Glorious Fall Day

I had an incredible day today. I did a little real estate in the morning, (found an awesome house for some buyers) and then hit the ferry dock! I got out to Vashon island just before the Burton coffee stand closed, got a latte and took a walk around the Burton loop. Its exactly three miles if you park down at the stand. In the past, I usually run from this point. But today, I was just really happy to feel like I was healthy enough and not sick to my stomach to take a fast paced stroll. Walking up the first hill, I kept my eyes high in the sky. The wind from last nights storm was still swooshing around the trees and I was filled with such delight as I felt this breeze whip around my body. I felt embraced by the smell of the needles on the moist ground and felt warmed by the cool wind. I felt my leg muscles lengthening as I took long strides and honestly was shocked that at the end of the walk my muscles felt like I had a good workout. This laying around is starting to take a toll on my body.
I went to the old SBC store and sat and read a book for a few hours before I did a couple massages. I feel really really good right now. Being out on Vashon and being held by community at every turn in the day was a blessing. I always say a little prayer when I go out there. I say, " Please bring whomever I am to see today into my path." Maybe just having the open heart to talk and be present with whoever I run into, opens me to seeing everyone. I always appreciate the spontaneity of this prayer. I usually never call a friend and suggest to hang out. I have so many friends out there, that I just like to bop into people, here there and everywhere. Chemo is tomorrow and I have the strength to do it again because of the smells I have in my memory from my magnificent little isle of love.

The M word

I have to admit to myself how utterly sad and scared I am of the M word. The menopause word. My oncologist told me I had a 50/50 chance of coming out of it when I am all done, if I went into it. All I can think about it my darn Vedic Astrologer telling me earlier in the year that my time to have kids was limited. Of coarse, he didn't mention to me my cancer or anything life changing like that. So, maybe he is wrong. And maybe I do have the 50% chance of getting my moon back, and even if I don't I do have those 4 eggs that I can use still. But I am still really sad. Its silly of me to be strong and try to not think about it.
What am I thinking? Just the fact that for the first time since I was 13, my body is having such a hard time that its shutting down. That in and of itself is sad. My poor little ovaries, full of toxins. My tongue feels numb, my fingers and toes are starting to feel numb, and my stomach feels constantly irritated. Poor little body. And yes, I can feel sad. And of coarse I can get worked up over this and start pulling the tissues, or I can wait and cross my fingers and hope that I get it back. Think of my bones if I go into menopause this early!
In the beginning when my Onc was telling me all the possible things that could happen I just heard them with one ear, took notes with one hand, and then let them all pass through me. Trying to not hold on to anything as a concrete possibility. But now that I have actual side effects showing up it makes all the things he said a little truer and scarier. I tried to be so healthy. I ate right, I thought right, I had lots of fun, and I am still where I am today. Crapshoot, crapshoot, crapshoot. And so, sad for a mintue. Break my heart sad, and I will have to save my mourning till later. A later date. A date, when I know for certain that I need to be mourning something. As right now, Heather!! You have to remember that I have a 50% chance of having a normal body back! Right! I need to walk through my days with this thought. This reality, or its going to be too painful. It will take away from my strength that I need to make it through this.

Fall walks

Last time my sis was here, I really liked to eat Pho after chemo. Now, just her mentioning that she wanted to go there made me sick to stomach. Mouth watering, ick! I have to be careful, because many things I have eaten during chemo I can no longer even think about. Gatorade for one. Yhew!!! Chicken noodle soup. Disgusting... I think you got the point, I won't keep making myself sick. So for those of you just starting chemo, stay away from things that you like to eat.
Today, she brought us to Indian food for lunch and then she hit the road back to Eugene. It was nice to have her here for a day. I really am doing okay, so I told her to go be with her husband. Today I am doing good. Yesterday, for some reason was a really icky day. I kept feeling like I was going to throw up and I kept hugging the toilet bowl, and nothing would happen. Anytime I stood up for a period of time, I would feel like this..so I forced myself to lay around, and hold hands with my sis.
When wendy left, D and I drove to the Arboretum and took a walk. What a beautiful park it is! We kissed under a group of cedar trees and talked about what a stressful time it is for us. He said, 'Luckily we have each other to go through this together.' I agreed. We get to do all the stressful things at once, this year. Have a house on the market, and cancer. Awesome time.

I can't believe it..

I really can't believe that yesterday I learned that in fact what I am experiencing is a freakin' Hot Flash. My friend Debbie, let me know that yes, the sweaty head and neck is a common symptom. Oh, great! I know I skipped a period, and I am really hot all the time. Like when I am sleeping. I can't sleep with any covers on me and throughout the day, I just get super clammy feeling on my head and neck. I am praying and I mean, seriously praying that these hot flashes go away and my period returns when I am all done with my treatment. If not, I am going to be really really sad. I know I have those eggs in the freezer, but I didn't want to have to use them. I really just want to have a family without any help. I can, worse case scenario, still get pregnant with those eggs even if I am in menopause. Sad. So sad, that I can't even spend time right now thinking about it too much.

My sister is coming down this weekend. I got pretty sick last night. And this morning, I realized my throat is pretty sore. I hope I don't get a cold. I don't have much to say. I was doing really good, but it takes a lot to stay chipper and happy right now. I have never danced this often on the edge of depression. I have so many things that are and have happened and I just have to force myself to push them aside as I have no idea how and if my body will bounce back from all this toxic crap.

I still cannot believe that I GOT BREAST CANCER. Its gone now. The surgeon pulled it out, but still. Its hard to wrap my brain around it.

Well...

No laughing last night. She did okay.

I am doing okay. I just can't believe it. I am going to do a few massages today and see if I am really doing as well as I think I am. Doing massage is always the ultimate test. I have not been sleeping through the night. The steroids keep me up. Its pretty crazy, I haven't taken them since Wednesday and they are still in my system. Last night, D said, " Wow! You are bright red." And I was. My face and my chest. Red as Rudolph's nose. I have been eating lots of egg on english muffin lately. I get really severe leg cramps if I miss having a banana a day. I drink plenty of water, so I know I am not dehydrated. I can't bring myself to drink regular water. But Pelligrino I can handle. I think its the minerals and the bubbles. MMM...water that tastes good. I am hoping that I can start exercising a few days a week. I'd like to start running again. I still haven't shaved my head. Its partly me being lazy and partly me not wanting to get rid of the only hair I have. I like referring to my wispy hairs as My Hair. Even though it makes D laugh. But it is my hair.

I miss my hair. I miss being in shape. I miss feeling healthy. I miss not having an achy body. I miss being busy like the tasmanian devil. I miss having a sound mind that everything is going to be okay. I miss having that confidence.

Wow! I feel Great!

I was mistaken, I am not going to be on a steroid feast! I only had to take four tabs total. Two the night before, two yesterday morning, and then they gave me a bunch as a pre-med yesterday. But that is it. No more, till next Wednesday! I got the most naseuous I have as I left the hospital and for the first few hours. But no big deal. I much rather feel sick to my stomach and have my mind. I have been awake since 2 am, because of the steroids, but again I don't feel like crap. I feel like Heather. In fact, I am going to stick with a massage for tomorrow morning that I had booked in the hopes that this is how I was going to feel.
With this chemo I do have chance of losing my nails and have neuropathy in my hands and feet, but I will just keep hoping that it doesn't come to that.

I have officially missed my first period. My body tried so hard. I learned yesterday that it isn't just that my body is shutting down and not bleeding. It is that my ovaries are so full of toxins that they are forced to shut down. Like my bones, they too are full of toxins and my chances of developing Osteoposis is high because of this. I have hot flashes now and its just part of it. I have total faith that after this chemo and I start doing all the detoxing that I plan to do, I will get it back. Hopefully...

I am really excited for the debate tonight. I am going to make popcorn and laugh. Oh, laugh, laugh, laugh.

Steroid Feast

Reluctantly, last night I ate two steroids and began my next hurdle of my LAST (yippee) set of Chemo treatment. I had a few minutes of, "Crap, I don't want to start all this again." But, after a little dinner, I downed the tabs and walked into the unknown. I slept pretty well last night, woke up only once. When I did wake up this morning, West Seattle was immersed in a blanket of thick fog. I welcome this change of weather. I want to move forward as fast as I can with all these seasons. It is hard to believe that I have been dealing with all this since early May. That is the day, the little girl in me brought myself to my regular doctor and had no idea what I was in store for in the coming month. She didn't scare me and just referred me off to get checked, just because she wasn't sure. WASN"T SURE!! Thank God forLeslie C. Tregillus, M.D., and that she didn't take a chance with me. DIDN'T TAKE A CHANCE. Huge! Unbelievable.
Those weeks of waiting came and went and I was nervous. But not that nervous. I knew in my gut though. I did. I tried to prepare D for it the "possibility" the best I could. When I got diagnosed I remembered about a year and a half earlier I had this really odd month. I wasn't pregnant, impossible due to my IUD, but I had three sponanteous times that I got really whoozy and then threw up. Maybe this is when I got "Cancer".
Yesterday I watched Oprah's show on BC. I cried a lot. The sisterhood of familiar feelings and depths of loss, only understood by Survivors.
So, today I start the treatment. I have not allowed myself to read what other people experience, just listened to my Onc. I don't want to fill my head with possibilities. I want to have my own experience, and right now I am very impressionable. So, I am protecting myself from myself. My sister is coming this weekend. I hope that I am doing awesome and we get to take a long walk together and make food together and cuddle and hold hands.