Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Oncology Therapy

I have found a wonderful mental health, talky-talky therapist here in Seattle. Her name is Janet Abrams and she is wonderful. I have seen therapists off and on since I was a little girl, and I feel so blessed to have found her. When my mom first had her stroke, I went to see my first specialized therapist for Grief and he was mind-blowingly perfect for me. I learned a lot. The main lesson, and I know this is a deviated (steroids and all the energy and mind-altering deviations they give me) but the main lesson he taught me was that when I was with my mom, it wasn't about me. It wasn't about me needing to and trying to convey, fix, or repair anything. That work could be done in therapy, but what I needed to do was just be present with her and in the present. You know what I am saying? Am I saying this correctly. My mom deserved to have her kids usher her into the otherworld, and to allow her, her sacred rites of passage, of passing. Not me crying over all the hurtful stuff, things unsaid, but just loving. Being in the Love.
So, this grief therapists is sortof like Janet in that they specialize. I like specialists is what I am discovering through all this. My Grandad told me once, get really good at one thing, Heather.
I saw Janet a few weeks ago, and I wasn't on steroids. Today I walked in there, and it was very centering, healing, and opening to be me to see ME. She validated me. She understood how traumatic of a week I just had. Not that she has gone through it, but she has made Cancer, her lifes work. One thing that is really hard going through this is that no one truly "gets" what or where I am at. Or what I have/will/had had to go through. D surely doesn't get it. Which I get. I learned from my mom's passing, that until you lose a parent, it is very hard to be in a place of understanding. But of coarse, there is just being a simple caring soul who is there for someone.
And I get that. Lots of you, lots of the girls on the Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundation site, friends, family, and my Keller Williams family are there for me. All asking me how I am doing. But unless you've gone through this you don't get it. So, I just cry. There is so much loneliness at a time when life is so full and feeling all that life is about. Such a contradictory journey.
Janet helped lead me to an understanding that I am different on the med's. I am pretty manic really. That was this morning a few hours after I took my med's. Now I am exhausted, barely able to keep my eyes open, on the coach, and will take them again tonight at 9.
At the base of all the "manic-ness" and all the anger, and all the crap, there sits sadness. Just blue, deep, dark, ocean blue with the foggiest, unknowns following it. Hovering over the sea with the heaviest rain falling. Just sad. There are a lot of tears to come. To heal. To come full circle again. I only have 16 radiation appointments left. And then, I can enter this place. Safely. The unknowns of life and my imminent time of departing this world can once again become part of a future time that won't be on my shoulder, cawing and scratching at my every move.

Monday, March 30, 2009


Utterly exhausted
Every inch, every breath

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Well, I'm leaving the hospital in a few minutes

I'm leaving, and I am still on a high dose of Predisone. Not the 120 MG every 6 hours (I thought it was 8, but it was every 6) down to 20 mg twice a day. I have symptoms slowly trickling back. But I've noticed they start to get worse a few hours before my next dose of predisone and then they get a bit better. Nothing alarming, just I am noticing.

So they are:

tightness in left to center of chest
pain level 1-2 with deep inhalation, not shallow breaths.
shortness in breath while standing and if I also walk ( I find myself kind of panting when I talk, only while standing, not sitting)

And one long continuous pain in the butt, hot like a las vegas sand between the toes, HOT FLASH!! Phewie!!!!!! Get me some water. Cold water. Hahaha

I am over the gross food here, and ready to go home and eat Quinoa and greens.

A few funny things. The hand soap in the bathrooms, while I was doing chemo is the same disgusting stuff in the rooms here. So, I don't wash my hands with that and use the Purell, ( i never used that during chemo). Ickk..just a whiff of that stuff makes me gag! I was desperate and lost my mind last night and wanted to wash my tank top. I get really grossed out and super clean freaky while I stay in the hospital. Germs everywhere. So, I washed my tank top with that disgusting soap, and now I don't have a shirt to wear under my sweat shirt home. Luckily, I washed my hair with a bar of soap, and I haven't gotten a whiff of something that pleasant in a long while. So, I re-washed my tank and have it blowing dry with my hot-flash helping friend THE FAN. Its almost dry.

I am so ready to go home. I am bored. So, who's right? Do I not exercise, or do I? Does anyone really know? NO, they don't. Well....here I go. I am going to take it slow, as I do get short of breath again pretty darn quick. Maybe I'll just have a big summer of gardening. And taking walks. And start running, in August?

Saturday, March 28, 2009

white, grey, or black

In a world where there are definitive ways of acting, speaking, spelling, being, thinking, ect., ect.. there are basic ways and answers. Customs. There is always an answer. And it is my job to find the answer. There is something not right with my body, and the fact that the on-call Cardiologist and my Oncologist have totally differing plans of action, and reasons of why and what has/is/ and possibly will happen to me are totally, couldn't be the farthest from one another.
If I was not born a fighter, a seeker, I might want to crumple up in a pool on the beach somewhere, or climb into a cave. But what happens to me is my spirit stands really tall, and I want to scream like a really loud lumber jack that I am not going to fall down to this disease, I am not going to fall down to all these side effects. Before cancer I was an extremely healthy young woman and I am going to go back to that standard of health. I will not take a med for an entire year that they have absolutely no idea why it works, but that it does, and cross our fingers that does the trick. And I am not going to take a med for that long that they do not know why I have this pericarditis, pleural effusion, inflammation, whatever they want to call it.
I want to agree with my Onc. but there are parts of what the cardio said resonates as well.
What I do know, is that I am going in to see my Onc armed with questions on Thursday. I want to see other specialists, I want them to see me, and read my histories, and all together we can figure this out together. Not anyone of them is a God, and I cannot get upset that they are trying in the specialty fields to figure this out, its all a puzzle. I am just not going to sit around and get better, and watch my ankles and lower body swell again, and not have this fixed. I want to and deserve to go back to my resonate healthy brilliance. That is right. So, I am not going on that med blindly. If I do go on it, it will be because that is the obvious thing to do.
Folks, remember this. It is our responsibility to do the right thing for ourselves. No matter how sick we are, no matter how young we are, no matter what. Our bodies are exactly that. Our's. And noone knows our bodies better than ourselves. At what point do we put a blind fold over our eyes, and trust someone to walk us across a busy Interstate freeway? We never would. So why is it, that in medicine we feel the need to do just this. To put our hands and our lives in professionals doctors hands and stop making decisions. GGGRRRRR.....I am pissed. I am pissed and so sick of this stuff. Its all encompasing. It vibrates into every action in my life right now. I am sick of hearing other people that are sick not stand up for themselves and want to blame doc's for trying. I am sick of people not calling their fear what it is. It is a basic fear of not wanting to die. Or in my simple case, having heart problems in the years to come. But, its my job, mine alone, to seek out and find MY ANSWERS with the help of my doctors. Bless all of them. They are just trying. As I am.


Well, the Cardiologists thats on call, Dr. Olsen (he's partners with my cardio's) said that they are under the belief that this reoccurence is not caused by exercise and that it would have happened no matter what. That I should and can start exercising when I feel up to it! I don't need to slow down.
The thing is is that they don't know what's caused this reoccurence, but it happens. And honestly I've been having symptoms of pre-occurence for a while. Ankles swelling (he doesn't know regarding the heart how much this has to do with it, but I am not a swollen person, and I think it does correlate), when I lay on my sides I can't have D put his arm around me as it causes extra pressure, I've been short of breath kind of easy when I go up stairs, ect. So, what he has suggested is me going on a drug called Colchicine for a year.
Okay, so he doesn't know what is causing this, he doesn't know how the medicine works (its used for Gout) but it works, so he wants to put me on it, and for a year?? NO THANK YOU. I will see my Cardio, both of them, and then maybe another and then, if they all say it, then I will. I asked if he had a daughter and asked when his answer was yes, if he'd put her on it and he said yes, because I've had a reoccerence.

I am hesitant to go on anything for a long period of time. Like he said, any medicine is a poison of a type. Mmmmm....

Its funny, how when you get sick, each specialist sees and thinks of things in their unique form of medicine, and they all can give you different answers. I joked, is there a lymphologist that can tell me about my swelling? That is the most annoying part of this. I've been swollen for a long time. Each night taking off my socks and pants I have large and deep divits in my skin from the swelling. Its not normal. I need to start doing homework and seeing other specialist at this point! Any Seattlites know of some kick ass cardio's? Lymphologists?

2nd stay in hospital...

Click on the picture and then it will pop up big, so you can read my captions..

Teeth gritting breathing

I woke up Friday morning at 1:30 from a bad dream. And realized I couldn't breathe and that I was in scary pain. I tried to lay there for an hour and the pain only got worse and worse. I will back up that Thursday I popped my head into my Onc's office without notice right after my radiation appointment to tell him something terrible was wrong with me and I didn't want to wait until Friday to get the echho, like I had set up with my Cardio over the phone on Wednesday. I got a chest X-ray, and eccho cardio gram, and a CT scan of just the chest that day, (yeah, I din't have to drink the contrast this time because the didn't need to see my stomach guts, just my chest) and all these tests just showed a small to moderate level of water in the linings around lungs and heart. Nothing like last time and nothing to be causing me to feel with such severe pain.
Well I woke up D at 2:30 finally and said through gritting teeth and very very shallow breath I may need him to bring me to the emergency room. I stood up and walked out to try to watch TV, I was in severe pain, much much worse than last time. So, I remembered in the back of my head My Onc. saying that I can call him at home anytime of day or night, and so I did. For the first time, if this gives you any clue of how much pain and fear I was in. My heart hurt. It felt for days, but tonight 25% worse that my heart had a charlie horse in it. I was in so much pain that I couldn't be freaked out, but I was scared and I knew this when my Onc answered the phone.
In his groggy its 2:40ish voice, Hello. I said this is Heather Bakstad. And he said, hello kiddo. This made me start to cry. I said, I am in so much pain. I started to get tears but it hurt worse to cry so I stopped. I said something is terribly wrong. I through gritting teach and shallow talk and breath said, Doc I can't breath. I am in so much pain. What do I do?
He called the ER ahead, and D and on got dressed to go. I couldn't even bend over to put on my shoes as the pain in my chest was just exploding.
We got to the ER at 3 and did the run around with people that knew nothing of all the things that I've gone through. Luckily My Onc called ahead and spoke with the ER doc that was going to be dealing with me. We waited and waited, I did another CT scan but an angio one to look for clots. They had to give me less IV contrast because because I had just had one the day before. D left afterwards, he had guys showing up at your house to do some work and he needed to be there. And frankly, I was exhausted, he was exhausted, and I knew at this point I was getting admitted. And lord knows how long that would take.
So, he left I feel in and out of sleep. I started sleeping thanks to the pain med they gave me, Delotted. The first dose took the edge off but not the pain. So on an empty stomach I had another dose around 8. The problem was was that I do not do good on pain med's allergic to most. This one works and I needed it as teh pain was going up to between 7-8. 6 is tolerable. I called my onc at a 10.
So, I started puking and puking for hours. I puked and got a headache until 3 in the afternoon. Luckily the steroids started doing the work, or was it the delotted taking away the pain, not sure. But the pain in my chest is gone and I just spent the rest of the day healing from the pain meds. Ick.
The strange thing that happened is just before we left to come to the ER I took 3 advil, as this is what my cardio wanted me to do the past few days. Which never took even the edge off of the pain (down to an 8) I was experiencing. But this time, maybe because I was in such a new level of pain, it did. My the first hour past being in the ER, I was able to stop the teeth breathing and the shallow talk. I still couldn't take in normal breaths, but not scary, am I going to die breaths.
So more good news, now for sure I've done every test known to man, and I have no blood clots.
The cuplrit was the excercise.
Its been months, and my Onc an my Cariod's said it was okay to start my excersice regime. A few weeks ago I started walking a few miles, then I started with ittzy bitzy 5 lb weights lifting. Never making myself sore, just saying hello to the muscles again. And so, like the 3 of us agreed on, I could start running slowly. So I did. AND IM PRETTY INTUNE WITH MY BODY. It felt great, I stopped when I got out of breath, just like before cancer. You got to work yourself up into being able to exercise, it doesn't feel good to anyone when getting started.
So, I felt great, during, and afterwards. TUesday night came with a venegance, and its only gotten worse. Well, so if there isn't water in my linings that is causing this pain, and also, why this time is it hurting so much worse?
Its because of the lack of water to cushion, and my exercising made those organs, and linings, and such rub against one another and caused extreme inflammation. Because the initial diagnosis inflammation had not gone away, it tricked Me, it tricked My Onc, and it tricked my Cardio's. : (
SO, I am in the hosptial again. WIll leave Sunday monring if everything goes good. I am getting mega doses of predisone again, 140 mg every 8 hours. I had to take a sleeping pill and I got to sleep at least 5 hours last night.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Good and Bad News

First of all, I am going to say that my Onc told me and my Cardiologists told me it was totally fine to start exercising. Okay.
I ran Monday, ran Tuesday, and felt awesome, during and afterwards. Well, Tuesday night I woke up with a pain in my chest on the left side. Not just sort of pain, but excruciating pain. I couldn't sleep on either side because of this pain. The pain was/is totally different than lat time, in that its super painful. Last time, it gradually was painful. So, I woke up Wednesday didn't excercise and ended up calling my Onc in the late afternoon because I could hardly breathe. He wanted me to go to the ER and I wouldn't go. Last time it was such a horrible experience, in that you check in talk to a doc that has no idea whats actually going on, and its a run around. So, I didn't go. I called and spoke with my cardiologist twice in the evening and was assured that I was probably going to be fine.
I couldn't sleep well at all last night because the pain has only gotten worse. This morning after my rad, I got a chest X-ray and an Eccho again. The good news, my heart is awesome. The bad news, I have a moderate level of fluid in both my lungs again. I really don't think this is caused by me running, as if you remember a few weeks back I noticed the swelling came back in my ankles, which is a symptom of all this crap. I am over it!
I do not want to take predisone anymore. I am sick of steroids. I want to be get back to my slim and FIT body. I want to be pretty again. I am just so sick of the weight. Please don't write and say I will be soon enough, I know I will. I just am sick of it. SICK OF IT!! I was really excited to start exercising like a freak and get back into health.
I am not supposed to know any of this as I saw it on the Eccho, but am waiting to hear back from a DR who is allowed to tell me the info. I've had the eccho done enough now, that I can see fluid.

Monday, March 23, 2009

trickling back to life

Most of the time, I feel like I am back to "life". I have been pretty upset the past few weeks, emotionally. Not for any other reason that just coming to grips with the fact that I "got" breast cancer. I am trying to not dwell on the fact that my period hasn't returned yet, but this is upsetting. There are lots of things that are upsetting.
But there are a lot of things that are positive. For instance, morning, I had radiation #11, so only 22 left. I saw my eye doc again, and he said in surgery they found a bunch of little obstructions. My eye isn't tolerable yet to me, so we may have a few other options in a few weeks to discover. I am now eating vegetarian. My Onc says he doesn't care what I eat. My ND that focuses just on cancer says only red meat once a month. And most of the literature I read says that I need to not eat red meat, as it turns carcinogenic in the body. So. Diet is one of three things I can control.
#1 Diet
#2- Exercise

Which leads me to my other positive so far in the day, is that I started running again. I started lifting weights and walking last week. And today, I walked a 1/2 mile to the beach, ran I think 3/4 of a mile, and walked back up the hill doing lots of lunges to my home. I feel great.

and the
#3 is attitude. Of coarse. This one makes me angry because I had a really good attitude before cancer. I never dwelt on getting cancer or even thought of it. So this one pisses me off. LIke my attitude is going to keep cancer away. Well, who knows if it will or not. So, I am going to opt to try to get back to the attitude of not thinking about "getting" cancer again.

Last week I saw my first mental health Oncology Therapist. I basically cried the whole time I was in there. Literally. I am sure she clincally diagnosed me as "depressed". I think I might be. Or maybe I'm not. Maybe I am hormonal with lots of those changes, since I don't have my period. Or maybe its because I am overwhelmed with emotions because of what I have had to face in such a short period of time or maybe its because I had to face it at all.
I told my eye doctor today that I just want to be a normal 33 year old girl again. I really do. I want to bleed every month, I want to get hormonal achne again, I just want to not have my world be full of hot flashes, and doctor appointments. My friend Gen is in Eugene visiting her boyfriend for the next month and my sister lives there, and she's pregnant. I want to go visit them, but I can't because I have doctor appointments every freakin' day.
Did i mention how incredible my body feels right now? I just ate a delicious salad had some "Veggie Delight" on the side (look it up for those of you that don't know it) and my spirit feels pretty good right now.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


I keep having grand ideas and thoughts and I really do need to write about the past few days. But I am extremly exhausted right now and can't. I will soon. I'll leave you with a few words that explain how I feel right now:

Not enough time
Jam Packed
sleep deprived
Sleep through alarm

Monday, March 16, 2009

A little pink

Today's radiation marked the beginning of pink. I think it burned a little bit afterwards, but no big deal. I put on the Biafin and off I went. Life is incredibly hectic right now. I have a few realty deals going on, my massage practice, and just doing things again is a lot. My mind has caught up to the real world again, or should I say to this reality again. Where it has been was the real world as well. I am just glad to be done, or almost done with that world.
Tomorrow I am going to see an oncology therapist for the first time, I hope she is good. I have heard incredible things about her.
Life is weird now. I am 34, but have tons of those menopause things happening, and this morning I cried because I am so sad about it. It affects everything in my life right now.
I am overwhelmed and enjoying it.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

selling more houses

Getting back to work has been a whirlwind. Yesterday was my first day that was like the old days, before cancer. I woke up, for my painful time of 8:15 radiation appointment. As soon as I got on my robe, they called my name. It couldn't have been better. Then I got home and showed houses to a few buyers I have until noon. Then I got on the ferry and went out to Vashon to do a few massages. Then I got back on the ferry, and showed a house until 7, and then went to my office and wrote up a deal, and had them sign it and got home at 9. Phew..It felt good, but I was shaky and a bit of a wreck.

I will take it easy for a while now. I am really looking forward to today. I have a continuing ed. class for massage from 9-5. The great part of taking a con. ed. class for massage is that you get massaged all day long. You have to learn on each other. Darn that!! I am really really looking forward to the class. It is a side-lying paraspinals and shoulders...mmmm...The owner of my massage school, Brian Utting is teaching the coarse, so I am really excited to study with him again. Its been 14 years.

I have officially finished my first full week of radiation and I am doing FANTASTIC!!! My Dad bet me a lunch if this wasn't a breeze for me. I told him I wouldn't bet him, but he'd be winning right now if I had. I am haphazordly using the Biafin, whenever I think of it. I will probably need to become a bit more routine with it next week. It seems like everyone says that you start feeling "it" the 2nd week. I did, by the 2nd day start feeling tired. And in fact every day after that had to take a nap during the day. Except yesterday, I just drank lots of coffee.

Off to make oatmeal, with cherries, for my big rough day ahead. I just don't know if I'll be able to handle laying on the massage table and having an accomplished massage therapist learning a new technique on me. Wish me luck. Luck that my drool will only fall when nobody is looking.hahha

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Old people in robes

The waiting room for radiation makes me feel out of place, with the exception of one thing. I can look around and anyone in a robe, ask, " What kind of cancer do you have?" I have lots of emotions in there. One when I hear old people, like old.. Like super wrinkly and not able to update their own watches because they don't know how to or can't remember how to. So they come up to me and ask me to, when all I want to do is sit and think about myself and what I am doing to myself. It pisses me off that I am in there with a bunch of old people. None of them knowing how it is for me at my age to go through this. To them, who the hell knows. I don't know what its like for them, and I honestly do not have the patience, the humor, or the grace right now to try to understand what its like to get cancer and try to fight it when you just have years left.
The kind girl in me, and the adult woman in me knows that this anger isn't really angry at them. I am just angry, and pissed. So, I try to not talk to them. I am sure over the next 6 weeks this anger will pass. And I can see the truth that we are just people trying to live, trying to buy ourselves time. Me, probably more time then them.
Yesterday, I almost started to cry when I got on my robe and sat in the chair and waited to be called. It was just us ladies, and we all had gone through our various treatments. I being the newbie, didn't know any of them, but they all said hi to one another. You see, you go at the same time every week, so there begins to be a connection to the other people in robes. For a moment, this room reminded me of a women's sweat lodge. All the emotional baggage we can bring along with us in our daily lives, all our grief, all our saddness, all our joy, and share it with one another in chanting or song, or story. And this last one is what it felt like. We all had a story, a horrendous story, and we all shared a similar thread. I couldn't help but breath deeply as this experienced washed over me.
Touched so deeply, and finally around my kind.
I haven't cried on the radiation table the past few days. Once they position me, so that my tattoos line up with the red laser beams, the treatment itself is just about four minutes. Tops. My skin is still doing great, three treatments down, only thirty left. As my best friend Gen said today, you're an eleventh of the way done! I loved her optimism. I am using a topical treatment called Biafin. Not sure what if anything it is doing but I am using it.
I am starving right now. I have a quick eye surgery at 2:30 today, and since I am going to see an athenthsiologist, I haven't been able to eat since 6 AM. I am really hoping this does the trick. Yesterday, I gardened outside and the cold just makes my left eye tear up so badly that it is hard to garden and wipe my eyes at the same time and not get dirt in my eye. For those of you out there that have this same problem, I would tell you that Dr. Heffernan is incredible and a joy to be around. You should get this surgery done.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Over my first

Okay, I am not a radiation virgin anymore. And honestly, it was no big deal. I layed on the table and meditated the best I could on the cancer cells being zapped and burned to death. haha
I saw my eye doctor today, and the right eye is awesome but the left eye is still weepy. So, Wednesday we are going to do a five minute eye surgery to open up the tear duct again. I am grateful he is going to put me under because I have grown a wee bit fearful of the giant needle digging into my tear duct while I am awake. Again, you got to laugh.

I wanna cry because I'm petrified

Okay, I have put off blogging this past week simply because I don't want to think. I don't want to think about what's ahead, and I sit here not wanting to write, but realize at the same time that I only have three hours longer until I no longer have the luxury to put off not thinking. Its now almost 7 AM and my eye appointment is at 9:30 and then radiation #1 starts at 10:30. I have #33 total.
To put how I am feeling in a quick word, petrified fits how I feel. I am freaking out. There are so many unknowns. Things to expect, like being tired. Like supposedly the effects aren't immediate and they happen weeks into treatment. Who knows. I have no idea how my body is going to react to RADIATION. I have been dealing with this for months, since June, and you'd think that I couldn't have any more moments of truely being in and feeling "shock" but I am . I am in shock still. I cannot believe I am about to have my chest radiated. I cannot believe I had breast cancer in my tiny little boob. In my 33 year old boob. ME!! Hard to wrap my brain around.
THen there is the saddness, and I may just cry during my treatment. I have no idea.
Luckily work has kept me busy, and I went to bed wanting to jump rope for hours. I am incredibly anxious. I don't do good with burns. Ugh!!

I must make a FANTASTIC correction! I have heard varying answers so finally asked my Onc the other day. I asked him, "so, I get to start counting the beginning of my year when I am all through with treatment?" And he said, "no, you start counting your year the day of diagnosis." I said, "that doesn't make any sense, why start before treatment?" He said, "that's just the way we do it."

For those of you confused about the relativity of this conversation, let me explain. As a stage 1 Triple NEgative I have a 1 in 6 chance that my cancer will have reoccurance in the next three years. After three years my chances dramatically drop. So, of coarse I have been excited for many reasons of coarse, but for this reason excited to be done with treatment. But I was wrong. I have already started this countdown, on June 2, 2008. So this June, I will have one year down!! And just two more to go, to be able to look further in my life than just the next three years!!

Friday, March 6, 2009

I get to wait a month

I saw my Onc today, and I don't need to see him for a whole month. I am thrilled, and hesitant. Seeing him is like getting a big hug and a wink that everything is going to be fine from your Dad.
I will write more tomorrow when I feel inspired by the morning light.

I start radiation on Monday, the long wait if over. It will be 33 consecutive times. I am thrilled to start and scared. But happy.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Party is coming to an end

My last radiation planning appointment is this morning, after my teeth cleaning. When you are getting chemo you can't get your teeth cleaned because of all the germs that get flung around in your mouth. Before I started back in late June I got my teeth cleaned, so I am very excited to get them done again. I can't remember if I posted this or not, but the other day on of my molars just decided it was done and so the front of it exploded when I was eating bread. Luckily it was just one part and I only needed a filling.
I am feeling anxious about the radiation. I am sick of everyone telling me its no big deal. How the hell does everyone know that? I have heard very unpleasant stories, and stories that it was harder than chemo, so this statement drives me even more crazy. I hope that I am fine and I hope that it isn't a big deal, but who knows. I mean, please it is RADIATION. Its not like I am just going to pop myself into a tanning bed for quick ten minute tan up. I am choosing to get radiated. My radiation oncologist said that not much of my lung is involved which is great.
Today I need to fill my prescripstion for the Biofin, I think that is what you call it. I have heard wonders about this, wonders about lots of stuff. My Rad. Onc. said really who knows if any of it works, and who's to say the skin wouldn't heal just the same without it. I am nearing the end of treatment.
The other day my Triple Negative friend found out a year and a half out that her cancer migrated to her brain. I am devastated by this news. Sad because she was told she only has two years left, sad that breast cancer sucks, sad that each breast cancer survivor especially the triple negative has a high reoccurance/migration stage the first three years. JUST SAD.
How the hell did the TN live through all the chemo and radiation? It stays small for a year and a half and then wham, there you are showing up, lite up in an MRI in the brain.
So, for all those that didn't think I had anything to worry about, and why wasn't I happier when I found out I was only a stage 1, there is your answer, another answer, another reason.
Is that for the rest of my life, and for the next three years, when I I am all done with treatment and I get to start counting my three year mark, I will have the potential of this on my shoulders. She was given just two years. I hope she is around to at least be there for her little girl when she starts her moon.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


My eyelashes are starting to grow back. I find myself throughout the day checking out my hair growth. Yesterday I noticed that the hair just above my ear now is long enough to go over my eye glass arms. And last night I noticed there is one wild hair that is about an inch long that has its own mind and doesn't want to hang out with the rest of them and is poking straight out, despite my attempt to talk it back down with the others. I just laugh. If this was before cancer, I'd try coating it with some kind of hair product or water but I don't care now. There is actually a little bit of pride. Pride in that I have hair again! Its funny, and makes me laugh.

Yesterday I had a lot of anger. I am not an angry person at all, but I felt it rear its head when I was behind the wheel. I just felt so incredibly angry, and the root of it is the cancer, of coarse.

I see my Onc on friday and I am hoping I can get off the steroids, and that there is no additional water in my lungs.

Monday, March 2, 2009

A Whirlwind

This week was insanely fun. For the medical stuff, I think it was thursday..I can't remember, I got my radiation tatoos. There are three tiny little marks they made around my breast. It was not fun. They used a black permaenant marker and made three different X's on me. Now remember, I am the girl that when I go into see a show does not allow someone to put a stamp on my wrist because I worry about the ink getting into me. So the stinky marker was used and then they took calligraphy ink and put a big dot of that in the center of the X's and then the nurse took a tiny needle/torture divice and in a screwing back and forth motion worked this needle into my chest. Done, I know have three little tatooed freekle markes on my chest. Spelling is not happening this morning. Ugh!

I feel great, my legs are still pretty swollen and I think that I feel water in my lungs. Who knows. I will see my Onc sometime this coming week. Luckily this week isn't as busy as last. I did 15 massages in 5 days, had two days off to see doc's ect, and I put a house on the market. And it sold, or should I say Pending Inspection in 5 days. The number 5 was a reoccuring theme for me last week. Like maybe I should have stopped and counted to five..hahaha

I had two interviews for publication about this journey. One for the Seattle Woman's Mag on genetic testing, and you all know what an advocate I am for this testing. And then last night I spoke to a college journalist student, and I think she is writing a story/paper on me. The wind is howling outside, and I am really excited about that.