I didn't sleep again last night. I am full of anxiety and worries. This is getting annoying. I am a big sleeper. Like big, in that if I don't get at least 8-10 hours of sleep, now this was pre-cancer, I would get flu like symptoms. This has been how my body has been my entire life. Now, I get about 3-6 hours of sleep. Last night, I fell asleep around 11 and woke up at 4. I just didn't feel good. Hard to explain other than my body didn't feel right. I went downstairs and just sat looking at my newly remodeled kitchen and just sat and looked at how beautiful it is. I got bored doing that after a half hour or so, so I started cleaning. I mopped all the floors in the house and ate two bowels of yogurt. I fell back to sleep for a few hours and woke up feeling great.
D reminded me this morning that for the past three days, I've said, "I finally feel back to normal." I tried explaining, but soon realized that I am simply up against my competitive nature. I'll explain in a bit.
So, I woke up and went grocery shopping. Yippee! Fun, fun, fun. Its is the small things in life that make me happy now. I mean, I can drive, and feel like I will get there safely now! That is a big accomplishment. I drove to get our mail, and went to PCC. I had our 2 ten gallon jugs of H2O to fill. By the time I wove that cart around through the aisles with those jugs full, I could barely walk out to the car. Normally I would be embaressed that I had to ask for help, but today I simply didn't care. They got me out of there, and I could barely walk up the stairs. We have a lot of them. I can't wait till the garage is all done, and then I can just park in the back and walk right into the house. Anyways, so I layed in bed resting for about an hour and just went downstairs and made lunch for D and I. I feel a bit lucid and a bit foggy, but I put on my shoes to mow the lawn next door. I am very independent and because of this it was hard to listen to D. But he nicely put his foot down and said that he wasn't going to let me do that. Damn it! I reluctantly agreed with him that I keep getting bouts of energy and then I do something that wipes me out. He asked me to take one more day to just lay around and watch TV. Okay, so I am in bed now watching Ellen Degenres, and laughing. I am going to wait another day to start doing massages.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Got my mind back
Today was a good day finally. I must say, that yesterday was not day 6, it was day 5. Today was day 6. I am counting the days this way because I am getting my treatments in the early evening.
I met a new friend today, she is a BC survivor of four years now. She came and picked me up, and we went up to the bakery. It was so good to get out of the house, and talk with someone. My brain wasn't working that great in the morning and she understood. In fact, she understood everything I was feeling and thinking. I was able to share with her fears of mine. One fear, was that I wouldn't ever "feel" normal during any of this, so for four months. I am very in tune with my body and because of this I can really feel all the drugs in my system. When I was talking to her about this, my oncology nurse called. I talked to the nurse about my fear and that I still didn't feel safe driving a car. My motor skills didn't feel like they had kicked in yet. My new friend, Sandi said that I probably won't feel "normal" during this entire treatment. I realize that I just have to surrender to that.
After about an hour of visiting, I got extremely tired and had to go home. I slept for a few hours and woke up to a clear head. I felt so good, that I booked a massage to do this evening (I just did it and feel okay). I knew I could do the massage, I just wasn't sure if I could drive there. I feel high, or drugged, up until this afternoon. So, to my surprise, I woke up feeling good and just did the massage. I need to do massages as much as I can right now because it is a meditation for me and it helps me to not think about having cancer for an hour. Plus, I love my clients and i love what I do, so that makes all the difference in the world.
As you can probably tell, I am still not writing up to the way that I like to. I am in bed now, not feeling that great. I may take a nausea medicine here in a bit.
I met a new friend today, she is a BC survivor of four years now. She came and picked me up, and we went up to the bakery. It was so good to get out of the house, and talk with someone. My brain wasn't working that great in the morning and she understood. In fact, she understood everything I was feeling and thinking. I was able to share with her fears of mine. One fear, was that I wouldn't ever "feel" normal during any of this, so for four months. I am very in tune with my body and because of this I can really feel all the drugs in my system. When I was talking to her about this, my oncology nurse called. I talked to the nurse about my fear and that I still didn't feel safe driving a car. My motor skills didn't feel like they had kicked in yet. My new friend, Sandi said that I probably won't feel "normal" during this entire treatment. I realize that I just have to surrender to that.
After about an hour of visiting, I got extremely tired and had to go home. I slept for a few hours and woke up to a clear head. I felt so good, that I booked a massage to do this evening (I just did it and feel okay). I knew I could do the massage, I just wasn't sure if I could drive there. I feel high, or drugged, up until this afternoon. So, to my surprise, I woke up feeling good and just did the massage. I need to do massages as much as I can right now because it is a meditation for me and it helps me to not think about having cancer for an hour. Plus, I love my clients and i love what I do, so that makes all the difference in the world.
As you can probably tell, I am still not writing up to the way that I like to. I am in bed now, not feeling that great. I may take a nausea medicine here in a bit.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
What started great..
Today, was not a good day after all. I called a family member today, a few of them and cried. Today is day 6. I was hoping to go to Costco, maybe even mow the lawn for a bit of exercise, (it rained so I couldn't anyways) and by 10 am I was flat on my back, in bed. I woke up feeling great, I started organizing the kitchen and by 10, I suddenly felt nauseous and faint. Seriously, sick. I layed in bed for a few hours, slept, and tried to go back at the kitchen. Same thing. I reluctantly ignored D's suggestion that I should take the anti-nausea med's. I felt like I was being weak if I needed it. So, when it hit me again, I called the doctor's office. Sure enough, I was supposed to take the medicine, wait a half hour to eat, and then that is what I did for the rest of the day. I ate. I was hit by insanely intense food cravings. At one point, I asked D to stop working and drive me up to the bakery because I had to have a muffin. My guts felt like they were going to come screaming out of me if I didn't have one right then. The trip to the bakery was insane. Being in public, I realized how not well I am yet. Or should I say, I could feel the poison in me still working its way out of me.
For the whole day, I layed in bed, and drank lots of salty things, as this is what the nurse said I probably needed. I did feel better, but not even 90% yet. I was sad about that. I really wanted to be better today. The nurse reminded me again today, that I need to not compare my body with anybody elses, and I need to not compare my treatments with one another. They all could be different.
For the whole day, I layed in bed, and drank lots of salty things, as this is what the nurse said I probably needed. I did feel better, but not even 90% yet. I was sad about that. I really wanted to be better today. The nurse reminded me again today, that I need to not compare my body with anybody elses, and I need to not compare my treatments with one another. They all could be different.
Yogurt and my meanderings
Okay, I can finally say it, " I made it thru my first chemo treatment." I am really done. Last night, though the heartburn was severe, I slept every couple hours. Then I would wake up and have a huge bowl of Nancys Lowfat Plain Yogurt. The chemo's new second food must have. I think I ate three huge bowls, or was that four? All I know is that I bought a big one, the biggest one they make yesterday and I ate half of it last night. It was the only thing that soothed my stomach. I slept. That is huge. I thought, as I can still feel the steroid's or, maybe its just the anxities of going through this treatment.
This disease is teaching me many things. One of the big ones is compassion. Not that I wasn't a compassionate person before but because I see the fragility of who we all are. I knew that we are all trying our hardest and trying to be the best we can, but now I don't feel the judgement that was there before. I have an exceptance in a more universal way. The second biggy is a fact. I am learning to surrender. That though, the "normal" Heather, or the Heather that has died in the past few months, once believed she was God. I truely did, guys. I thought I 100% was what I believed, projected, willed, everything, you name it, I believed that I could actually shift anything if I believed in it enough. But what I am learning through surrendering, is that I do not have control over anything (oh, please spare me the attitude one, I know that-I say that with a smirk) and the old "God" that I thought I once was/is/have been~because I was once a this, I is now gone. In its place in me learning to be okay with the unknown. There could rest fear in this place, but I have to disregard it. I have to push it aside. I have to trust in the winds of change, or spirit, or allah, or jesus, whatever we "cope" with by calling on the greater, I have to trust that everything is going to be alright. And for the first time in my life, not just because I feel like its me that is projecting on itself. Me, the all knowing manifester~ smirking again.
So, yes, I have to surrender, and trust, and have more compassion ALL for myself during this time, which in and of itself is teaching me to open my spirit like a lotus blossom and just love.
This is incredibly painful to me. I feel a sense of death to the young superwoman that flew in all her glory. I feel an age of understanding that my Dad, would have hoped I wouldn't see for twenty more years. But, for some reason the winds brought these lessons to me this summer, and I get to be a better person sooner, than I had thought in my all knowing, was due me.
This disease is teaching me many things. One of the big ones is compassion. Not that I wasn't a compassionate person before but because I see the fragility of who we all are. I knew that we are all trying our hardest and trying to be the best we can, but now I don't feel the judgement that was there before. I have an exceptance in a more universal way. The second biggy is a fact. I am learning to surrender. That though, the "normal" Heather, or the Heather that has died in the past few months, once believed she was God. I truely did, guys. I thought I 100% was what I believed, projected, willed, everything, you name it, I believed that I could actually shift anything if I believed in it enough. But what I am learning through surrendering, is that I do not have control over anything (oh, please spare me the attitude one, I know that-I say that with a smirk) and the old "God" that I thought I once was/is/have been~because I was once a this, I is now gone. In its place in me learning to be okay with the unknown. There could rest fear in this place, but I have to disregard it. I have to push it aside. I have to trust in the winds of change, or spirit, or allah, or jesus, whatever we "cope" with by calling on the greater, I have to trust that everything is going to be alright. And for the first time in my life, not just because I feel like its me that is projecting on itself. Me, the all knowing manifester~ smirking again.
So, yes, I have to surrender, and trust, and have more compassion ALL for myself during this time, which in and of itself is teaching me to open my spirit like a lotus blossom and just love.
This is incredibly painful to me. I feel a sense of death to the young superwoman that flew in all her glory. I feel an age of understanding that my Dad, would have hoped I wouldn't see for twenty more years. But, for some reason the winds brought these lessons to me this summer, and I get to be a better person sooner, than I had thought in my all knowing, was due me.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Holy Mollie
I called my oncologist today because I have had severe heartburn, and I haven't been able to sleep. Luckily, I asked why I needed to keep taking the steroid that I've been taking three times a day, so every 8 hours. The nurse, acted shocked and said, "Well, generally you only take it for three days. The first day, you take three, the second day you take 2, and then the third day, only 1." She checked with my doctor and indeed the bottle is wrong, and the chemo nurse that sent me home with the medications was wrong in directing D and G. So, I have been hoppped up on steroids and not able to sleep and the nurse thinks my heartburn has been so bad because of the steroids. So..good news, no more meds.
The only bummer thing is now, that my body has been on such a high dose for 5 days, that I may have a steroid crash they said for today and tomorrow (body sore, and really tired). This is a little frustrating to D and G, but to me, it doesn't really matter. I know in my normal world, I'd probably be pissed right now. But, to me I have to just surrender to so much right now, and all if it doesn't make sense to me. The fact that I have been overdosing on steroids the past few days, is a small deal compared to it all.
The only bummer thing is now, that my body has been on such a high dose for 5 days, that I may have a steroid crash they said for today and tomorrow (body sore, and really tired). This is a little frustrating to D and G, but to me, it doesn't really matter. I know in my normal world, I'd probably be pissed right now. But, to me I have to just surrender to so much right now, and all if it doesn't make sense to me. The fact that I have been overdosing on steroids the past few days, is a small deal compared to it all.
What rabbit hole was that?
I can't sleep again. I keep waking up to eat TUMS, and drink water, which leads to the inevitable and I thought I'd just type a bit. First of all, there are heros each and everyday that appear and help D and I in various ways. But yesterday, our family was really really blessed by many acts of supreme kindness. I need to call these folks out into the middle of the circle and say thank you for supporting us in such an incredible way. FIrst of all D's Dad, Roger and Brother Kale, Thank You two for taking the time and energy and pain in the ass, that moving is out of your day to help D move all of the staging furniture (packing and loading it) into a u-haul, then driving it down from Lynden yesterday, to move it all into our house, and then you moved all of our furniture from our downstairs MIL, into the main house. I won't go into how much this time was good for D, but for me, it was not just about moving our stuff. Being as vulnerable as you can with family is always powerful. Thank You. These words just don't say what I mean, and that is frustrating.
Maryam, thank you for being a gentle spirit in my morning yesterday. You tender touch of your hands on my shoulder reassured me that I was not alone, and your support helped me feel my own strength that this was just passing, and I was going to get through this.
Tamara, thank you for sitting with me for a huge portion of the day. You gave me the energy to watch 3 movies, and you waited on me like a momma bear. I really needed the time to just not have to get up and "DO" anything. WIth all the chaos of the move, you helped me remember that it wasn't my job right now to help anybody, but myself.
Ann Leda, thank you for making a special trip to my house to give me an acupuncture journey. I don't need to say anything else here, you know how special you are to me, and what it meant that you came.
So, now to the rabbit hole.. What the hell?? I cannot for the life of me remember what I just went through, except for yesterday. So, from Wednesday to Saturday, one big blur. I vaguely remember visiting a cedar tree with Gen, Gen washing and washing, and washing some more dishes, Gen making me egg on top of toast over and over and over again, and not a lot else. D asked me how I felt, is it kindof like the flu? I said no way. He asked, "If I woke up feeling like this what would I do." I said, "I'd have you take me to the emergency room." My soul was sucked from me, it felt like. The Adriamycin or the Cytocxtan, who knows which evil but my 33 year old body feels like a 76 year old women. I walk in a shuffled gait, I am out of breath by walking a few paces, my body aches in a way that I tried to describe a few days ago, words just do not capture how it is that I feel. Or they do, and I am just to brain dead still to think of a poetic way to explain to you all, how intimately my body has been held captive by poison. Someone asked me why I wasn't happier finding out I was a Stage 1, instead of a 2. Because, I am 33 years old, and I have Breast Cancer. That is why. Because I knew I had 12 treatments of Chemotherapy ahead of me. Today, I have something to be VERY happy about, I am done with number 1, and I have only 11 chemo treatments left!!
Maryam, thank you for being a gentle spirit in my morning yesterday. You tender touch of your hands on my shoulder reassured me that I was not alone, and your support helped me feel my own strength that this was just passing, and I was going to get through this.
Tamara, thank you for sitting with me for a huge portion of the day. You gave me the energy to watch 3 movies, and you waited on me like a momma bear. I really needed the time to just not have to get up and "DO" anything. WIth all the chaos of the move, you helped me remember that it wasn't my job right now to help anybody, but myself.
Ann Leda, thank you for making a special trip to my house to give me an acupuncture journey. I don't need to say anything else here, you know how special you are to me, and what it meant that you came.
So, now to the rabbit hole.. What the hell?? I cannot for the life of me remember what I just went through, except for yesterday. So, from Wednesday to Saturday, one big blur. I vaguely remember visiting a cedar tree with Gen, Gen washing and washing, and washing some more dishes, Gen making me egg on top of toast over and over and over again, and not a lot else. D asked me how I felt, is it kindof like the flu? I said no way. He asked, "If I woke up feeling like this what would I do." I said, "I'd have you take me to the emergency room." My soul was sucked from me, it felt like. The Adriamycin or the Cytocxtan, who knows which evil but my 33 year old body feels like a 76 year old women. I walk in a shuffled gait, I am out of breath by walking a few paces, my body aches in a way that I tried to describe a few days ago, words just do not capture how it is that I feel. Or they do, and I am just to brain dead still to think of a poetic way to explain to you all, how intimately my body has been held captive by poison. Someone asked me why I wasn't happier finding out I was a Stage 1, instead of a 2. Because, I am 33 years old, and I have Breast Cancer. That is why. Because I knew I had 12 treatments of Chemotherapy ahead of me. Today, I have something to be VERY happy about, I am done with number 1, and I have only 11 chemo treatments left!!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Quick before I change!
I am wide awake. Full of various chemo anxietities and a new burning sensation, heart burn! I thought I'd write know, just in case in the morning I feel like crap again. I think I feel like Heather, at least I do right now. The waves are intense. The pain is horrible. I am not wanting to mince words and i am sure you're all glad I am not. It hurts down to my core. Last night I asked G, if she could feel me shaking. She wrapped her arms around my stomach and said, No. But then I placed her hands on my leg and then she could feel it. It is like the booster shot, is taking grab of my femur, tibia, and ulna bones and just shaking them. The shake goes up into my stomach were it circles around my sacrum and radiates out and around my hip bones. Incredible uncomfortable. For the Julie, that commented the other day, child birth is a breeze after chemo, thank you for saying that. I can, and will get through this.
Yesterday, I had a bit of a cry with G and D outside, on our new beautiful patio. I just cried and cried. Not so much Why me? But How Me? What could I have done differently? Why not a coach potatoe? Why not, okay, yes, there was some Why Me, mixed in there. I just don't want to be spending my summer doing this. Treatment for six months, it is so wrong. Soooo, I cried, they listened, and they pulled me out of the mud and gave me a pep talk, both of them. One would let me get down, the other would pick me up, and then they would change. Tomorrow D, is heading up north to get all of our staging furniture for the house. His Dad, Roger and brother Kale will help him move all the stuff down here, and then spend the day setting up the house! Thanks you guys!! We wouldn't be able to have gotten this all together if it wasn't for you.
I will have two babysitters. I cannot be left alone yet. My day yesterday, but mainly my brain is simply not working. Or at least it wasn't about 3 hours ago. Now, 1 am, here you are and my brain is working and there is a hunger that is unquenchable. The steroids they give you for anti-nausea are, "Eat NOW!! You ARE HUNGRY!! ORR...Your Going TO VOMIT." So, I eat. Usually the egg and toast, with Wildwood Aioli sauce, but right now I am sipping on some very bland, delicious I might ad, veggie soup. All the veggies are from my friend Dave's Organic farm, in Eugene. The difference between fresh produce and store bought is huge!!
So, in a few hours my friend, Maryam from work, is coming over to watch me in the morning, as G has to leave back to Toronto. And then my other Tamara, is coming from 12-5. Then my old time friend Ann Leda an Acupuncturist is making a house call to me to give me a very needed treatment. The other day, my also very old friend Lyn Solander, gave me a massage I think the day before Chemo. It is all a blur now, as I am a wreck. A very tired wreck. If I go back into bed, I will just lay there, tossing and turning and THINKING! This sucks. Off to check email. Read the paper. Who knows. Hopefully I'll be a easy baby to watch tomorrow guys. I am not getting that much sleep, about three hours worth. Maybe I'll just sleep right through.
Yesterday, I had a bit of a cry with G and D outside, on our new beautiful patio. I just cried and cried. Not so much Why me? But How Me? What could I have done differently? Why not a coach potatoe? Why not, okay, yes, there was some Why Me, mixed in there. I just don't want to be spending my summer doing this. Treatment for six months, it is so wrong. Soooo, I cried, they listened, and they pulled me out of the mud and gave me a pep talk, both of them. One would let me get down, the other would pick me up, and then they would change. Tomorrow D, is heading up north to get all of our staging furniture for the house. His Dad, Roger and brother Kale will help him move all the stuff down here, and then spend the day setting up the house! Thanks you guys!! We wouldn't be able to have gotten this all together if it wasn't for you.
I will have two babysitters. I cannot be left alone yet. My day yesterday, but mainly my brain is simply not working. Or at least it wasn't about 3 hours ago. Now, 1 am, here you are and my brain is working and there is a hunger that is unquenchable. The steroids they give you for anti-nausea are, "Eat NOW!! You ARE HUNGRY!! ORR...Your Going TO VOMIT." So, I eat. Usually the egg and toast, with Wildwood Aioli sauce, but right now I am sipping on some very bland, delicious I might ad, veggie soup. All the veggies are from my friend Dave's Organic farm, in Eugene. The difference between fresh produce and store bought is huge!!
So, in a few hours my friend, Maryam from work, is coming over to watch me in the morning, as G has to leave back to Toronto. And then my other Tamara, is coming from 12-5. Then my old time friend Ann Leda an Acupuncturist is making a house call to me to give me a very needed treatment. The other day, my also very old friend Lyn Solander, gave me a massage I think the day before Chemo. It is all a blur now, as I am a wreck. A very tired wreck. If I go back into bed, I will just lay there, tossing and turning and THINKING! This sucks. Off to check email. Read the paper. Who knows. Hopefully I'll be a easy baby to watch tomorrow guys. I am not getting that much sleep, about three hours worth. Maybe I'll just sleep right through.
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