Still Point

Coming to a place of gratefulness. How does one get there? Choice.

Sure cancer stole a lot from me, and during this time of writing I get to go back and relive all of that. But..But..there are a lot of pluses, and movements inside me that I choose to look at. Don't get me wrong. When my sister told me she was pregnant, I mourned. She mourned as well, because we'd always hoped and talked about the day we'd be pregnant together. There is loss. There is grief. I do not think its healthy, nor am I saying to overlook, or to shuffle the loss under a rug of pain.

I just choose to look at the positives. The fact that I am here, to be at my nephews birth. To see life. To be apart of his life.

My life, that could've been taken, with the aggressiveness of Triple Negative. I get to train, and run a marathon, that I would've never done before cancer. My mind and the self-imposed limitations are less restrictive now.

Grieve at your own pace. Feel at your own pace. Simply being with yourself, in and on, your journey. It is a journey. This Cancer Journey. If you choose to pay attention in that way. Others choose to not think, and just get through, and go on living life. There is no right way. I would love to hear from any of you, privately, or in the public comments if you wish..when you do come to your place of gratefulness. This will make my heart soar! I am also here, to hear your despair. Believe me, I am there. In the still point. One side is despair, the other gratitude.

My Body...My Book..

This is a simple quick note to you all. I am so loving feeling my body come alive. I have nights that I can sleep, and others..like tonight, that I am so full of joy and excitement for my new life that sleep eludes me. Last night, I slept almost ten hours..

On the 20th, I will be running my first 18 miles. 18 miles is monumental to me. The ones that really pushed me have been 6, 10, 15, and 18 so far. I am excited to feel my body excel and push through its mental barriers.

I am in a true place of gratefulness for cancer, and all of its mysteries and lessons it still is teaching me. About me. Closer to me. Who would have ever thought that an illness makes One Whole?

I guess Dis-Ease is that. Where the body was not harmonious, is where the disease starts. I used to love my "hippie" friends saying that little phrase. It sure did not mean what it means to me now.

Today, on the plane I watched, This Is It, and started making my notes and lists for my book. I guess, I've started it.

I am a little torn on what to do. Many of you have requested I simply publish this blog as is, with adding what I see are "chapter notes" or "quiz like summaries".

On the other hand,

I want to write the book I've always visualized. So, I am going to write my book, and maybe make the blog a free PDF, or something....

Or maybe there are two books.

Mammograms to Enneagrams

Today went great, I'll just blurt that out for all of you that are wondering.

I of coarse went armed with my blog cards, so I could hand them out to the various woman I started talking to. I met a young mother, about my age who had found her lump in the past month. I listened to her, tried to not say too much, because I didn't want to freak her out. Remembering full well, how I felt that first day. The day, I went there alone because I didn't think it was a big deal. I was just going to get my ultrasound and mammogram and be on my merry little way. That life, is gone. Or better yet, that girl was just that. A girl. I grew up pretty quick the past couple of years.
Once I got into the mammogram room, the tech started her litany of questions. I was okay to answer the first bazillion, but I snapped finally when she asked, "Does breast cancer run in your family." I refused to answer the question. Telling her look, I know your just doing your job. You don't need to know all these answers. What is this questionaire for anyways? To stick in some folder? The question, for a young woman should be is it Genetic. That is what the insurance companies should be paying for, so that you know the answer, and don't have to ask. There is no rhyme or reason for my cancer, and no..it does not run in my family, nor is it genetic. (remember, I could have been the first in my family to start producing the BRCA 1 or 2, gene)...
I told her, I didn't even want to be in there anyways. I understand that mammo's show the calcifications, great. It didn't show my cancer. I get really upset every time I have to be forced to go have one. The test isn't even FOR younger women. It is FOR older women.
She agreed with all of this. Why don't they figure out some techy savvy tool/machine that CAN detect breast cancer through dense young women's tissue? The only reason I have to be there is for insurance purposes. To run through the little rat maze as all the other women.
Ugh.
I did start to laugh and joke with her, after that. I apologized and told her how emotional this test is for me. I just have not come to a place of forgiving it. It let me down, and I see no need for it at all. At all.
At one point, I laughed with her because it seemed as if I was doing yoga to get my boob pressed into the machine (which doesn't hurt for me at all) and told her I needed to go see my chiropractor after getingt the mammo. I was serious. :)

I then went over to the MRI place. The machine is so loud that they give you ear plugs. I actually fell asleep in there...I guess I am used to it after the bazillionth time through the egg like metal clashing sounding machine.

Tonight I took for fun an enneagram test online. It said I was either a 1, 2, 3, or an 8. I read through them all, and they all fit in a few ways. None of them fit me perfectly. I realized how much I've learned and grown in the past few years. How much cancer has taught me. Issues I thought I was never going to be able to work through with various therapists, had to be worked through with cancer. All the growth stemmed down to surrender, loving myself deeper, loving others deeper, simply loving with surrender and an open palm...me, you, anyone. Seeing how fragile we all are. How fragile life is.
It didn't surprise me that I wasn't pegged as "a type" because I have not settled down into a patterned way of self yet. I hope I don't. I pray that living in the present moment does not go away, and life continues to grow and stretch, and not be One thing.
Living in the present moment does not work, if you actually LIVE in this world though. And I am starting to live once again, and I am starting to plan things now. When I was first done, making plans for that week was incredibly hard for me. Which was so foreign to the "pre-cancer, Heather". Now, I am planning for my marathon in Big Sur, at the end of April, that is as far out as I feel comfortable with.
I made reservations at the headquarters, in Monterey. I guess that's good. Its hard to think of not being in Big Sur proper, but all the racers will be staying in Monterey, the dinners will be there, the pre-race events. My friend Jenn, is planning post event stuff, and that helps. Thanks Jenn. Planning is simply too much for me right now. That far ahead at least.
I am super good with the weekly planning. I even have my weekly marathon training chalkboard up in my apartment now. Each week, each days schedule mapped out, with inspiring quotes to myself.

I took today off, and I made a promise to myself today. Until I am done with all these six month check ups, I am going to take those days off, and take a day to do whatever I want. I'm staying on my Uncles boat tonight. I sat and played on my computer all night, read, did a little yoga, he made me a yummy dinner, and now I am being lulled to a quieter place within myself by the gentle, almost unnoticeable rocking of the boat.

I'm going to send the tech a little thank you, card tomorrow. Tell her how much I appreciated her listening to me. I have some sadness to work through with that damn mammogram in my cancer therapy still. I think some tears still need to spill.

Ode to the 6 month tests

Tomorrow morning is my next six month check up. I tried really, really hard to squirm my way out of getting the darn mammogram. But the MRI folks realized I didn't have the films sent to them today, and called me and asked for them. Drats! Foiled!! Since the mammo failed me the first time, since it didn't find the cancer, didn't even SHOW my cancer, I don't want it. LIke last week I went to the dentist, and I didn't want the xrays. I don't want the extra radiation. Hahaha!! I don't want that little bit of radiation, but I'll take high dose radiation where it counts. haha.. life and all of its ironies you gotta love.
So...I got caught. I called my stellar oncology doc and the awesome team there scheduled everything for me and then made all the calls to the MRI folks. I realized how lucky I was today, when I spoke with a newbie. She is a cherished mother of dear friends of mine. It was a big day on Survivor land.
I spoke with her, with not a stretch for my heart, at all. I felt empowered and full of just the right things for her. I realized when speaking with her, how I was able to give my treatment to Dr. K. I let him be in charge of getting me through, so that I could just be with myself. My job, my only job was to get better, to take care of Heather. I did a good job. I sure did have some growing pains. I laugh out loud to myself thinking of them. LIke the time that I walked all the way down to the beach, down a very steep long hill, barely able to see, walking into branches, and then having to call D to come and pick me up. Totally deflated that I couldn't walk home. I learned about limits. I learned that I needed to not be such an athlete all the time. I learned I didn't have to prove anything to myself. It was okay to be vulnerable. To be true. To be in the present moment, and to listen to my body.
These lessons are helping me succeed and to now push my machine into marathon shape.
Okay, back to the survivors today. So that was this afternoon that I spoke with her. But this morning, one of the only woman that is my age, and is a dynamite kick ass power house, who by the way is a Triple Negative Stage 1 too, told me today that she found a new lump while she was in class. Fuck! I had that scare, we both reminded each other of that. BUt you know what? We share the knowing of what it is like. There is the club, that I hope to God none of you have to belong to..but we understand down to a cellular level of what she is going through right now. I'm feeling for you, E. Hugs.
Okay, so tomorrow. The mammo that I didn't get out of, and the MRI. I always get sick from the toxic stuff the put in you. I have to run eight miles tomorrow, so I might run from my part of town, which is Queen Anne to First Hill. You know what rocks, is that I am not super scared (well, the past few days I have not been sleeping again...so maybe I am), and I am running there. I feel strong. Last Saturday I ran sixteen miles in two hours and fifty-three minutes. I loved it, and when I wasn't loving it, I thought about my life, and how lucky I am to be alive and happy. Truly happy. Tomorrow isn't here yet, so I am going to relax and try to get some sleep.

Jen Hoffmann

One of my best friends called me tonight, she lost her sister to breast cancer the same day I finished radiation. We have become very close this past year, through our mutual best friend, Keiko. I have been grappling with the idea of what my Pink Ribbon will read as I pass through my Marathon in Big Sur...actually ending in Carmel. She called me tonight and asked if I'd figured out what my ribbon was going to say. I told her no. At which point she sent me a photo of her sister at the top of Mt. Whitney after her second chemo infusion. She hiked this Mountain and stood on top of it with the sign that read (her supportive husband printed it out for her) and it read....

CANCER SCHMANCER

Those words say it all. And that is what my sign will say.

*uck Cancer....is at the core of it. Is what pushes me when I am hurting and tired. I push through and think of my pain, of what I have gone through. So yes, *uck Cancer...but I don't want to run through that. I want to run through the idea that this is nothing. That cancer couldn't stop me, and nothing can.. I will continue living, and pushing forward...

Hell Yes! JEN HOFFMANN...Survivor that keeps living, in Memory. I will be running through CANCER SCHMANCER.....Thank you.

Jen said in her blog: 8/12/2007::::


Jenn Glickman March 7 at 10:12pm
Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose...

Sunday, August 12, 2007 by ShawnieMac
On August 10, at exactly 11:44 AM, after ascending exactly 6132.61', (and two days after chemo), we reached the summit of Mt. Whitney under the bluest of blue skies. In spite of all of my recent treatments, we're pretty convinced that the best medicine I've received so far came at 14,497'.

When we reached the summit, after tears of celebration and accomplishment, Greg pulled out this sign he had made before we left (unbeknownst to me). Pretty much sums it up...

Whatever ends up taking me eventually, it sure as hell isn't going to be this cancer...

Steamin with friends

Last night I happened to be on island with some free time. I thought of the frogs that are billowing out their cries for us all to awaken from our winters dormant sleep, and unite with Spring. I realized I needed to go take a walk in the dark and listen to them sing to me. I was ecstatic to have my friends pick up their phone, and they too were on island. Out of all the fancy spas (I am a spa-a-holic) I've been to, their sanctuary is my favorite. There were just four of us in there, and we were able to sink quickly into the conversations that I love the most. The real ones, on life, and bouncing ideas off one another. I realized something in there. I am perfect as I am, in this moment, and I think I've been being too hard on myself.
You know, I haven't done this kind of healing before, haha..so I was inflicting some hurry up, and get back to "normal" crapolla on myself. Last night, as the hummingbird slowed down, and I massaged my aching legs, I wrapped myself in the present moment of just being, just noticing.
I have always known that I am perfectly where I should be. Trust me, I say as I laugh at my inner hippie girl. But, she..the HIppie girl has been in a long hibernation. She had to go away so I could take all the stuff I did. I feel really sad, as I sit here and cry looking out at big ships pass on the Sound. I feel really sad that I put all that stuff into me. The other day I took a walk with a new friend that is a cancer survivor. He said to me, that there is a small percentage that he could get I think it was Lymphoma, but maybe I'm wrong, but some other cancer from his treatment he'd undergone. There is a grief in this potential of buying time.
We are all buying time. My friend who has early onset Parkinsons, is hoping to buy time with some new meds. Ladies getting botox, are buying time. Haha.
We are all buying time. Borrowing time, I mean. As it really isn't ours to be had. Or is it?
All I know this morning is how incredibly grateful I am to my friends. To my loved ones that at every single turn are there. I have been incredibly blessed to have so many teachers, friends that are my deep soul filled family, and my sister who are there for me. Life has been hard for everyone of us, in the past few years. I think as I come out of my slumber, energetically I am feeling this as well.
Here is a little poem I wrote this morning, as the Spring birds renew my Spirit like no other.

***

Sweet song birds
calling forth your mate
lay me an egg
to find as I walk this soft earth
broken shells to be kept on my altar
full of growth, fertility, new beginnings, and a promise of tomorrow

Daphne

This time of year always brings a smile to my face. Actually, anytime brings a smile to my face, but lately its waffs of Daphne in full bloom that I breathe in as I run, or as I walk into my sisters house. I love this plant, and if I am ever lucky enough to be a mother to a little girl, I would love to name her Daphne, if they are a fit.
I have decided to not write here unless I have something to process or share, and I do again finally. Finding the place to start seems to be harder and harder because I am not writing as often. I am not sure what is good for me. Maybe I should be writing more often. I guess I just do not have the desire to make my writing interesting and fun right now.
****
One thing that I have learned from an early age is that I do not want to put myself in a place of being a victim, or feeling sorry for myself. This is not a Heather thing to do. But (there are always Buts in life) I did choose to become very in~sync with myself, and I shared my entire process. I feel like in this introspection there is, and very well maybe a place of being too in tune. Like maybe i just need to be. Not think everything through so much. Maybe its as simple as loving myself back in that now learned place of...dah..dah..dahhhh..dahh..the present moment.
As right now, the Daphne is in bloom, it is night, and I am laying in bed all cozied in with my new snuggle buddy (stuffed elephant that is HUGe, LOL) and that is all I need right now. I am content, in fact I feel blissed out.
As I was walking with a friend today I explained that when I am around her, I don't feel like I need to protect her, or worry about her, and that I can just process my feelings. I notice this with most of my close friends. I feel like I am "living life" around her. But at other times I feel myself protecting loved ones and not "living life" around them. This past weekend I visited my beloved sister and my baby nephew.
I knew visiting my nephew may be difficult for me since I just came to the understanding that I may very well not be able to be a mother in the way that I had always dreamt. I have even come to a place in the last couple of weeks, with toying around and sitting with the elephant in the room, that maybe I will just not be a mother at all. I am not going there totally yet, because I know that that will not be the case. I have to trust that Spirit will bring my children to me, in whatever form, but a form they will come. They must. I have too much love to share to not.
Anyhow, so visiting my sister was great. But I felt the whole time I was not fully giving myself to her. We did fall asleep and cuddle like two peas in our usual pod, but I was careful with her. I just didn't give 100% to her, not even 60%. SHe knows it, I am sure she felt it. I blurted out on my walk today, that I think its because what if I die and I don't want to cause her anymore pain. And I also shared my little morbid reason of my new found obsession with taking photos of everything. It is for her to look back when I die and see all the things, all the things that make Up Life, and see what touched my heart.
Or maybe I am just reminding myself of what is My Life, and what touches my heart, and its as simple as that. Everything means more now. The Daphne is intoxicating, whereas before I just loved it immensely. Now, it creeps into poems and is a thought in my daily mind like a new lover.
Other changes I am noticing is in my work. I love being a healer, and I will die, one day, being a healer. I also love selling real estate and enjoy the game of it. I truly do. But the past few weeks, I have been toying around with the idea of not selling real estate anymore and just being a Healer. Because life is too short to have so much stress. But that is not what its really about for me. At all. I enjoy it. I simply am not able to do it all as much as I need to be doing, and to do it all gracefully. I guess Grace is gone for the moment. I feel like a clunky teenager. For example, tonight I had plans to go out to dinner with a friend and catch up. I had a buyer call a half hour before I was to pick her up, and say, I am finally ready to make an offer on this house. I chose to take care of myself instead of doing what the old Heather would do. I did not cancel my plans. But went to dinner and had a great time. I got home at 10. The old Heather was saying, go to the office and write up the offer tonight so you can sleep in. But the new Heather said, No, go home write, and wake up early and write the offer up.
Is it insane to work until midnight? If you love what you do? Yes.
So, I am fine doing them both. And you may even wonder why it is that I write this since its not really about my Journey with cancer. But really it is. You see, I had the Pre-Cancer Heather, the Cancer-Heather, and now these two young women need to integrate so that I can start living my life as Heather. I need to stop being in limbo and actively start molding these lovely ladies together. Well, Hello there. Nice to meet you. Way to start taking care of yourself.
Speaking of taking care of myself, I ran last Saturday 15 miles in 2 hrs and 35 minutes. I am feeling incredible. My stress levels and anxiety are way lower.
I am able to handle more. Each week that goes by I notice a huge change in my well being. I feel calmer, though at times--- I grew up watching The Jetsens-- I feel like Rosie the robot when she has her meltdowns and wonder if people can see my bolts and screws go haywire in the air..haha.
I guess these juxtapositions are life. I guess its okay that I am not back to normal, and that normal is trying to still catch up to the whirling dervish I have been enraptured by. There is no right way to deal with being told you have a life threatening illness, no right way to go through treatment, and no right way to heal from the trauma. It just is what it is and that is it. Pretty simple really.
I am doing better. I am feeling strong and I am sleeping finally ( I write this as I yawn). I think I am in shock still when I think about what I have gone through. I am nearing the time that I will read through my blog and start writing my book. I am becoming clearer and clearer on how it will be written. It is a fun thing to think about as I run.