Today was okay. I found myself pretty sick, and each time I wrote down the time I took a med and why I took it it made me sick just to write the word nauseous, for the reason why I was taking it. I think my brain has a lot to do with me not feeling well. I took an anti-axiety med tonight as my whole body was shaky and I needed to just calm down. I fell asleep and woke up a few hours later. Feeling much better. The past few days lots of friends have dropped by food, which has made it a lot easier for D and I. Being on this chemo alone, the food makes it one less thing we need to do. Though I am not doing anything but lay around and watch movies and tv. Its just takes all my energy to walk up the flight of stairs to the kitchen right now. Forget about going up stairs to the bedroom. Our bedroom during chemo is the downstairs area. Just too many stairs for me. Today we took a very slow walk around the block. I was hoping it was going to take my mind off of eating, and it did for a second. THe steroids are incredibly intense this time. My face and body has been bloated since the day after chemo. We are referring to my little body as plump and red as a beet. The days of pissing it out are long gone. Not sure why, but my body is keeping the water weight longer and longer.
When I saw my onc on wed he said that since I am having such a difficult time with the steroids instead of using Taxol we will use Taxotere. Same results just different chemo cocktail. Taxol i would be on 10 pills a day, and taxorete just 4. Right now on the firtst day I am on 3 then 2 then1 and I am miserable. I guess you have to take lots of steroids because of all the allergeic reactions. I can't sleep and my new sleep aid hasn't put me to sleep, well it did for about an hour. I hope I get tired soon. There is nothing on TV and I am bored.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
To use or not to use
Since the use of steroids seems to be what is causing all my ill affects I had a bright idea to not take them this time. My Onc said, "ok..but here are some suppositories just in case you can't keep anything down." I left his office excited that I wasn't going to be so sick, so swollen, and so sleep deprived shoving my face of unknown foods at all hours of the morning. chemo went okay yesterday and last night I fell asleep with the aid of a new sleep aid. I acutally slept until 5 am. Wonderful. Today, i was up sick as a dog. D and I are on this chemo alone and so he woke up and made me an incredible omelet and then we went back to sleep. I woke up nauseaous and have been all day. Its like having the flu without blowing chunks. I am a puker and always look forward to feeling better afterwards. With all the anti-puke drugs they don't let me ever puke so I just have walked around feeling sick. I just got back from the doctors and they gave me a bunch of IV anti-nauseau stuff and my little WBC count booster so that I can fight off infections better. I actually feel about 50 % better. I'm going to go..just a little update
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Couldn't be better
Today was such a great day, I got to forget I have breast cancer. I even feel that its right to not capitalize it. How fun today was. I worked all day doing real estate and had a very accomplished day. I don't have much to say other than I am equally bummed that tomorrow is another chemo and thrilled that it is my last of AC. I got a letter this morning from a dear reader that said her sister is on the same treatment as me. She had just as rough a time on AC that I have had but that the three months of Taxol were much easier on her. It was a wonderful way to start my day. I had a big smile of hope on my face and I really do hope that in three weeks time, when I start the Taxol that I find that it is easier.
I will just have to wait and see, and until then have faith that this is going to be the case.
I will just have to wait and see, and until then have faith that this is going to be the case.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Missing my hair
I have really been missing having hair the past few days. Looking in the mirror to my bald little head is something that I am not sure I will ever get used to. Going out in public is always a big deal. Kids cannot help their curiosities. They stare and stare and last week, I sweetly looked at the boy that was in front of me in the grocery store and said, "I know, I don't have any hair. I look kind of different, uh?" Is it that adults stare, looking at how healthy I look, but knowing and letting it register that I have cancer? I mean, besides losing my hair I look the picture of health.
I have been feeling like the picture of health lately, too. Wednesday is coming too soon. I wish it weren't. Simple things I used to take for granted like washing all my floors in a matter of minutes because I am a swirling dervish. When I am sick for the week after chemo, I can't do that. Nor do I even want to spend my bit of energy I do have on cleaning the floor as fast as the tasmanian devil. Its funny how the accomplishments I used to make in a day, accomplishments that used to really matter to me, just vanish and all I can do is get through the day. And that is a huge accomplishment.
I have been feeling like the picture of health lately, too. Wednesday is coming too soon. I wish it weren't. Simple things I used to take for granted like washing all my floors in a matter of minutes because I am a swirling dervish. When I am sick for the week after chemo, I can't do that. Nor do I even want to spend my bit of energy I do have on cleaning the floor as fast as the tasmanian devil. Its funny how the accomplishments I used to make in a day, accomplishments that used to really matter to me, just vanish and all I can do is get through the day. And that is a huge accomplishment.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Bag Lady
Okay, sorry I took a few days off. I admittedly have been slammed with real estate and absolutely loving it. Yeah know, when I got diagnosed my life fell apart. It had to. I had to spend weeks on the coach in shock, unable to move. I had to spend time reading everything I could get my hands on about breast cancer and I needed to do this. It empowered me. The pain of family members calling and not understanding and feeling free to judge and ask me why, I wasn't happier, ect...still is painful. I felt so misunderstood in a time that I needed to just be held. The compassionate person in me can and does understand that they are just people, trying to connect the best they can. But my heart has a ways to go with understanding their questions.
I remember when I was afraid of everything in the beginning. Even questioning and being met with no real answers from my doctors about the simplest life things. After my surgery will I be able to carry heavy grocery bags? Will this cause lymphadema? Yesterday, as I left the grocery store I decided to test this for the first time. The once unconscious act of carrying multiple bags in my right and left arms. Well, yesterday I carried two heavy bags with that right arm. I thought to myself, "wow, I am doing it. It doesn't cause any discomfort. I think its safe." That is how my life feels again. I think its safe to be Heather again.
A friend Anna from Vashon made a collague for me. Its a beautiful yellow flower that has shattered glass swirled in a beautiful pattern around its budding flower. This is how my life has and still feels. I was that beautiful radiant flower that gleamed all that I am. And then, cancer came into my life. It shattered the mirror of my life into a million pieces and it was up to me to get them into a beautiful pattern. As I was not going to let cancer make an ugly pattern of my life. So for the past few months I alone, have taken each piece of my shattered life and begun putting it into a beautiful mosaic again. I cannot put the mirror back the way it was. That is impossible, and I don't want to. I want to see all the ways that life isn't perfect and see the beauty in it.
In fact, I am starting to feel empowered again. So, to the people that thought I was being destructive, or that I should be working faster than I was able to, or that I was not "doing" to their unknown (because they have never had cancer, nor had to face their mortality, at a young age) standards, I AM BACK. THE WAY YOU WANTED ME. BUT ON MY TERMS. AND ON MY CLOCK. I am so proud of the way I have gone through this and frankly, I made it. I feel good. Cancer isn't just about facing treatment and making it. Its about facing my life, and facing mortality and being brave to know that noone can tell me if I am going to make it 100% and thats the real truth, not to mention what I had to go through with the whole fertility thing.
So, Heather is trickling back into my blood. I am back tentatively attacking real estate again. I actually am enjoying it tremendously. My office rocks. I love going there and have such support from my family there. From the beginning. Support that hasn't gone away with time.
I still have about five months to go. But I am starting to learn to live with my cancer treatment and all the unknowns. I don't get to know if my cancer counts are going down during this, I just get to have faith that they are. I will get to wait until January to know if I am in fact in remission and that I am living cancer free. So for today, I get to go forward with a beautiful sunny day and I get four more good days until my last AC. I am not looking forward to feeling sick again, and having my soul sucked from my veins. I get to just hope that Taxol is easier and that it gives me a few good days in between the treatments. I am scared that I won't. Changing to weekly chemo treatments brings a bit of anxiety to me. But at least I am now carrying grocery bags and going for bike rides.
I remember when I was afraid of everything in the beginning. Even questioning and being met with no real answers from my doctors about the simplest life things. After my surgery will I be able to carry heavy grocery bags? Will this cause lymphadema? Yesterday, as I left the grocery store I decided to test this for the first time. The once unconscious act of carrying multiple bags in my right and left arms. Well, yesterday I carried two heavy bags with that right arm. I thought to myself, "wow, I am doing it. It doesn't cause any discomfort. I think its safe." That is how my life feels again. I think its safe to be Heather again.
A friend Anna from Vashon made a collague for me. Its a beautiful yellow flower that has shattered glass swirled in a beautiful pattern around its budding flower. This is how my life has and still feels. I was that beautiful radiant flower that gleamed all that I am. And then, cancer came into my life. It shattered the mirror of my life into a million pieces and it was up to me to get them into a beautiful pattern. As I was not going to let cancer make an ugly pattern of my life. So for the past few months I alone, have taken each piece of my shattered life and begun putting it into a beautiful mosaic again. I cannot put the mirror back the way it was. That is impossible, and I don't want to. I want to see all the ways that life isn't perfect and see the beauty in it.
In fact, I am starting to feel empowered again. So, to the people that thought I was being destructive, or that I should be working faster than I was able to, or that I was not "doing" to their unknown (because they have never had cancer, nor had to face their mortality, at a young age) standards, I AM BACK. THE WAY YOU WANTED ME. BUT ON MY TERMS. AND ON MY CLOCK. I am so proud of the way I have gone through this and frankly, I made it. I feel good. Cancer isn't just about facing treatment and making it. Its about facing my life, and facing mortality and being brave to know that noone can tell me if I am going to make it 100% and thats the real truth, not to mention what I had to go through with the whole fertility thing.
So, Heather is trickling back into my blood. I am back tentatively attacking real estate again. I actually am enjoying it tremendously. My office rocks. I love going there and have such support from my family there. From the beginning. Support that hasn't gone away with time.
I still have about five months to go. But I am starting to learn to live with my cancer treatment and all the unknowns. I don't get to know if my cancer counts are going down during this, I just get to have faith that they are. I will get to wait until January to know if I am in fact in remission and that I am living cancer free. So for today, I get to go forward with a beautiful sunny day and I get four more good days until my last AC. I am not looking forward to feeling sick again, and having my soul sucked from my veins. I get to just hope that Taxol is easier and that it gives me a few good days in between the treatments. I am scared that I won't. Changing to weekly chemo treatments brings a bit of anxiety to me. But at least I am now carrying grocery bags and going for bike rides.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
The week of friends
This week friends have brought by a lot of food, and thank you all for that. I honestly haven't been cooking the healthiest possible in the past month, and with the food made with love from you guys, I can just pull it out and it makes life so much easier. I am back to Heather. In fact, D and I are going for a bike ride in a few moments. We are going to try shaving my head today. I have about ten little hairs that are still growing, and so they stand straight up in the air and they are driving me nuts.
I don't have any new major thought provoking ideas to share with you all. It doesn't change. I just have to get through this. Each day, many times through the day, I have to give myself a pep talk and know that I can and will make it through this. I have to give myself these pep talks because its so rough to do what I am doing. Its so disgusting. I say that I would never do it again, but then I think life is worth it. And maybe I would. I just have to say right now that I never would do it again because I can't imagine doing it more than I already need to. In fact, remember when I asked my doctor for the four more treatments of Taxol, because of the 27% increase in survivial rate? Well, right now, and in fact this very second I am listening to myself and my mind, heart, body, and soul now doesn't want to do the extra month. I can't imagine doing it to myself. I could be done with chemo in two months instead of three more. Its going to be each week now (after my last AC, next wed). What if I don't get days of feeling good in between. I know these weeks of feeling good and feeling the joy in my spirit rise again is the ONLY thing that gets me through this. This bike ride I get to go on. The one that I will need to wear a little hat because the wind rustling through the almost bare scalp will be cold. So, can I handle weekly Taxol for three months. No, I know I can't. But then, I know I will. The athlete in me knows I will. I just have to get on my game face, and I am scared. I am so scared, and so sad, and so devestated, and so tired of not feeling good. I am tired of crying and waiting to live life again. I am so pissed.
I don't have any new major thought provoking ideas to share with you all. It doesn't change. I just have to get through this. Each day, many times through the day, I have to give myself a pep talk and know that I can and will make it through this. I have to give myself these pep talks because its so rough to do what I am doing. Its so disgusting. I say that I would never do it again, but then I think life is worth it. And maybe I would. I just have to say right now that I never would do it again because I can't imagine doing it more than I already need to. In fact, remember when I asked my doctor for the four more treatments of Taxol, because of the 27% increase in survivial rate? Well, right now, and in fact this very second I am listening to myself and my mind, heart, body, and soul now doesn't want to do the extra month. I can't imagine doing it to myself. I could be done with chemo in two months instead of three more. Its going to be each week now (after my last AC, next wed). What if I don't get days of feeling good in between. I know these weeks of feeling good and feeling the joy in my spirit rise again is the ONLY thing that gets me through this. This bike ride I get to go on. The one that I will need to wear a little hat because the wind rustling through the almost bare scalp will be cold. So, can I handle weekly Taxol for three months. No, I know I can't. But then, I know I will. The athlete in me knows I will. I just have to get on my game face, and I am scared. I am so scared, and so sad, and so devestated, and so tired of not feeling good. I am tired of crying and waiting to live life again. I am so pissed.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Better Days
The good week is starting to roll in. I can feel the darkness of the AC disappearing and joy is starting to come back into my heart. The key word is "starting". Its amazing what chemo does to me. It steals or takes the joy from my spirit and all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and just hope that the next day is a better day. The very exciting thought for me today is that I just have one more AC and then I am done with it. I am going to have to make a really nice dinner in celebration, maybe bake a pie or something. Although crusts give me indigestion lately so it will probably have to be some kind of cake. I have been thinking about lemon bars lately so maybe I'll make those. I am starting to think that maybe this weekend I can go for a bike ride on Vashon. I can't wait till tomorrow when I am feeling even better than today and will have a full week of feeling good before the last AC.
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