Little Hopes

I have decided from the get go of this whole cancer thing to not dwell on future possibilities and to be in the present moment as much as possible. And more than any other time in my life I have been able to do this. This practice allows the possibilities to come through the thought process, acknowledge them and then let them go. One of those things is, Will I loose my fingernails? In this place of non-dwelling there is hope. Hope of coarse that whatever the random fear is, won't happen. Out of my 10 fingernails, only two have not turned black and blue and disgusting looking. Luckily all of them have stopped being numb and absolutely painful at the same time. But this morning one of the two that wasn't black and blue was numb and tonight it came right up off the nail bed. Not painful at all, although I didn't tug on it. It is still connected to the cuticle area, so I know have it securely wrapped with a bandage.
In the time that I realized indeed another one of those fears has manifested, I had to get sad. It is so disappointing and a bit crushing to my spirit to have my body that I cared for so tenderly for so many years literally falling apart. I feel the sadness for my fingernails in my solar plexus for some reason. Its a bit heavy there right now. Chemo got moved from my traditional afternoon appointment time to the morning, 9 am tomorrow. I agreed, and now wish I didn't. I would've like those extra five feel good hours. Christmas is going to be absolutely uneventful. I was going to cook a traditional Norwegian meal, but its just too much this year. I am exhausted and were going to rest. I feel really emotional that I have chemo tomorrow and that it's snowy and Christmas and I feel that this holiday is just breezing past us. I feel the spirit of Christmas, I've been singing all my favorite carols and such. It's just totally different this year. I can't put my finger on it other than it feels like Heather is gone some where else.
I ran into my yoga teacher today as I sat up at my real estate office for a bit this afternoon. I've known her since I was 17, so that's 16 years later. It was nice to see her today. She said oh, your such a Pitta and the chemo is so Pitta. Well, yes. I am, and it is, and maybe that is why its so incredibly difficult for me. But really, who is chemo not difficult on. Soon, soon, it will be all done. s