Thinking all day about this

I want this blog to touch peoples hearts, to bring awareness, and to keep my loved ones in touch with my journey.  That being said, my earlier post today was one that I did not write but I found on another survivor's blog.  It is negative.  It is intense, and it may very well make many of you that do not belong to this club think that I am heading in a wrong direction with my healing.  I chose to post this, first and foremost because it is how I feel.  I have had many things said to me on this short time on my journey that hurt because people care and want to ask things.  But the questions are so insensitive.  So I posted this to help protect me from questions that are NOT needed nor helpful.  To be helpful to you all that are in my daily life wether it be in person or in email. 

Everything is uncomfortable.  My life is on hold, and I get to watch from a distant room everyone living their lives, fretting over all of their goals being met or not.  I can feel peoples fears now more than ever.  And it causes these uncomfortable questions from pouring out of their mouths.

I know I will be okay, wether I make it through this or I find myself coming into this world as a new little being with new parents, I will be OKAY.  Life is beautiful.  I am blessed to have such a wonder filled adventurous life so far.  I have LIVED and LOVED deeply.  I am not scared about my journey or how hard it will be because I have so much love and support around me. Although this changes from second to second.  Yes, to answer many of these questions, I am scared, so badly that I have to force myself probably 40 times a day to not think about it, otherwise it becomes debilitating. 

I felt like it was important to add this post because as of about two weeks ago I got SICK of hearing everyone TELL me I am going to be okay (just as sure of themselves as if before I got cancer, if I had asked if they thought I had cancer, they'd all say NO; well guess what, that was wrong), especially if I kept a good attitude.  Attitude has nothing to do with this.  And it has everything to do with this.  I guess I posted this to help protect me when and IF I get really ill from Chemo and people ask me questions that hurt and I don't have the energy to nicely respond.  This sounds so melodramatic, and I've resisted saying this but, I am going to be fighting for my life.  And it is insulting to me to have everyone tells me I am going to be okay.  Like I shouldn't go through this horrific experience of treatment and just trust blindly that I will be Okay.  

No one knows if I am going to be okay.  That is why I have to do Chemo and Radiation, for a long time.  No one knows 100%.  But what feels good is when people ask me, "what can I do?"  or any uplifting, " Your a fighter, you have strength."  Oh!  I just thought of a good one.  It's kind of like if your little son/daughter was about to play a game of baseball.  You wouldn't say, "You are going to do Okay."  You'd say ( or at least I would say), " Go get 'em tiger!  You have a slammin' swing."  Or, "You can catch every fly ball." 

Just being real with me.  Imagine you puking in a toilet bowl and what would you want someone to say to you?  I would like someone to say, "Here is a warm cloth to wipe your face with."  So, that is why I posted someone else's thoughts as they are how I feel at times.  I just want to help you all be kind and thoughtful with your comments or questions or concerns as I KNOW you WANT TO BE.  I mean really, if you haven't had someone with cancer in your life, how do you know what to say?  I sure didn't when my friend Jody was going through this with her mom.  I sure wish and regret I was there more for her.  I love you Jodster!!