Weeds and things

This weekend is almost over, so that means I have just two more weekend days before surgery.  D and I got a lot accomplished this weekend and it feels good not to have so many monkeys on our backs.  He has been very supportive of me and it really helps to just listen to me.  I can't stay rosy and always in the present moment.  Although that is the only time that I feel good, is when I am in the moment.  At the bottom of my belly, I am afraid and sometimes it helps if I can tell someone all  those horrible fears.  I am really scared.  

What is incredible to me is that my surgeon told me that I may have very well had this cancer for eight years.  When he told us that, I blew it off like he was just throwing around a probability. He ended that thought process with, "You'll never know, how long you've had it."  The other morning I was reading Susan Love's Breast Book, and in this book she said that by the time Breast Cancer turns into a Lump it usually has been there for six to eight years.  So that puts me at 25-26, (so maybe the surgeon was right). 

 That is amazing to me.  I have been joking around that maybe the day those cells went haywire I ate one too many maple bars.  I love bakeries and I love sugar and it is hard and just wrong that I cannot indulge in this way anymore.  I wonder what I will grow to love, food wise.  Please don't comment that there is Stevia, because I think its disgusting.  Have you tried Agave Nectar?  I am going to try to make some bran muffins with my mother-in-law.  She makes really yummy ones with blueberries.

I've read about Port-a-caths this weekend.  They are the size of a quarter.  So there will be just a small bump under the skin of my chest.  Thank god it isn't some huge quart size container under my skin.  D and I have been thinking it was huge.  I get kind of creeped out thinking about it but at least I know now that its small.  I wonder when I get a massage, and I am face down, if I can lay like that.  Or if I will need a pillow under my chest.  D and I thought about what I could do while I am in chemo sessions.  I told him I just want to make a book of happy things for me and sit and mediate while listening to healing music.  This is the medicine that is going to kill any radical cancer cells floating around in my body.  I want to use this time with fully being in the highest of places and visualizing total and complete health.  Renewal.