Thinking of Me

When I got diagnosed suddenly I found myself interupting people in their mid-sentences and talking about my cancer, my disbelief, my emotions. I just was in such a state of shock, that grace and social to-do's went flying out the window. I didn't care what the hell people were talking about because all I could think about was cancer, my cancer, my breasts, my life that had just been shattered and was laying at my feet. I realized I was doing it, and I knew from the shock on peoples faces that they knew I was doing it, and everything became Cancer for me. There was and still is nothing else. If you are not a survivor you may not understand this. And I hope you never do.
In this place resides part of how I survived. I made Heather a priority. I made what I was feeling a priority. I made what I was thinking a priority. I made everything about me. I suddenly had to understand my new world, as if I had signed up with an experimental NASA trip to Venus and was living there for five years alone. With no help from anyone, unless I asked questions and read and asked more questions, and maybe I might find a few souls that had been to Venus and had survived the worst trip of their lives.
For D this has been very hard. And I don't want to talk about his process here. All I can say is that he never reached out to anyone, not even his parents on a regular basis, to get the support he needed to be supportive of me on an emotional level. There are/were so many options for him with support groups, counseling (even my Onc suggested a few for him because he was having such a hard time months back) and I have not had the energy to "take" on the usual responisbiliites I forced myself into in supporting him to do healthy things for him. All I had the energy to do was, call a few of his friends and say, "can you call him. can you hang out with him." Or call his mom and ask her to call. I feel sad and have felt very sad for him.
But the survivor in me that had to A Rise to survive has less sympathy. He is almost 40, he is 36, he is a man. And this survivor in me says, he can take care of himself, AND Me. So, I was able to relax into the state of asking him to fetch a million things for me when I couldn't walk ten steps without feeling like I was going to die.
This chemo hell ride I was on almost killed me. I just pray that in a few years time, my body doesn't start showing any negative effects of the chemo. But back to D, and you other supporters of survivors.
In the place of making everything about me, there is time for you, for D. And I just was too weak, and I also believe a changed person, in that I do not feel it is my responsiblity to take care of him. I was there, trust me. I tried talking to him about his feelings. And we had a few discussions on this topic, when he would allow himself to open up to me. But that's all I can/could do. I had to focus on me. And cancer and my treatment actually forced this to happen. I was so sick, so sick that I couldn't feel anything except my pain. So again, if there are any of you spouses out there reading this that have to go through this hell ride with your beloved. Take care of yourself, get the support you need. Otherwise your well will be dried up and it will be hard to get to the finish line. D, is going to Hawaii he let me know the other day. Alone. I am not allowed to come. He needs a break. He loves me but feels disgusted by me and can't stand to be around me anymore. What can you say about that? There is a breaking point. In all of us. And we are too young to go through this, and sure possibly, possibly as an older man he might be more gracious with his process. But the fact is, is there is no excuses in life. He is a man, and he has a choice in his life on how he wants to walk this earth. I have no control over that.
So back to me. In being diagnosed with cancer, to get through there is a place of Needing to be selfish. This was very hard to wrap my mind around in the beginning. Because my whole life I have taken care of others and put their needs first. For instance. When I was five my mom was in an accident. I took care of my then six month old brother, all the time. My massage practice, I booked appointments whenever so be it 7 am or 10 pm for clients so that I was flexible for them. My my husband and old boy friends, I did whatever I could to make their lives easier. Always, always thinking of others. Thinking that they would give back to me, or thinking the universe would give back to me.
This old disgusting habit was broken, clearly broken with me getting diagnosed with cancer. I will never do that again, unless I am a mother. And I think that this is a must if you're a mom.
So, in being a Survivor, there resides a place of needing to be selfish and its a good thing. Its a hard thing for me because I through old habits want to do for everyone. But I need to remember this lesson, and stick with it. When one is doing all the time, there isn't room to receive. And to open up to this beautiful gift. I really like the new Heather. Not that I didn't see my value before, because I did. But I see the value in my life, and my wants, and my needs, and my desire, and me not stopping what I am wanting to do or doing, to make anyones life easier for them. At least this is how it is right now.