Today, D and I went to our friends child's first birthday party. It was a lot of fun. Everyone there had kids and I couldn't help but notice. The days of being in this situation and having it absolutely KILL me are long gone. Today I just got to notice it and thank god that I am not a mom with breast cancer. I did have fleeting moments of being pissed that I have cancer and that I am dealing with this. I wish I could have chimed in with the other mom's bitching that I haven't slept and how hard being a parent is. Instead, I got to sit back and reflect on how much I will cherish those anguished moments. Life is forever changed and being forced my nature to step my child bearing years aside is yet another lesson I get to learn right now.
As I was at the party I also got to reflect on choices and how we each get to make them all day everyday. I get to decide each day how I am going to react to things and wether or not I am going to empowered or be victimized. I of coarse, having a mother that taught the victim thing very well now how that choice isn't me. You can see the victimized a mile away. The whoa is me, people. I mean people, wake up. Live YOUR life. Dare to ask for what you deserve. Dare to believe that you are the magician in your life. Dare to trust that people are there. Cancer has really taught me this even more. I mean, I have had to dare to ask people for a helping hand. To ask for meals to be delivered the Mondays after chemo. The hard part after asking, is RECEIVING. That is hard and for most woman even harder. So, today these are the little (big) lessons I get to reflect on and cherish. When I am all better, this Heather is going to be a stronger Heather. I will not sit back and take no for an answer with the things in my heart that are dear to me. If no is the answer, then I need to move on and make it so that Yes is my answer. Yes, because life is too short to be wasting time on brick walls. Life is too precious.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Great Article
For those of you interested in such things, in today's Newyorktimes.com there is an article about treating cancer when woman are pregnant.
If this doesn't copy and paste correctly, just go to it online. Scroll down to the magazine and there it is.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/31/magazine/31cancer-t.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1
If this doesn't copy and paste correctly, just go to it online. Scroll down to the magazine and there it is.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/31/magazine/31cancer-t.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1
Friends
Yesterday was a fun day to look forward to. Three of my old-time clients came over from Vashon to visit me. We went up to the notorious Bakery Nouveau and we had a little feast. Or should I say, I did and they had a nice lunch. I tried convincing them to splurge and eat up but they didn't take my suggestion! I wanted company in my pig out. This morning I asked D what he wanted for breakfast and he said, " I am full from the last three days, ah.. a bowl of yogurt and fruit." I had to check in with my stomach and the usual starved first thing in the morning wasn't happening. I guess I am finally satiated and so we had a small breakfast. I am going to Bumbershoot today and I got to go get dressed. Fun, fun, fun..
Thursday, August 28, 2008
A bright Sunny Day
Seattle weather. The word that I could use to describe it in a positive light would be gloomy. What was with the almost tornado that hovered over Lake Washington the other day. Seattle? Despite this, I started feeling like my little Tigger self yesterday and D had to slow the little hummingbird down a few times. I get so excited now that I am feeling good that I get overwhelmed and start talking at lightening speed about things. If you could imagine. My life is kindof like my tongue.
People say that you can check out someone's tongue and see how healthy/unhealthy they are and I am starting to be a believer in that. When I do chemo, my life shuts down and so does my taste buds. They happen about the same day. Shit, even my eyes become blurry and I cannot see the TV or read for days. Can you imagine anything worse? I feel like crap, everything hurts, your mind is numb, you can't think, you can't remember where the toothpaste is and water starts tasting like poison? Awesome time! I mean, give me more.
I am laughing and I am joking, because I have exactly one week to do so. Laughing and joking is going to help me through this and you all get to remind me that I will soon feel better and the hell I went/going through is passing. So yes, the grey skies of the PNW are just like my taste buds.
But the good thing, is that I am drinking some delicious vanilla roobios tea right now and it finally tastes the way its supposed to and my heart feels like exploding with love again. What happens to the joy during chemo? What happens to my spirit? Where does it go? It feels like a grey cloud is injected into my port (my skin actually turns an ashen/grey colour during the chemo injection) and for a week "Heather" disappears. I have no control over that, nor do I have the energy to try to go and find her. She just goes away, far away and I feel like I am left with a shell of who I am. What animal do I transcend into? Let me think. A snail, with no shell. A...leaf that is at the end stage of rotting on the forest floor in early March? Yes, a leaf in March. That is what I feel like.
So today, is a good day. The little kid in me wants to sing lots of songs and happy songs at that. I want to look at all the blades of grass outside as if its the first time ever and ask "Why" a lot. I feel reborn and happy I have one FULL week of bliss ahead of me. One of my favorite bands is playing at Bumbershoot Saturday night, Band of Horses and I am looking forward to having the energy to trawl around like a salmon in the sea of people all day and night this Saturday with D. It will be fun.
People say that you can check out someone's tongue and see how healthy/unhealthy they are and I am starting to be a believer in that. When I do chemo, my life shuts down and so does my taste buds. They happen about the same day. Shit, even my eyes become blurry and I cannot see the TV or read for days. Can you imagine anything worse? I feel like crap, everything hurts, your mind is numb, you can't think, you can't remember where the toothpaste is and water starts tasting like poison? Awesome time! I mean, give me more.
I am laughing and I am joking, because I have exactly one week to do so. Laughing and joking is going to help me through this and you all get to remind me that I will soon feel better and the hell I went/going through is passing. So yes, the grey skies of the PNW are just like my taste buds.
But the good thing, is that I am drinking some delicious vanilla roobios tea right now and it finally tastes the way its supposed to and my heart feels like exploding with love again. What happens to the joy during chemo? What happens to my spirit? Where does it go? It feels like a grey cloud is injected into my port (my skin actually turns an ashen/grey colour during the chemo injection) and for a week "Heather" disappears. I have no control over that, nor do I have the energy to try to go and find her. She just goes away, far away and I feel like I am left with a shell of who I am. What animal do I transcend into? Let me think. A snail, with no shell. A...leaf that is at the end stage of rotting on the forest floor in early March? Yes, a leaf in March. That is what I feel like.
So today, is a good day. The little kid in me wants to sing lots of songs and happy songs at that. I want to look at all the blades of grass outside as if its the first time ever and ask "Why" a lot. I feel reborn and happy I have one FULL week of bliss ahead of me. One of my favorite bands is playing at Bumbershoot Saturday night, Band of Horses and I am looking forward to having the energy to trawl around like a salmon in the sea of people all day and night this Saturday with D. It will be fun.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Chemo Guns
I am glad that now, a few hours ago, yesterday is over. Yesterday sucked. I hit a wall and really was done with doing chemo. I didn't/don't want to do it anymore and after a little BBQ last night D and I took a walk around the block. I told him that I really didn't want to do it anymore. I just want to stop doing chemo. I feel like its killing me and killing my spirit, and killing any future I may have. I told him that this wasn't worth "hoping" albeit that hope is an 85% chance, of being cured. I told him, that I am past it now, but these were the very real thoughts I had grappled with all day. Maybe I could/can cure myself in some alternative way.
Don't worry, this was just a passing thought. A passing thought that consumed all of yesterday but it passed. I am going to stick to the chemo guns and hopefully I will get through this. Hopefully my kidneys, my heart, my freakin' mind, my little veins, my blood, my liver, my stomach, hopefully we all get through this unmarked. But doing chemo is horrible. There is absolutely nothing nice or enjoyable about it. And I am not going to lie so that anyone feels okay reading this, or so that you don't feel uncomfortable. I am totally freaked out and feel horrible. When I run into people the past few days, that is what I say. I am not going to try to be anyone's chemo hero and act like its a breeze, because it isn't.
So, its 2:30ish in the morning, I can't sleep because I am full of anxiety and the anxiety woke me up. As I slept, I started thinking about Clinton's speech last night and our future as Americans. This lead to my future and before I knew it there was no way I could lay in bed any longer because I was full of butterfly's. The mind I used to have is long gone. I used to have great control over it but now its a wild caboose heading down a mountain. It gets off track so very easily and I understand more how my Nana used to wake up in the middle of the night worrying about us kids. My mind has developed into an entity all its own and the drugs I am on doesn't really help. I know, mediation would help and I probably should give it a try. But honestly, just doing a bit of yoga a day is huge for me. I don't want to quiet myself and relax into my body. I am so sickened and saddened by what I am doing to my poor body, that I don't want to get "closer" to these facts. I would like to just try to numb my way through this.
What if I am doing irreversible damage to myself? Is all this really worth it then? How many more years will I really get to live because I've done this chemo shit? These are questions that hang out in my mind and in my quiet bones that woke me this morning. I have to have faith in the chemo gods and hope that this is worth it. Otherwise I will talk myself out of doing it. What also helps me is remembering that little kids go through this and they make it, and so can I.
Don't worry, this was just a passing thought. A passing thought that consumed all of yesterday but it passed. I am going to stick to the chemo guns and hopefully I will get through this. Hopefully my kidneys, my heart, my freakin' mind, my little veins, my blood, my liver, my stomach, hopefully we all get through this unmarked. But doing chemo is horrible. There is absolutely nothing nice or enjoyable about it. And I am not going to lie so that anyone feels okay reading this, or so that you don't feel uncomfortable. I am totally freaked out and feel horrible. When I run into people the past few days, that is what I say. I am not going to try to be anyone's chemo hero and act like its a breeze, because it isn't.
So, its 2:30ish in the morning, I can't sleep because I am full of anxiety and the anxiety woke me up. As I slept, I started thinking about Clinton's speech last night and our future as Americans. This lead to my future and before I knew it there was no way I could lay in bed any longer because I was full of butterfly's. The mind I used to have is long gone. I used to have great control over it but now its a wild caboose heading down a mountain. It gets off track so very easily and I understand more how my Nana used to wake up in the middle of the night worrying about us kids. My mind has developed into an entity all its own and the drugs I am on doesn't really help. I know, mediation would help and I probably should give it a try. But honestly, just doing a bit of yoga a day is huge for me. I don't want to quiet myself and relax into my body. I am so sickened and saddened by what I am doing to my poor body, that I don't want to get "closer" to these facts. I would like to just try to numb my way through this.
What if I am doing irreversible damage to myself? Is all this really worth it then? How many more years will I really get to live because I've done this chemo shit? These are questions that hang out in my mind and in my quiet bones that woke me this morning. I have to have faith in the chemo gods and hope that this is worth it. Otherwise I will talk myself out of doing it. What also helps me is remembering that little kids go through this and they make it, and so can I.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
A better day
Today has been up and down with me simply not feeling good and being really tired. There is a huge part of me that is scared of doing this chemo and I am really upset about it. This is something that I just have to set aside and not dwell on because it doesn't help anything at all. But I am scared of it. I am scared that the drugs are ruining my body somehow and taking years off of my life. I feel sad that I am so young and so healthy and that I have to face this. I feel pretty devastated by it. I just want a normal life, and this is hard to set aside when I am out in public. When I am at home, I can just fall asleep and spend my waking hours watching TV, as today and the past week are not days that are full of energy and excitement. I can't believe that its August and summer of 2008 has gone by and I spent the summer dealing with this. The scary part is that I still have months and months of dealing with this.
When my Dad was here, I had a short five minutes of a pitty party with him. He didn't let me stay in it longer than a few minutes and this post and those feelings I am setting aside are reminiscent of that party. This sucks and I am bummed. My stomach doesn't feel good today and I am exhausted. I am pretty sad lately, and there is nothing around that. Its just a simple fact.
When my Dad was here, I had a short five minutes of a pitty party with him. He didn't let me stay in it longer than a few minutes and this post and those feelings I am setting aside are reminiscent of that party. This sucks and I am bummed. My stomach doesn't feel good today and I am exhausted. I am pretty sad lately, and there is nothing around that. Its just a simple fact.
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