Only 8 more left!

My counts were actually good yesterday. The girl (don't you love my split personalities) in me that wants to hide under a blanket on a warm beach somewhere, was hoping that my counts were too low and chemo was going to get cancelled. But they didn't. The athlete in me that said, "Yippee, one down! 8 more to go!! You can do this", won out. Last week counts were at 4, 800 this week 4,700. No big changes.
An odd thing happened and I got to tell you all about it. I can't remember if I ever talked about it but it is so icky that I am going to again.
Each week as I drive myself to chemo (I drive there, in preparation. I can and do, as much as I can. It helps me, and D drives me home) So. as I am driving I get the gear on. I never have told D this either and since he doesn't read this, he won't ever know : ) But I tell myself all the way there that I can and will make it through this in various forms. I am a huge high fiver, and I imagine giving myself from my different selves many of these. We can do this they say. I smear on black under my eyes and put on a jersey. This sounds so funny and am laughing to myself now, but I really do this. The black under the eyes is the funniest to me, but when I am behind the driver seat driving myself to chemo. This is always a serious part of my preparation.
I usually get a little nauseous waves through my body. It gets worst once I get to the cancer institute. The smells that I once thought were so fun, and new, and my little Tigger in me finding the J.J...JOY in it all has changed to Rabbit and disgust. I get there and ask for my little slip I give to the nurses that are going to access my port. They do this by putting a (very sterile process might I say, that is equally gross) needle into my port and then sealing it up. But what gags me out is all the cleaner and sterilizer stuff they use. I suck on any minty thing they give me and actually yesterdays Altoids Tangerine flavor helped. The grossesst part are the flushes they use before and after. The used to use the perservative filled Heperain and Saline. They push the Heperain in to keep the port (which is very very long and wraps around under my skin) tube clear and not blocked by blood, and the saline just flushes the meds through.
The Saline with perservatives smells and tastes instantly once its pushed through my port like a fruit basket in August that has fruit rotting in it. Just imagine. The Heperain smells like a Skunk. In the beginning I thought wow! Cool! How odd!! Bring it on. Now, it gives me full body shivers and I cannot use the perservative filled ones. I always ask for the "Freshy" ones. So, they the poor nurses have to go an extra couple steps for me. And make fresh ones that do not have the perservatives. I don't get any icky kickbacks and its not bad. Except all the sterilizer stuff.
They then take blood so check out my counts and send me on my merry way.

Okay, now you know what goes on with the port accessing stuff. Fun stuff. They give me a little slip of paper and then I wait in the lobby to see my Onc.

Now, I just have 8 more treatments. I have done exactly 8 total since yesterday. I am half way through with chemotherapy. Crazy. Yesterday I was mad at the world. I never act like this. But everything pissed me off. I said to my little angry self yesterday, "Heather, your the one that is going to change this day around. Why are you so angry? Everyone is upsetting you. What's going on?" And Heather said, "I am mad that I have cancer. As I sat in my little car, I cried. Just for about 30 seconds. But I cried. Didn't indulge. I acknowledge the Heather that was angry and sad and pissed off. I went on with my day and felt better. I guess what triggered it was I went on the Today Show webisite and took a dumb ass quiz that was labeled ARE YOU AT RISK OF BREAST CANCER? I took it. It said NO. YOU ARE A LOW RISK. Fucking dumb quiz. Misleading to all you ladies that have never had breast cancer, or at least knowingly and I felt like this test was actually doing a misservie. A miservice to those woman that are taking it that read my same results, but actually have breast cancer and their doctors have missed it like they missed mine and then these woman take a breath of fresh air and go on with the merry little lives. I got mad at statistics.

8 more to go!

Few I'm so hot..

These hot flashes are intense. I sleep with a thin sheet on. If the sheet goes above my shoulders for some reason it triggers a hot flash and then they all come off. Same with clothing. I wear tank tops under everything right now, so if I get too hot I just take the top layer off. My head gets sweaty all the time. It is amazing but when you have hair on your head you have no idea what your little scalp goes through in a day. I have gotten very intimate with the chemistry of my scalp!! My nose and throat symptoms came back this week, and am not sure if these are precursors to low blood counts. But I won't be surprised if my Onc says no to chemo today.
Yesterday was my first big day of real estate since I was diagnosed. I now have the energy and the full spirit to go gangbusters again with bells on. I am and have always been a firm believer that you must be passionate about what you do and love what you do . If you don't then its not worth it. And I love what I do again, so I had a great time yesterday.
Will keep you posted on whether or not I get to do chemo today. I hope so, because then I will only have 8 more weeks left!!

Pec mmls

I woke up at 2 AM in a panick. Now that I have moved forward in my healing, I am able to process some of what has happened to me. They say when you're done with all your treatments it is the hardest because of this reason. Anyhoo, so 2 AM came and I freaked out about the fact that the surgeon to get clear margins had to take some of my pectoralis muscle. How much, how close to my bones was it? My mind started racing and I started having a mock conversation with my Oncologist asking him to allow me to do radiation at the same time as chemo.
Of coarse, I can't do that. The breast cancer chemo is so severe that they don't let you do them at the same time. I have to have faith that its all going to be alright because I want to live. Shit! I want to live so badly. I just cannot believe that at 33 I am going through this. I have to stop my mind from worrying and just trust that everything is going to be Okay.

My sense of humor

Oh! Saturday night live is so funny. I watched this link at least five times this morning. Thought I'd share it with you all:

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/digital-short-rasta-man/787201/

Cilantro pesto

I made a really yummy cilantro pasta today and am about to make some blueberry muffins. With chemo on Wednesday, my Saturdays seem to be the hardest day. I generally feel icky, like I have the flu. I know tomorrow will be a better day. It is hard for me to not do things on days like today. If I push myself to take a walk for instance I end up feeling worse so its better for me to just force myself to hang out around the house. I get to have spurts of feeling good and then I have to lay down for a bit.
Same Ol Same Ol, not much difference. I have only 9 more treatments of chemo left now. After this coming Wed. I will only have 8 more and that means only two months left. I can't wait to be done with this part.

Freaky hair thoughts

I think my hair is growing back. I'm not holding my breath but I think it might be. Since I never got the umph to shave my head, I have lots of hairs that are in every length imaginable on my head right now. Some are about a half inch to much smaller. I am not sure if the ones that are on my head are just leftovers of the ones that never fell out, or if there are some new ones. I am surprised to find that the hair that is on my head is blond and my head looks like a little babies. Fine whispy hairs. I notice how scratchy they are at night when my arms go above my head in my sleep.
Today I went out to Vashon and took a walk with an old friend and then visited yet another old friend. I feel pretty icky today so I've been taking the anti-nauseau pills. My finger nails are really starting to darken and hurt, typing isn't that easy right now. The cold crisp air allows me to be thankful that I am experiencing my menopausal symptoms this time of year.

I am finding writing this blog very interesting. There are those of you that have known me for years that really know me, there are those of you that don't know me at all except in passing and are getting to know me intimately, and then there are those of you that have recently gotten to know me and are getting to know me on a deeper level. What is interesting is the feedback I get from all of you. I hope you all understand on whatever level it is that you entered my life, and have been following my life the past few months that I have not changed. I am the Heather in every aspect, every ounce of my spirit that I was before cancer. All my thoughts are thoughts and beliefs and ways that I have processed all this heartache and grief, are ways that I have always coped with life and saw life. And those of you that have been in my life for years that truely know me know this. I think the one major change in my heart and mind is really a simple one. It is that I can be pushed and torn to a degree that I did not know was possible. And that is all. My whole life came tumbling down and crashed. I was never defeated. Although I spent about two months feeling that way. I was crushed. I was so sad and crushed and torn apart. At times it was not graceful. But those shards were and may never be graceful. They still poke and hurt.
Thank you all on whatever level of intimacy we know one another, thank you for your support.
I guess this blog reminds me of how we as Americans can project what we think of others and their lives and when you get to read something as personal as this journey of mine, you get to see who it is that I am. I have always been a fighter, have always been who I am. And that is why I am able to blog about this journey. To help (and it has and will continue to help) other ladies going through similar journeys. And for those of you lucky to not be stretched in this way, you too will be stretched in your own way. As we are here to grow and to go through painful things so that we see the beauty and the light and remember to appreciate the simple art of feeling our own lungs ebb and flow with our breath.

Pumkin pies and Fall

Fall is my favorite season by far. The past few days my friend Gen has been here from Toronto. Its been great having a friend around to make pies with and take really long walks with. But mainly just to talk. When I lived on Vashon I used to make pies almost everyday. There was a year there that I was learning how to make crusts and I'd make a pie a day and give it away. There are just so many pies you can personally eat without gaining weight. Gen's been making a lot of pies lately and she definetly has mastered the art of a pie crust. Flaky, moist, buttery...mmmm good. We took about a 5 or 6 mile walk and I felt awesome. That walk was Tuesday. My sore throat and nose are almost healed.

Yesterday she came with me to chemo, and gave D a break. My counts had almost doubled and so I now to get to that I have nine, count that 9 more chemo's left. I can't wait to be done. I am looking forward to the rains and taking have an excuse of weather to take life easy and eat lots of soup. It will be a good feeling to be done with my treatments at the beginning of Spring when things start to grow. I wonder if the frogs will start their chorus of songs on Vashon in unison with my celebrations of being done with all this.

I am feeling good today so far. I just can't sleep because of those darn steroids.