Circus in my tummy

This morning it feels like there is a large high school band is playing in my stomach.  Its the mixture of the wonderful birth control pills (I don't do well with nausea) and the fact that in 28 hours I will be leaving for Bellevue to have my right breast operated on.  I am somewhere between nervous and panicking.  The hard part of not knowing a damn thing about what I've been diagnosed with, is that I am constantly reading about breast cancer.  Today, in ten hours it will be 28 days that I've technically "had" cancer.  I guess you don't "technically" have "it" until you get diagnosed.  So that gives me 28 days of constant reading and just enough to make my mind freak out about all the unknowns.

Luckily for me, this is a normal thing, and all you survivors out there write to me and answer all of these questions.  Like yesterday, my friend Shirley (who's been an RN for pretty much her entire lifetime-and is a two time breast cancer survivor) told me that it is baloney that I can't eat fruit and veggies.  If I want to eat them, eat them.  I just have to wash the hell out of them (okay she didn't use the word hell).  The recipe for cleaning them is: 
This is orginally from the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance.
You really don't need a special cleaner for your fruits and vegetables. Just wash them with a weak solution of dish detergent and a scrub brush works just fine. If you still insist on using a special wash. This is a good recipe that is the same as the "natural" stuff in the store.

1 Tbsp. lemon juice
2 Tbsp. baking soda
1 cup water

Put ingredients in a spray bottle. Be careful because it will foam up. Spray on vegetables, let sit 5 minutes then rinse with a scrub brush.

Yippee!!  Thrilling.  This is some of the best news I have had all week.  Some of you may wonder why I would even entertain the idea of  not eating fresh fruits and veggies.  The thing is is that our (I haven't started treatment yet, so I am still on your side-hence the our) bodies have developed an immune system against all the wonderful bacteria on our produce.  But the Chemo will wipe out my immune system and that is why many of the books and people have mentioned to me that fresh veggies and fruits will not be possible for me.  So, get out the scrub brush and spray bottle.  I am so scared of compromising my treatment, since it is all I have to kill this damn disease (please do not write me and tell me that it is not ALL I have.  I know that there are miracles, and I know that I have a mind that can do incredible things), I want to stick solely to what my Doc's say.  That is safe.   

Its 3:30 in the morning and the girl that used to need at least 10 hours of sleep a night is wide awake and exhausted at the same time.  Today, I get to stop taking those disgusting birth control pills and start giving fertility shots to myself.  Oh, yeah.  I thought and so did D that it was just one shot a day.  The thought of this is making me queasy.  D had to come to the hour long injection class with me.  He said that he was NOT going to be able to do any of the injecting, he just couldn't do it.  But last night I mentioned that all the shots start tomorrow, and he said if I needed him to he would.

We thought it was A shot ONCE a day.  No way.  Those that know me, I don't really have a place to grab fat and inject into.  But luckily (I know everyone always says I don't but really I do) I have gained a few pounds this past year (hence the reason I wanted to do a fast right before I got diagnosed) and so the ONE shot a day that has turned into FOUR shots a day, will make my stomach a nice black and blue color.  I am not looking forward to this crap.  This whole fertility stuff.  It is the one thing that I feel like an abused kid that is just checking out.  I need to gloss my thoughts over about all this and not "feel" as the fact that this may not be insurance for me, is way too much to handle.  In fact, I need to eat something to make this nausea go away right now.  Cuz I am getting another wave of sickness just thinking about how *ucking pissed off I am that I have had to do this and that D has had to do this with me.  I am so pissed.