks." Yes, death would suck, but who really, really knows that that isn't my fate. We all want me to live because of the little hummingbird that I am, but really, who knows. That makes me cry.
Life is so precious. Time is precious. Its hard to go through this as a married woman. My life is coupled with someone that is healthy and hasn't, due to our young age, had to endure death or facing death before. I lost my mom, and in a way this helps me. But D hasn't. He has no clue how I am feeling. He only, and for his sanity he just sees this as a passing thing. He is making his life normal. He is even going to record his album in the middle of me doing chemo. He has to keep his life the way it is. So, when I was saying "we" have cancer, he isn't taking that on. So in a way, I am pretty lonely through this. Its hard. For those of you that haven't gone through this sortof experience you probably don't understand what I am saying.
I am just really sad the past couple of days. I still don't know if I am going to do chemo on Monday. I hope so I just want to do it and get it over with. I was hoping to be done with everything by the New Year, but it doesn't look like it.