Wednesday, August 6, 2008
chemo cancelled
tpying w/ 1 hand again. i didn' t do too many massages. i need to stop thinking i'm a doctor and start calling them when i am in any pain. well, i have a really bad infection in my arm/hand. i'm right now hooked up to intravenous iv and getting a dose of antibiotic. will do that two more times this week, and have a super strong antibiotic that i have to take for 10 days orally, too. i am in so much pain that i HAVE to be on vicodin, i cannot breath through the pain.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
The tin man
It is impossible to use my right hand today. My thumb's tendon is very swollen, to the point that I finally had to take a 1/2 a pain med because I was no longer able to breath through the pain. D wanted to go to doctor;s today, but I said no because I'm going in tomorrow. I feel like the tin man. I'm not going to tpye anymore. Using one hand is no fun. I am scared to do another round of chemo tomorrow.
Monday, August 4, 2008
More Treatments?
My job, as I see it now it to get better, and to learn as much information about my disease. Me, a Triple Negative 33 year old, stage 1, TC1. Yesterday, a new study came out showing that there was a 27% increased survival rate for women whose cancer may have spread into other parts of their body, if given Taxol weekly for 12 consecutive weeks. OH! MY!! That means on Wednesday, I need to go into my Oncologist when I see him, armed with this study and talk to him about it. I want that 27% chance. I want it. I cannot believe that I would ask for more chemo. A whole months more at that.
Yes, no one knows if my cancer has spread. Didn't I do those scans you ask? Yes, I did. But all those incredible space age scans only show cancer that is bigger than a mm. So, any microscopic cancer that is freely floating around in my body is going undetected. My tumor wasn't contained, it was Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. That word, Invasive and being a TN-the nasty Aggressive form that it is, in MY mind, tells me that it is HIGHLY likely that I have free floating cancer cells in my body. Tumors have to live, and my tumor was living for however long it was-no one will ever be able to tell me- living off of my blood in my body. So, it is a no brainer to me to ONE do chemo in the first place, and to ask for more chemo. My ONC. probably has already read this article, but just in case I am bringing it in to him. I don't ever intend on doing chemo again. I want to try as hard as I can this first time, and if it comes back deal with it another way. That way, we won't talk about now. Maybe ever, hopefully. So, here I come. I want that 27%.
Yes, no one knows if my cancer has spread. Didn't I do those scans you ask? Yes, I did. But all those incredible space age scans only show cancer that is bigger than a mm. So, any microscopic cancer that is freely floating around in my body is going undetected. My tumor wasn't contained, it was Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. That word, Invasive and being a TN-the nasty Aggressive form that it is, in MY mind, tells me that it is HIGHLY likely that I have free floating cancer cells in my body. Tumors have to live, and my tumor was living for however long it was-no one will ever be able to tell me- living off of my blood in my body. So, it is a no brainer to me to ONE do chemo in the first place, and to ask for more chemo. My ONC. probably has already read this article, but just in case I am bringing it in to him. I don't ever intend on doing chemo again. I want to try as hard as I can this first time, and if it comes back deal with it another way. That way, we won't talk about now. Maybe ever, hopefully. So, here I come. I want that 27%.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Back to back
I was thinking that back to back would be a good title since I just gave two 1 1/2 hour massages back to back, and I feel awesome. It is so good to be back and fully back. I cannot say how happy I am that I feel normal again. With the whole treatment thing started, I almost mentally feel like Heather again. The old superwoman, Heather.
When I wrote back to back, I also thought that it was a good title with how I am feeling, or is that stuffing, the fact that I have 11 more treatments. In the bottom of my gut and in the back of my mind there is sheer terror with the fact that I have to go through this 11 more times. I am scared and freaked out. I can have a good and optimistic attitude, and hope and try to will my body into not having any reactions to the chemo. But because the first round was so bad, (could've been worse, I could've been puking) that I am a little nervous. So, I just have to think of all the little kids that go through this and all the millions of people worldwide that do chemo and not worry about it. I just have to be a little chemo soldier and keep going.
I am not allowing myself to actually think about my upcoming treatments, except when I am writing here. I am now going to stop myself. Today is a beautiful day in Seattle. Thank God! It has been rainy and cold for most of last week. I have one more 1 1/2 hour massage to do today, and I am looking forward to it. Off to finish, The Book Of Negroes.
When I wrote back to back, I also thought that it was a good title with how I am feeling, or is that stuffing, the fact that I have 11 more treatments. In the bottom of my gut and in the back of my mind there is sheer terror with the fact that I have to go through this 11 more times. I am scared and freaked out. I can have a good and optimistic attitude, and hope and try to will my body into not having any reactions to the chemo. But because the first round was so bad, (could've been worse, I could've been puking) that I am a little nervous. So, I just have to think of all the little kids that go through this and all the millions of people worldwide that do chemo and not worry about it. I just have to be a little chemo soldier and keep going.
I am not allowing myself to actually think about my upcoming treatments, except when I am writing here. I am now going to stop myself. Today is a beautiful day in Seattle. Thank God! It has been rainy and cold for most of last week. I have one more 1 1/2 hour massage to do today, and I am looking forward to it. Off to finish, The Book Of Negroes.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Feeling Good
Today was just perfect. Perfect weather, perfect day, prefect body. I feel good, and have my nose in an incredible Canadian best seller the past few days. It is called, The Book of Negroes by Lawrence Hill. One of the best books I've read in a while. It has been a God send. For the past few days, I am able to get my mind off of cancer, and live the life of a slave.
I have bouts of anxiety about my upcoming chemo treatment and brush them away. I have to stay in the present moment, and when I get scared, I just remind myself that lots and lots and lots of people go through chemo, for even a year and they all make it. I will make it through this, and I'll be okay. Oh! I did get an incredible mouth wash that numbs my mouth so I can eat now. It makes my mouth and me so happy to be out of pain its incredible.
I have bouts of anxiety about my upcoming chemo treatment and brush them away. I have to stay in the present moment, and when I get scared, I just remind myself that lots and lots and lots of people go through chemo, for even a year and they all make it. I will make it through this, and I'll be okay. Oh! I did get an incredible mouth wash that numbs my mouth so I can eat now. It makes my mouth and me so happy to be out of pain its incredible.
Friday, August 1, 2008
A Beautiful Poem
My friend G just sent this to me.
Kindness
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.
~ Naomi Shihab Nye ~
Kindness
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.
~ Naomi Shihab Nye ~
Raspberries
Yesterday, I got a pint of fresh local organic raspberries. I had read everywhere that I wasn't supposed to eat raw fruit and veggies and my doctor said that was balony. At least right now while my WB's are good. He told me to eat whatever I was hungry for. I asked him about one of my favorite, raspberries and he said sure. So, I am rinsing everything and have been enjoying eating whatever that I want. Until yesterday that is. I ate about 1/4 of the pint and gave up because they just didn't taste that great. In fact they were tasteless, they smelled good. I left them out on the counter for D to eat. Sure enough, he came around and ate them and said they were the best berries he'd had all summer. What? I didn't think, I mean would you, that my taste buds were gone? My tongue did feel coarser and yes, I got mouth sores the very first day (even with impeccable mouth rinsing after I ate-every single time~my skin basically just came off the first day, I know gross, but this blog is in detail) but I still have always been able to taste everything. I just couldn't believe it. The next thing that I noticed was our water. We just got a new fridge and D and I drank from it yesterday, as the water was filtered really well and tasted excellent. Well today, that was yesterday now, I can't drink water anymore. It suddenly tasted like plastic, so that is why I really wanted to go get those 10G jugs of freshly filtered water yesterday. I got home with that water, same thing. Some chemo patients say they have a metal taste in their mouths, and I am familiar with this taste due to the scans and injections with them. And this is why I was taken by surprise yesterday. I don't have that taste in my mouth. Yes, I am in a lot of pain in my mouth~and it doesn't really bother me because its the least of body symptoms right now, usually a little sore in my mouth would kill me, and last night they did keep me up a bit, but generally not a big deal. BUT plastic, tasteless fresh raspberries, plastic water. Luckily we have a lot of fresh mint here around the house so I put it in the water. D tasted it a few times for me throughout the day, as even with a huge sprig of mint in my glasses, the water still tasted lifeless.
I wanted to share my thoughts on losing my hair. For those of you that remember me pre-cancer I had gotten my hair so long, and just were I wanted it, finally. I was really, really sad to lose my hair. If you haven't read the hair posts, you may want to go back and recap, as I am not going to again. So, my hair is now in a pixie cut, and it took me a week of feeling the symbolism of losing everything in my life right now, to get over it. I love it now. All this week, I keep running my fingers through my hair, just waiting for the day that clumps start coming out. I kind of tug on my little short strips of hair between my fingers to see if they are coming out any easier, and to my delight they are holding firm. I am ready for my hair to come out though.
As ready as one can be. I am sure the emotional response to having a bald head will be deflating and sad, or maybe it won't be. There is absolutely no way for me to know how I will feel and what feelings will be evoked from the ritual shaving. Or from the looks I will get, you know the young precious kids that can't help but say something. My mom was a very large lady, and I got used to those remarks or the insensitivity of people "trying" to say or do the right thing my entire life. So, maybe I will be okay and used to it. There is also no way of saying this for me other than just bluntly, and those of you that know me, know I am NOT an ego maniac, but I know that I was blessed with a beautiful face and body in this life. I have never personally had anyone discriminate against me because of the way I look. Ever. If anything, my life is much easier because of my looks, and I have always known that. So, this will be my challenge that I am wanting to experience, and am actually excited for the growth. There may be days, that I write in this blog about how hard it is not having hair. And you all will have to understand, that I will be processing this growth as a person. So, this I am looking forward to.
I do not want to wear a damn wig. The wig is for everyone else. I HAVE CANCER. I am undergoing a debilitating treatment and everything in my life is gone, except for the love of my family and friends~which on a side note is incredible. The love that grows between a husband and wife through the trails of life-and living together is absolutely a great reason to sleep with one person for the rest of your life. So, yes, we all know I have cancer, and the wig is for everyone else. It is a costume that I am unwilling to act the part. I love more than life itself going to festivals and dressing up in various costumes and morphing into aspects of my spirit that I can explore. I am unwilling, thank god I've been in counseling since the age of 5~smirking again, to not wear a fucking wig. I am going to embrace this and I am going to go bald. I am going to have sunscreen, don't worry to all of you that are my mom's out there, and wear hats, pretty scarffs, and I am going to rock my electric blue wig if D and I go out on the town. For fun. I won't wear my blue eyelashes, because they say I can't, I might get an eye infection. But, I will have fun, or not and that is okay.
I wanted to share my thoughts on losing my hair. For those of you that remember me pre-cancer I had gotten my hair so long, and just were I wanted it, finally. I was really, really sad to lose my hair. If you haven't read the hair posts, you may want to go back and recap, as I am not going to again. So, my hair is now in a pixie cut, and it took me a week of feeling the symbolism of losing everything in my life right now, to get over it. I love it now. All this week, I keep running my fingers through my hair, just waiting for the day that clumps start coming out. I kind of tug on my little short strips of hair between my fingers to see if they are coming out any easier, and to my delight they are holding firm. I am ready for my hair to come out though.
As ready as one can be. I am sure the emotional response to having a bald head will be deflating and sad, or maybe it won't be. There is absolutely no way for me to know how I will feel and what feelings will be evoked from the ritual shaving. Or from the looks I will get, you know the young precious kids that can't help but say something. My mom was a very large lady, and I got used to those remarks or the insensitivity of people "trying" to say or do the right thing my entire life. So, maybe I will be okay and used to it. There is also no way of saying this for me other than just bluntly, and those of you that know me, know I am NOT an ego maniac, but I know that I was blessed with a beautiful face and body in this life. I have never personally had anyone discriminate against me because of the way I look. Ever. If anything, my life is much easier because of my looks, and I have always known that. So, this will be my challenge that I am wanting to experience, and am actually excited for the growth. There may be days, that I write in this blog about how hard it is not having hair. And you all will have to understand, that I will be processing this growth as a person. So, this I am looking forward to.
I do not want to wear a damn wig. The wig is for everyone else. I HAVE CANCER. I am undergoing a debilitating treatment and everything in my life is gone, except for the love of my family and friends~which on a side note is incredible. The love that grows between a husband and wife through the trails of life-and living together is absolutely a great reason to sleep with one person for the rest of your life. So, yes, we all know I have cancer, and the wig is for everyone else. It is a costume that I am unwilling to act the part. I love more than life itself going to festivals and dressing up in various costumes and morphing into aspects of my spirit that I can explore. I am unwilling, thank god I've been in counseling since the age of 5~smirking again, to not wear a fucking wig. I am going to embrace this and I am going to go bald. I am going to have sunscreen, don't worry to all of you that are my mom's out there, and wear hats, pretty scarffs, and I am going to rock my electric blue wig if D and I go out on the town. For fun. I won't wear my blue eyelashes, because they say I can't, I might get an eye infection. But, I will have fun, or not and that is okay.
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