Saturday, April 25, 2009

Up and in a panic

Today, I realized that I am dealing with the steroids a bit better. I think its because I made peace with them, and peace with taking them. Maybe? I tried going to sleep without a pill tonight, and can't. I slept for a few hours, but my dreams are horrible and full of panic ridden events, so I just took a pill and decided to get out of bed until it kicks in. No reason to lay there thinking about the worlds problems.
I have enjoyed the past few days of being done with my treatments. Immensly. Body stuff that is still going on is the tightness in my chest. Not sure if its lungs or heart, or both. The burn/feel tight when I take in a deep breath and I wouldn't be surprised if I had another attack. I saw my Vedic Astrologer today, Dennis Flaherty. He is truely one of the most insightful people I have ever met. Dead on. Last March, before I found the lump he told me that come the beginning of June my life would come to a screaching halt. I didn't know what he meant, and I surely didn't think it would in such a drastic way. But true to his words, just like always, I was diagnosed June 2. He said he wasn't worried at all, and that my period would come back. I will have kids of my own. Just in a few years. He said until November I have heavy eclipses in something, I can't remember, so health stuff may still be an issue until then. I need to go back and listen to the CD, but he said lots of great things to me. I like to see him once a year and get my tune up. I wish I had listened to him more over the past few years. Everything, and I mean everything he has ever said to me has been right on. In the moment, I didn't want to hear some of the stuff he was saying. Too bad. But lessons learned, I guess.
Time is approaching for my friend Ang and my house sit on Vashon. I just commited to a month long one 10 June-15 July out on Vashon as well. D is always saying how he'd like it if we lived in seperate houses, and if he had a freer marriage, so here we go. For me, I am taking it so that I can use it for restorative time for myself after all this hard stuff I've gone through. I am very much looking for joining back to the old self with the new self. I just can't wait to have that extra personal power once they are united. So very grateful still for all that I have gone through. This summer will be very reflective, and full of gardening. Even though I will be on Vashon I will need to come to my house in West Seattle a lot since I've gone a little over board with the garden. I just can't help myself. So far, and that is the word here, so far, as I do intend to get cuc's, carrots, beans, broccoli, basil, cilantro, tomatoes, and potatoes in still. But so far I have, parsley, chives, red kale, dinosaur kale, peas, violets (I love eating edible flowers in my salads), calendula (again for salads), all kinds of salad greens, spinach, fennel, and cauliflower, oh! and bok choy and nastursiums (for salads again). I can't wait. I am so excited.
I get to have a summer this year. I am not going to miss out on it at ALL! Phew, last summer. Well, I can't bring myself to start reading all that I went through yet, but that sucked. I am exhausted and the pill is kicking in so I am out of here.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Battle Won and Done!

I've pretty much been bawling every since I got on the table this morning for my last and final radiation appointment. I am allowing myself to take it easy today. I recognize that if I start doing stuff, that I will miss the opportunity to be present in the celebration and process of feeling all my emotions of being done. I am going to let myself drink tea, sit on the coach, read my book, talk to friends and family, and write. Tonight I have one massage to do, and that's it. I bought myself a bouquet of flowers to celebrate my accomplishment.
When I was walking out to my car, I surprisingly had flash backs of all that I went through. I saw myself in the genetic counselos office, I felt D with me through all that I went through, I just had vision after vision, the fertility docs, the shots, and the one that I keep coming back to is this one. Me with long hair, in my favorite brown blazer with pink roses on the back, walking and knowing in my body my grace, my self-assured self, my beauty, my non-touchable strength, the part of me that was young and untouchable, the girl that could do anything she wanted and truly believed it, the sexy girl, holding hands with my husband as we walked in on a weekend morning to see my Oncologist for the first time. Before I knew much of anything about my cancer, just that I had it. That's why I took that last photo of Swedish Cancer Institute. It reminded me of that.
I am not that girl anymore. I am not. But I am. Oh, god. Its been rough. I cannot believe what I have gone through. I cannot believe I made it. I just cannot believe it. Phew, she says with tears streaming down my face. I think I am going to cancel that massage tonight. I deserve to not work tonight, and celebrate.
I will probably come back here a few more times today and write more. I will say that when I was done and I got in the car, I called my sister and just cried. She was so happy for me, and I was so sad. It is a strange kind of celebrating that I feel like I am supposed to do. It is kind of like going to a funeral and finishing a race at the same time. I am not sure about the funeral part right now. I just feel it. There is a mourning that I feel deep down, in my stomach. And the celebration is higher in my body, in my chest. I look at my red little breast and just stroke it and say poor you. I see pictures of myself on my computer and I stroke her and say, poor little girl.
Well, I am done. FInally. I am thrilled. I am starting to plan my 1 year survivor party. I was diagnosed June 2, 2008. Since they count your years of survivorship from the date you were diagnosed, I am having a party. You will all be invited. I need to get the paperwork in to the city, as its going to be held down at Lincoln Park in West Seattle. Down on the beach. I am excited. That will be a great day. To see all my friends and family that have supported me and helped me get through this. Thank you all for all your emails and comments that have helped give me strength to get through this.


I talk to my sister at least 2 X's a day, sometimes more. And today is one of those days. We keep calling each other and reminding each other of things we both went through during this cancer hell ride/journey.
I was talking to her about the "funeral" feeling and I think I might have a better grasp as to why I have this feeling. I kind of feel like a kid that is on one of those horrific child leashes and is walking around Willy Wonkas Chocolate paradise.
What I mean is is that I still haven't gotten the "Your all clear" from Kaplan my Oncologist yet. So, I am hesitant to scream hippie!! Or what I mean to say is HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE !!!!!!!!!!"
Yes, I am thrilled that I am done, and overwhelmed with this fact. But am I for sure? So, yes..there will be a day when I feel even more relaxed into the idea of being cancer free and really done. I cancelled my massage that I was supposed to do tonight and we are going out to my favorite restaurant Zoe in Seattle. I deserve and D deserves it. I might write again later today. And add on here. ***

I have been reading my book, drinking lots of tea, crying off and on, and I just spent a few hours in the garden. My head feels clearer. What writing and gardening can do for the soul! I made an appointment with my Onc for next Tuesday so I can talk to him about these blood tests that I need to start. I want to hear my blood cancer counts...

Battle All done, photos!!

Click on the photos and it will pop up big so you can read my captions.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Teenage Love

I finally gave in and started reading the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. Life has come to a halt, and I can do nothing but read them. I feel like a teenager in Love again. Teen angst. I love it. I am devouring it. And I find myself walking around the house to D, saying "Bloodsuckers, come and make me immortal!!" Oh, I want to be bitten and live the life of a vampire too! I love the books so much, to my utter surprise, that I could wear a Twilight, bloodsucker wanna be T-shirt even. Its a hysterical, escape.

I am feeling much better today. I honestly for a few days there was an emotional wreck. Absolutely overwhelmed. I think my body is trying really hard to bleed right now, and the hormones are running rampant! The hot flashes have diminished and well..maybe its just be hoping? Who knows?? But I think I might be on to something.

Anyhoo, I am feeling "normal" again, and do not have tears streaming down my face. Not that I was uncontrollable, and crying out in public like I was a few months ago. I was just uncontrollable in my home. I only have two more radiations left. Going through the motions and then..wowzers! What to do? How to feel? What to think? What to say? How to feel? The whole thing. I am looking forward to a house sitting gig that starts the same day on the 29th of this month that my dear friend Angela is flying in. She'll be here for almost a week, and I am really excited to see her. Its perfect timing!!

Vashon, good friend, girl time, healing time, massage trades all day (she's a massage therapist too-well, she's almost done w/ accupuncture school as well), good food, talking, hand holding, walks, walks on the beach, dancing, what else is there she said! Its so true. Can't wait!!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Where am I?

I feel lost, but I also feel like I know right where "Heather" is. Sortof.
Since Thursday I have been at the AMTA WA ST massage convention. I've been learning lots of new modalities and refreshing on others, like TMJ and Intra Oral work. Lots of fun. Sortof.
All the learning is great. But what I notice when I am around complete strangers is my anger. Not that I am angry with anyone, or that I am acting on it. And I am not sure how much of it is the steroids and how much of it is from everything else. And its not gushing out of me by any means. And maybe its not "anger" as it is sadness. I am overwhelmed. I feel like I've been about to get my period since I lost it. So a dam of emotions. I think its the steroids.

I know what I need to start doing. I need to start doing less, and start doing more self care. I need to start doing yoga, I need to start walking again, hopefully start running again. I need to read more. Just have calming time. Garden. Walks with D. I think I have projected a lot of this sadness/anger onto him and us, and the grief just adds up. I think its time to start grieving. When I hear my therapist say, "You've been dealing with a life threatening disease." It validates what I've gone through. I hear her. But to "do" and "get through" what I have, I wasn't able to really look at it like that. I just got through. Will be done on Wednesday. All finished.

Its time to start having fun again. D and I both really need to start having fun. I don't know if either of us know how to do that anymore. Its been a really tough journey. And its so emotional to be at the end of it. Like..Okay, I am all done. That was a trip, uh? What now? Well, work. I get to start working again. I get to start having my body back again. When is it that I get that port-a-cath removed? Not sure?

I have tears streaming down my face, and frankly I just feel overwhelmed, exhausted, bare, stripped down, raw, hurt, but all at the same time, over joyed, hopeful, exuberant, still.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Art and Science

Yesterday, was the long awaited to my Cardiologist day. Frankly, I am scared, in pain, dosed up on steroids, and not feeling that confident with everyone shooting in the dark at what's going on with me. My cardio said yesterday, "Well, this is where art and science come together." Oh, great! Basically, he doesn't know what is going on with me, and he is not in favor of me being on the Cohlchine for a year. He instead is saying that he doesn't know what is going to do the "trick" of getting the inflammation away from my lungs and heart. He also doesn't know if its my heart at all, but since I am in pain when I breath in it is probably both. But no way to know for sure.
So, He has me on predisone 20 MG a day, 1 small dose of Cohichine, 1200 MG of IBprofren, and to protect my stomach prilosec. I am to do this for 28 days, one month. Then, after that if I am not in pain anymore, he'll start to taper my steroid.
I am feeling scared, I am feeling bummed out that no one seems to know how to treat this. And really, even if there was a cardiologist that specialized in cancer, and its side effects, there is no one method of treating what is happening. If there was, everyone wouldn't be saying different things.
I put a call into my Onc today, and want to share with him my feelings. Since he is the cancer specialist, I want to hear what he thinks. Should I seek out another Cardiologist, or just stick with this plan and see what happens. I am really really tired today. Monday night, or Tuesday morning more like it, I woke up at 2:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. I didn't want to take a sleeping pill. So, last night, I had to because I was wide awake, and had been up for 20 hours. Now, today, I am exhausted and not "manickie" at all. I just drank a cup of coffee to wake me up a bit. I want to go mow the lawn. There is only so much laying around I can do today.
I saw my Oncology therapist this morning. She sure is a helpful piece of the puzzle. She admitted to me that last time I saw her, she was very worried about me, so she called my Onc and talked to him. I think I am better. Last time I saw her I was on more steroids than I am now. I really don't want to go on a "downer" pill to counteract the steroids. Its just too much "medicine". I am just trying to be gentle with myself. Things that normally would get me annoyed really piss me off and I just have to stop myself and try to not make things bigger than they are. Which is incredibly difficult. I find myself telling people, that I am sorry if I am intense right now, just because i am on steroids.
At least I am not hearing voices.....which steroids have been known to do to me in the past. If only the doc's knew how all these medicines they give you would, how they will effect you ahead of time, so that you are warned. But every body chemistry is different. And honestly, my chemistry has changed from last time I was on these steroids, and I am having different side effects anyways.
UG!!! Well, good news. I only have 6 more rads left. My skin is totally awesome and I am not in any pain at all. I am very thankful for that. Well...I'm off. I am going to go mow and edge the lawn. Does anyone want me to come clean your house at 2 AM??? I'm taking orders.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Snow again??

I can't believe it, but it is supposed to snow in Seattle again tomorrow. I called my sis and told her she cannot come now. I have been too worried about her, and I just can't handle the idea of her driving over the pass through snow to see me. Its not worth it. She can come in a few weeks.

My lungs and heart are still hurting, a little. I am totally annoyed. That pill Colihchine (or however you spell it) is obviously not doing the trick. I can definetly feel the affects of the predisone (the steroid) it takes away the pain. I am going to see my cardiologist tomorrow, and I wonder if he'll take me off that pill!

Saturday, April 11, 2009


Thursday came and I was feeling awesome. Dreaming of starting to run again, heck even just take a walk on Monday. I was going to give myself through the weekend. My Onc. asked me how I was and I was awesome. I was. I'm taking all the med's they want me to. So, he reduced my steroids to 10 mg. in morning and 5 at night. Well, by mid-morning my chest and left lung were starting to hurt/burn/hard to describe. I waited unitl 3 and then called ask it was just getting worse. Like a 1 on a scale from 1-10 but still. It was starting to hurt. He brought my dose higher than it had been up to 20 in the morning and 10 at night. I did that last night, and felt great. And so I wasn't going to take that additional 10, but as the night went on the pain came back.
This morning, I took the 20, and I am in pain right now. My chest kind of feels like when you have been coughing and coughing and coughing. I am annoyed and bummed out. I am coming to grips that I think there is something going wrong. I think they are missing something. I see my cardiologist finally on Monday, and will have to talk to him about this.
I have been thinking the past few days how crazy our bodies are. How incredibly strong they are and how they can handle so much. I feel a little like..mmm..like maybe I was being foolish with myself. Next time I start having pain, I am going to call (I guess I am right now) him right away and not wait until I can't breath. So, I guess I did. I guess I learned my lesson.

I am bummed out and hoping that this heals. I really, really want to go back to my old life...With all this new wonderful life experience.

Did I mention to you lately, how thankful and blessed I feel that I have gone through this experience?? I am!!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Sis is coming

YIIIIIPPPPPPEEEEEE!!!!! I talked Wendy, my sister into coming up on Monday and Tuesday. Because of the steroids, I cannot control my mind starting to panic, so I told her to drive 60 MPH in the slow lane, as she has a baby on board and I feel super protective of my unborn Nephew. Yep! Thats what she is having. Dude, if you're reading this, please don't call him Collin! Its a nerd name! Okay, I know that was horrible for me to say, and please, everyone...resist commenting that that is not a nerd name, and no I am not a horrible person for thinking that. I just see pocket pens and a stuffy shirt when I think "Collin". But, dude, if you must. I will think of some cute nickname regardless of what you call him. LIke Tiger!
So, I am crying right now because I am so excited to sleep next to my little prego sister. Its going to be great. To hold hands. And to wake her up and annoy her. Oh! I can't wait!
But drive safe!
Today was my 23rd rad. My skin is holding up remarkably, and I am not in any discomfort at all. I am really really tired today, and I've drank one cup of black tea, and now two cups of coffee and am starting to feel up again.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

A List

I feel like I need to make a list of all the things that are going on with my mind, body, soul, life, and whatever else. May not make sense, will not be in order, may be a list, may be a long run on sentence. Its a free for all....

blessed, not in pain, 21 down so far, after today 22 down, just a little red, blessed again, thank god something has been easy for me so far, not tired at all because of the steroids I am on, took a sleeping pill last night, try not to, but sleep is one horrible dream and can't get to acutal sleep due to the steroids, drink lots of water throughout the night, thirsty lots of the time, want to drink water all day long because its my only way of cleaning out my body, I wish I could do my yearly spring cleanse, docs and cancer ND won't let me, icky toxins deep in my skin, am thankful for the icky toxins in my skin, kill the cancer, scared, what if it comes back, what if its just hiding, what ifs, shut them down and out, keep focused on the present moment, breath, what will be will be, worrying about it won't change a thing except I will not enjoy my time right now, its windy and a bird is chirping, chest hurts a little still, kind of painful and tight, hair is getting longer, and my eyelashes and eyebrows are coming back, can just stand at the mirror and gaze at my face, I sitll look so different, so puffy, it hurts when D just says how different I look and doesn't say that I am beautiful, but he doesn't neeed to lie so he just doesn't say it, so much needing I am over it, to be over it you have to shut down, not a good place to be, open back up, get love from somewhere else, open heather, open, trust. my little sister is pregnant and I haven't gotten to see her in months. She just got her first nursing job and so she's working a lot, might meet in Portland, I am incredibly jealous of her and her life, all I want is to be pregnant and be a mom, one simple simple lifes purpose, thats it, I can eat rice and beans and raise my kids on nothing, but there was a different plan for me, at least right now, I am willing to adopt and raise a child on my own because I want to be a mom so much, I can't think of a higher honour on this planet than to raise and then watch a child turn and love a family of his/her own, I am going to start attending a tibetean buddism meditation here in seattle, I need it.
Hot flashes are still holding firmly on my life, last night when I was giving my last massage of the day my stomach felt warm and it felt like an egg was dropping, like the good ol' days. I imagined myself starting to bleed, I welcomed it,a nd thought I would not be embarressed in the slightest if I had to stop the massage for that and that I'd probably start crying, but didn't happen. Not that it won't, I have no idea. Please body, return to normal.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Spring Strawberries

I feel so good and incredible today, I could scream. When I was a little kid growing up on the Oregon Coast, we didn't get to the city very much. I still remember one day, in our gigantically long and wide white pontiac as we were heading on the 26 into the city, my Mom stuck her head out the window and screamed, "I love you, Portland!!" Well, today, I feel that. I want to say, " Hello, Life. I love you!!"
I am eating strawberries, that are huge and delicious. I am still very emotional and this exuberance makes me want to cry. I have done a little gardening today, and tonight I am giving a massage. Its a good day.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Emotional Day

I had an incredible day today. The past few days my heart and soul have been touched deeply by the sun. I know, in the Pacific Northwest the sun doesn't come out very much. But on days like today and yesterday, I just can hardly keep a smile off my face. It is quite a different feeling I must say then in the past though. The sun has really touched my soul with HOPE the past few days. Strange and very unique, I must say. Kind of like the tree frog I managed to grab yesterday when I was walking around Fischer Pond on Vashon Island. The whole time I've been going through this hell ride, I just kept visualizing the end of it, would be the same time that the frogs would start their singing. And so yesterday, it was perfect that I saw one and let his little wet body touch me and my heart. The Frog has been a totem for me on this journey.
I had a wonderful day today. I had my 21st radiation appointment at my usual time of 8:15. I have become friends with all the folks in the waiting room with me. One gentlemans last day was today. His wife brought these delicious cookies, and I said what the heck, its 8:15 AM, why not! I congratulated him. And stood to shake his hand, but suddenly it was not enough and what he had gone through, what I had gone through, we embraced. I almost cried.
I went on my way, onto Vashon Island to give a massage. Doing massage is very good for me right now. With the steroid induced mania, massage forces me to focus all that energy and quiet myself down.
THen I went to see my Onc. When I was waiting for my blood work to be called, I saw a young couple, late 20's. The girl didn't have any hair, was in incredible shape, and was super sad. I started talking to her, asked her her age. Only 26, Hodkins. We just looked into each others eyes, after swapping our stories, not going into the roughness, but just acknowleging how rough its been. And she and I just simply cried. I cried for her. She still had 4 chemo's left, and I felt so bad for her. I gave her my number, and I hope that she calls me. Her name was Alanna.
I saw my Onc, and he told me that he couldn't take me off the steroids unless I took that pill, Colihcine. So, I started crying more. And told him I didn't want to go on it, and that I didn't want to go on it for a year, and that I was afraid I'd have to be on it for the rest of my life, and he hugged me. Looked me in the eye, and said would you take it please. So, yes. I took it today. It makes me really, really sad that I am taking this pill now. I wish I could just be done in a few weeks, and not have any lingering side effects. I am crying right now. I just want my body back. I just want Heather back. I miss her, deeply. I miss my joy. I miss my laughter. I miss her. I do.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Breathing into my skin

I am again, sitting here on the couch. I've been turning the heat off in the house while we sleep so that its cold. I think D is okay with that. No grumbles, haha. So, I'm sitting here as the house warms up with my fuzzy robe and blanket, and feeling like I am going to crawl out of my skin. I feel like I did some horrible horrible thing to someone in my stomach, or that I have a huge speech to give in 30 seconds, or something horrible. I checked in with myself, and thought, maybe its just that its time to take my steroid again. But then I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and focused on my heart, and I breathed into it. Did it a few more times, filling my heart with love for myself. And phew, I feel much better. Sortof..

I had a jam packed day yesterday. D drilled my wine barrels and I planted cauliflower, dinosaur kale, red kale, spinach, and lots and lots of different salad greens. It felt so good to be in the dirt, albeit just ittzy bitzy wine barrels. My friend Molly gave me a bunch of bulbs and I also went around the place setting them in the ground in three's. I can't wait to see them pop up.

My open house cancelled on my late last night, so I just a few buyers to go out with this morning, and then..blue skies so far. Maybe I'll put those roller blades on and go for a spin.

Friday, April 3, 2009

The taper begins

I was just sitting here on the coach, drinking my favorite black tea of the moment, Earl Grey, and was thinking, "What to write?" Its always more like, "Where to start?" Which the word start flashed across my damn eyes, and remembered, reluctantly that I have to start taking that anti-inflammatory pill for a year. Today. April, 3, 2009. You know what, I'm not going to do it. Fuck it. What if I take it for a year, and then stop, and then suddenly have another attack of it. Does that mean I will have to be on it forever. I don't want to be on a pill forever.
So, maybe if I don't take it today, or tomorrow,and have my Onc call me today, well..and I need to see my actual cardio, since I have not even seen him yet. I feel like a kid, scheming up a plan down a hidden and usused alley way, rubbing his (yes, I'd have to be a little boy for this kind of behaviour) hands together snickering of a fantastically absurd plan.

But, maybe its not absurd. So, since I haven't seen my actual cardio yet, I will. No rush to start taking a medicine.

Phew~ That was a close call. I almost just forced myself to go into the kitchen and ruin a perfect cup of tea with a memory of taking a pill.

Last night I took a 10mg of Predisone, instead of the 20mg. I'll see my Onc again on Monday, and will taper me if my lungs look good again. My chest X-Ray still showed fluid in there, but not that much.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Okay, Okay, O-KKK--AAA-YYYY

Okay, already. I'll go on the medicine, Colichine (spelling may be wrong) for a year. Every freakin' day. After I go kick and screaming. Isn't there a food that I can take to take away the inflammation? Sure, there is. But really, I need to not mess around with this. What just happened to me was really really not good for me. Its taken me a week to get my sails up. Albeit, steroid induced insanity. For some reason, this time my side-effects are TOTALLY different. I am super manic, intense (more than usual~watch out), and aggressive. My sister joked around "Roid rage".
So....Dr. K asked me if I wanted to go on anything to help relax me. When he started explaining what the med's were for, I said, "stop. No thanks." I'll try meditating and doing yoga each day instead. I'm slowly getting tapered off the steroids, so here we go. If I don't go on this colichine, than I have to stay on predisone. So, we'll give it a try and cross my fingers that I don't have another attack.
As far as exercise, I can start today. I misunderstood my Onc in the hospital. He thinks the exercise just exhasberated the inflammation and was NOT, NOT the cause of my recent attack. He agrees that I would've had it regardless.
Good news..I've lost 6 pounds in 4 days. Lots of water weight. I feel the best I've felt in a while. Well, in a way. Other ways, I feel a little jittery, and excessively hyper.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I figured it out

Phew! These steroids are making me hungry this time. Bizarre! Last time I was on Predisone they didn't make me hungry at all. I didn't sleep well without a pill, but I didn't wake up starving. I am not letting myself eat out of ordinary times right now. So I am just sitting with the hunger. I am sick of being heavy. Over it. Totally.
As a watchful young woman, I have witnessed all these beautiful women in my life get old. Or I have met them once they are old, and lamenting on the "good old days, of being "hot" I understand, more than ever know. But I understood before cancer. Vanity, and pride are huge ego boosters. And so not what is real, nor what matters. Before cancer, I understood this, I did, and so I always had a little less patience for it. Hearing all these grown women gawk at their arms, their wrinkles, their thighs, their whatever wasn't up to their par. As a young woman looking at these women, and hearing them, I always do and have seen their power that comes with those changes, and personally felt their beauty deeper than the peripheral they were grieving the loss of.
Basically, I wanted to say to them, " Get over it. Its not what lifes about. Love yourself, accept yourself."
I think one of the hardest parts of being a woman in America/Canada/Europe, wherever, is that we have a lack of ritual to guide us through our losses and our rites of passages. We have long ago let that go, and I think it makes it harder for, in this case, a woman to "change".
I've changed. I took down the pictures of myself two days ago. Pictures of my once beautiful, long hair, in various shades. The joy I had kills me to look at now. I am joyful, no one, not even cancer can take that away from me. I was born spastic for life, not crawling, but got up and ran at 7 months. I'm still there. But there is (oh, i'm starving, I might have to eat) no point making and pointing out to myself daily, constantly throughout the day, of the old carefree that I so long to reunite with. Those pictures of her, of me, have been helpful up to this point. And now that I am nearing the end of my battle, I don't want to see them. So I put all the pics away, all the wedding photos. Can't stand to look at them. I hope D and I make it through this. But honestly, its been incredibly hard. Words cannot express how hard. I just feel very thankful I have had him to go through this with me. To get me water when I couldn't move, to get me meds, to care for me the best he could.
Its easy to want and expect someone to love you the way you would to them. But that is not truely loving someone. I believe. I believe it is loving the person for who they are and accepting what it is they are able to give to you. At times like these, and in life, though I never could imagine it, and now I do, this is how people can grow apart. The giving, the needing, in my case, changed. It grew to an intensity, that no one wishes for. But I needed to need, and I deserved to need, and it was and is all encompassing. Its a beautiful thing to grow.
Back to me changing. Body stuff. So, its hard. The wise young woman has to say to the "chemopausal" "menopausal" 34, how fucked up is that? that its okay I have lots and lots of gray hair coming in, where before cancer I had blond/brown hair. Its okay, that I am swollen and huge. Its okay. Yesterday, since I just sold a house, I went and bought myself a new outfit, that fits. The super-sized Heather pants no longer fit, yeah! And the 1st time out of hospital pants I bought don't fit, they're too tight right now. Wearing pants that don't fit, sucks. I have never had to deal with this, and I realized waiting to fit in to the smaller ones was ridiculous and a form of not accepting myself and loving myself. I was in costant torture, or I was constantly walking around with super baggy pants. Ick!
Those are the two ways I decided to love myself more this week. Take down the old pictures that were torturing me, and get a pair of pants that fit.
Two last thoughts. One is that I spelled the therapists name wrong, for those of you that googled her. It is Janet Abrams.
And the last, is that maybe my left eye (its getting better, by the way) want to be weepy because it is reminding me to cry more often.