Just sick

Today was not a good day. I lost some of the water weight, but I had crazy food cravings. Ones that brought me back to what I liked to eat as a child. I had to take my anti-nausea a few times today. I am sad and I hate that I have to go through this. End of story. I am over it. I want my little life back. The one that I got to worry about all the silly little things. Like if there was a slow idiot in front of me in the car. I used to honk and get pissed. Now, I just slow down. Just slow down Heather. Its going to be alright. Everything is going to work out the way its supposed to. Maybe not the way I thought, but that is part of the beauty.

The only skirt that fits

I've ballooned up again. Its all water weight, I hope. My skin hurts, and I have no clothes that fit. The only thing I can get on my over my hips is a skirt that I put on over my head. I have been so hungry and I have to eat. The steroids make me. They send out this crazy hunger in me that paralyzes all will and I succumb as quickly as I'd imagine a tiny tot with a cookie in front of his/her face. In seconds. My friend Kristen today said, "its sounds just like when I was pregnant."
I didn't sleep again last night. I woke up at 1, at 3, at 5, and then at 6:30, each time just starving and I had to eat. Luckily my sister made lots of little meals for me, so I just would pop a little stuffed red pepper in the oven and eat it up before it was fully warmed. Or yogurt, or a peach...you get the idea. This morning I brought myself out to a nice breakfast, alone. On the drive there, I was so hungry. I didn't stop for a quick pastry, even though my mind was telling me that if this little french restaurant was packed and I had to wait I might go insane with food cravings. Like my mouth would start watering, the corners of my mouth would start to pucker, and I might eat the food off of a sweet little lovebirds table next to me. But I resisted, and luckily there wasn't much of a wait. I tried to disappear within the pages of the book that every girl in America has read, the one you know that everyone carries with them, Love, Eat, and Pray. I do like the book and her travels are fun, especially since she is almost obsessed with food as I am. That brings me an idea, I should read some real "foody" books right now. In fact, if any of you know of one please give me the title. Anyways, so life is about feeding the steroid rage as wendy my sis, and D call it. I hope its gone tomorrow. I have eaten and eaten and honestly this afternoon I am not as starved as I was yesterday. I am feeling much better today. In fact I just woke up from a nap. My body doesn't ache, I can see, and lord I AM MORE THAN HALF WAY FINISHED...with hell. I just have one more AC and then its Taxol baby.

Not sleeping

My sis and I grew up sharing a room. I was the neat freak and she was the one with the apple under her bed. Needless to say, one day I got the almighty Roll Of Duck Tape and made a line down the middle of our room. That way my weeble wobbly's and fischer price guys could be set up in constant play and I didn't have to worry about cleaning her side of the room. Last night or I guess still tonight, I slept in the same bed with her. I love her so much. This snuggly brought back childhood memories and a comfort that is only shared with a sister. I have been up off and on since 1 am. The first round, I ate a cup of Plain LF Nancys yogurt and now, a bowl of kick ass buffalo chili my fridn Nic brought by earlier in the week. Its so good. I am not sure if I'll be able to get myself to fall asleep again. The steroid induced weight gain came on again yesterday. My doc, (tink by the way) said its usual and I am okay. Even the very not talked about because I was afraid of talking about "crazy" things on her that the 6th day I loose my mind for about 45 minutes. I have to force myself to lay down and not to think because my mind starts racing faster than my other mind and I fragment. No worries with that, just a lovely side effect of the chemo and steroid use together. Both just working their way out of my sysytem. I am crossing my fingers that it doessn't happen this time again.
Over all this chemo was better than the other two. Yesterday was a bad day. I hope today isn't a bad day. My joints really really hurt and I had to take an ativan just to be able to handle the persistant *reaking pain last night. I'm supposed to take those every night, and I do, but I took it a little early. They are supposed to help me sleep. But they don't. As you can see. I watched the stand up to cancer thing yesterday. My sis and I held hands and she cried. I couldn't cry anymore. You know, the tears would have been "poor me" tears and my sis was doing enough of those for me that it made me feel good and empowered. Damn cancer. Wears that Fuck cancer hat. My little noggin is cold. I wear it around the house. Haven't been bold enough to wear it on the streets of West Seattle. I think kids hear that word enough. They don't need to see a bald lady wearing it on her head.

I'm not feeling good

Today sucks. My body aches, my skin is red as a beet, but I can see and type. End of story. My thumb got a damn little knick in it and now its getting infected. One more day of trying the neosporin. If its not better tomorrow, I am calling my doctor.

All on the wing of a prayer

For those of you raised in the 80's you'll know this diddy.

Believe it or not, I'm walking on air.
I never thought I'd live so freee.

ooohhh could this be, believe its just me.

I am feeling pretty damn good. Good in the meaning that I can actually see still, I feel like I have the flu but that I am not dying, and the other complaint is just a mild digestive upset and redskin.

So, I am doing good. I even did a real estate deal today. I've slept pretty much all day, and woke up and ate all the yummy food my sis is making me. I hope I feel as good as I do today tomorrow.

Love, H

Already?

Chemo day number three. I am not stoked that its here. I feel like I am running the best race of my life and I twisted my ankle and I have to stop. Bummer! I am having so much fun again and now I get to feel like total crap for another week. My sister is on her way up from Eugene. I haven't wanted to talk to her that much this past week because I didn't want to talk about her coming. You know how you do that with guest. The excitement that they are coming. Because she is coming to help us out, there isn't in an excitement to see her because she's coming to help me through this chemo crap. Chemo does weird things to my brain. It makes me sick to even think about today and what's going to happen. I called her yesterday and told her, "okay, I'm ready to talk about you coming. I've got my game hat on again." I was serious. I have to put on my kick ass, or the actual Fuck Cancer hat, my friend Tamara got me to get myself psyched for this. After today, I only have one more AC and that's going to be awesome!!

So Good

I am so thankful for this past week of feeling good again. I really have felt totally like myself for only about four days, but those days have been wonderful. Today I think was the best yet. Did I mention how much I have always loved my ability to mulit-task at a high level? I mean I love it. Today, my mind was working full swing and I was able to think way in the future about all the little things I got to plan for and to execute. The difference now is that I don't let any of it stress me out. For that lesson alone, I am thankful. I still run into friends that don't know I have cancer and its so insane to relive those early days of how it felt to share my news. Now when I share the news, there is strength in the telling and not a feeling of morbidity. I guess there is still that sense of who the hell really knows but not on such a deep level. I am an optimist but I cannot totally believe in a 100% cure since it was and is still so incredibly shocking that I "got" it in the first place. I sure as hell hope and send positive energy out there but at the end of the day none of us really knows when our time is and will be.
I just get to live with that heightened awareness for the rest of my life. I think that is a good thing. I think.