Dreams do come true!

Where to start?  Tears are so close to the surface thinking of all that I've gone through to get to this point.  I've had readers email me the last few weeks that have nudged me to break my blogging silence for a quick check in.  Writing my book brought me such pain, and such heartache that I had to stop.  My cancer therapist and a teacher, helped me let go of my goal to power through and write it.  PTSD was causing me such sadness that I had to let go of my usual M.O. of soldering through.  

My pain and deep depression that was triggered was around the loss of my fertility, my deep desire to be a Mother. I am happy to write and say, I am now a Mother!! A breastfeeding Mother (on the Left)
To the sweetest, giggly, kind spirited baby.  I am over the moon.  I have found the love of my life in her, and her Father.  

Healing takes time.  My book will take time.  I needed to be a Mother, to find a place of joy, to write it.  There is Hope in the Cancer Journey.  We all find it at different times.  Mine was found as my newborn was brought to my chest for the first time.  In my reclaimed body.  In my reclaimed life.    

Gentle with myself

This business of healing after treatment, has taken me a very long time.  I'm not the most patient person in the world, and I really have had to find the love for myself in allowing myself to be patient; with me, with my process, and with the wisdom of my body.
Over a year ago, I started the process of labeling my blog and devoted myself to writing my book.  As I relived what I went through during treatment, I found myself further and further in a place of depression that began to scare me.  Reaching out to my cancer therapist, I realized that I was reactivating PTSD and that I needed to be gentle with myself.
I asked her, feeling broken and finally at rock bottom with my depression, "can you please give me something to help me not feel this way anymore."  I have always been a person that did not believe in this.  I have always been a person that has fought to learn about myself and grow, and be happy.  But I simply could not find that happiness anymore.  She replied, "I could give you something, but that is not going to take away what is causing this unhappiness, Heather.  What is making you unhappy?"
Tears started flowing, and I had to share with her how angry I was and the despair I had around the loss of my fertility, and how much cancer had taken from me.  I was living a life, that I had not thought I was choosing to fight for so many years ago, when I decided to take chemo.  I naively chose a life full of the dreams I had, once had.
I shared with her that I didn't want to be an angry person, and refused to allow myself to be angry.  I left there understanding, that that is exactly what I needed to do. Once, I allowed myself to be angry, and to feel the anger, the depression lifted.
A year and a half later, I am married to the most loving, caring, supportive man I have ever met.  I am not ready to write about our journey with fertility yet, but want to say it has been full of mourning and loss, and I hope soon, joy and the family I have always yearned to have.
My book, remains in process as I need to be gentle with reliving the horror of treatment.  I now understand why so many cancer survivors I know, move on and do not think about what they went through.  I often think about how I do not want cancer to define who I am, but at the same time cancer has defined the life I get to lead and live and in truth, it has defined me.  I am a Cancer Survivor who still finds myself, wrapping my arms around me, holding myself, soothing my inner child, and saying, "Yes, you did go through all of that.  You did make it.  I don't know how long I have on this planet, but right now, Heather.  You made it."

Reconstructing and Running..

Just a little update to let you know that my blog is going to be undergoing a few changes. I'm adding lables so that you all if wanting to read posts on Triple Negative, for example, or posts for Hope, can just click on that word and it'll bring you to my posts on that subject. Please bare with me while I slump them together.Life is full of LIFE right now. I am back in school, working towards my goal of committing my life to young people with cancer, and to help support their families/friends as well. I'm working on my book still. There is much resistance to throwing myself at it full bore. Mainly, the nightmares that come with it, are real. The book is one of Hope and inspiration and I've decided to leave all the gory details here and if folks reading the book want to, they may visit the blog and read all the truth. This is a lot of sharing, and for those that need and desire information or someone to relate to you can now check out posts that are particular to what you seek. Most everyone will not have such a difficult time with treatment as I did. With that being said, my blog is full of inspiration and love for myself, as I learn to love myself more as I face the fight of my life. Please, feel free to email me if you need support or simply want to say hello.

Rugs of Hair

Years ago, I met a woman that lived on the Eastside, in Bellevue actually that sold beautiful rugs. I asked her if she would be willing to trade massage for one. Quickly, she and I hit it off and we spent the next few years, every week, trading. I have a bazillion rugs now that are housed at various friends homes and are also strewn about my cabin.
She was a young mother of two teenage kids. Michelle was in her early forties. I met her just as she had finished Breast Cancer treatment, her hair was a delightful pixie cut, and she was in the process of getting implants. I learned a lot while I worked on her, all-the-while thinking OF COURSE, I would never be dealing with Cancer. That was about eight years ago now.
I admired that she loved to go out dancing, and rage at various local shows till the wee hours. I watched her fall in love with a man that loved her despite her being without breasts & during the process of getting breasts. I loved her spunk. She was a wonderful mother, her sense of “Napoleon Dynamite” humor with her kids, and… and…SHOOT! I totally thought she had Health in her future!!
Finally, I got my fill of rugs and ended our trades. I got married, and life went along the road of the living. Well…we all know how my story goes and that I entered her side of the Club I didn’t want to belong to.
The past couple of weeks, I have been driving past her neck of the woods for the first time in years and I thought, I should go by her house and say hello. I tossed that idea around for a few weeks, feeling it sink deep into the bottom of my belly. Feeling the undeniable, “I wonder if her cancer came back? I wonder if she is alive? I wonder if she is married to that nice man?” Well, this week I decided to take a left off the road I travel on, and make my way up to her house.
I got a little lost, I couldn’t remember exactly. When I was a little girl, my Mother taught me to get around and remember directions by landmarks…by trees and such. That helped guide me to her house as I saw a familiar Rhododendron and I took that right. As I pulled into her driveway I noticed a “Baby Girl” balloon outside the door. I thought, Jez…did she just have another baby?
I didn’t have to knock because a nice man opened the door and I introduced myself as I asked if Michelle was still here. He said he had bought the house a year and a half ago and that he was (I knew it was coming) sorry to be the one to give me the bad news, but that Michelle had not made it. I looked up into the stairwell and saw that his families photos had replaced Michelle’s families. I thanked him, and as I walked away, I said, “Looks like you have a lot of life to be celebrating in there. Enjoy.” I walked away with a newborns cry and a somber mood.
I drove away and cried, and spoke to her, and remembered her. The past few days I have been thinking about her and realized that I did much of the “coming back to life post treatment” that she had. I rarely missed a night of dancing in the city and had a summer of the most fun I have ever had as an adult. I partied (in a good way) like it was 1999!!! (I’m a Prince fan, what can I say)..
For some reason the length of her hair when I last got to work on her stuck with me. I’ve been mulling and processing in my head how sad I am that I never got to sit and have that cup of tea with her. I never got to shock the heck out of her and tell her I got sick too! I never got to ask her to go dancing with me! Why did she not make it? Where are her kids now? This is my next step is to track them down. The Seattle area is small, and I know enough people that once I start the “did you know”, to my friends I will find her kids or her parents.
Tears are pretty full this past week. If I slow down and just look, they come. This morning, as I was massaging I looked in the mirror and saw that my hair is now the longest its been since I was diagnosed in ’08. Its shoulder length now! Wow! I cocked my head from side to side, and watched it sway back and forth. I still enjoy my new treat of swirling my hair when I am in bad traffic. I never was a twirler before cancer, but it’s a sweet and fun way of connecting in with my ego, my girly side, and celebrating having hair.
I thought today, Wow! At each stage of length bald, fuzz, chemo curls with pixie, at ear length, and now at shoulder length I was healing in drastically different ways. One of the hardest parts of writing this particular book for me is processing all that I went through in one fell swoop. It takes me months to process from a full weeks worth of work and I then start to compile thoughts through that healing, and then go back to paper and write more. Hhhmmmm…Yes, I am still healing. I feel incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to do all this personal growth and am excited to some day share it.
People want to know when I will be done with the book? These folks are not writers, as the published writers in my life, all laugh when I talk to them about how I REALLY feel like answering this question. I have no idea when it will be done. It’s not just a fun book to write, you know. It’s a beautiful piece of artwork that is in the process of healing my heart as I birth it. It will take some time.
Well…Michelle, I am so sorry you didn’t make it babe. You were amazing. I am so very sorry and bummed I didn’t get to drink tea with you. Ugh. Belly cries and sadness.

Enough Talk

Well, here I am just finishing 2 years and 22 days of being done with treatment and I still find myself processing what I went through. In fact, I have been reclaiming my New life, My New Normal, and incorporating all that I learned into this new life. But I have yet sat in the pain. I have yet stopped and looked over the crevice. I have been whooping it up and recalibrating. Both were incredibly normal and “right “ things to do for a young woman.
The longer I chose to not sit in a yogic lotus posture, the longer I chose to not sit with the pain that was in my stomach churning and whirling, the longer the snake grew up my spin and has cluttered my mind, my thoughts, my dreams, and now has made this life that I so hummingbirdly love a messy, at times wound driven chaos of superficial thumb sucking fun.
I thought removing myself from city living and moving to an island would do the trick. Oh, the tricks we play on ourselves when we are just crying wolf. How long do we choose to run before we actually walk our walk and know thyself?
As I sit here in my cozy cabin, with a fire that needs to be stoked, and large spring Pacific NW raindrops falling on the roof, with the impending thunder that I can feel needing to break me free from all of my fallacies….
It’s very easy to judge the way I've chosen to “reintegrate”. Whether I was running from the work I needed to do or not, who knows. Who’s to say the work of being and enjoying wasn’t work in and of it self. But, I do know that I need to be alone, or if a man is in my life, make sure he is a King and one that lovingly, respectfully, and honorably can give me the time, and space to heal, and who will love me through that. So, here I am folks. I have been all talk up to this point.

Here I am. Yes, the chapters are etched out, and scribbled and scrawled in a wee bit. The real work will come first in a calm, mindful, sitting position. With Me, Myself, and my Pain. No one deserves to be told what I was told, those words, and those simple words: heather you do have cancer. That shock, the utter despair, I am going to call forth and move forth. I’m ready to sit in the sadness of what was my reality because I am finally strong enough to believe, almost believe that it was a WAS and I am Safe to again Live.

Bloating can be...

Summer is in full swing, and I literally have been home just a few days here and there over the past few months. I went on a motorcycle tour of Italy, Switzerland, Austria, Slovenia, and Croatia..with my new man. Life is so fun. I catch myself playing with my hair and I can actually almost pull it back into the tiniest of ponytails now. This makes me smile secretly to myself. What I found out at my doctors visit last week is this. My ticker is awesome the swelling is not from that. Which leaves it to, Chemo and/or hormones. It is common for a few years following chemo to experience what I am experiencing. They do not know why, but really that is now okay with me. It seems that that is the answer to so many of the crazy things that have happened to my body. "Heather, we have no idea why, but we do know, its chemo induced." Okay, I can live with that. My numbers all seem to be in the awesome range. I'm off, into the sea of living life and enjoying every moment of it.

379 Posts...

You know, its really hard to stop writing here. So, today, as I sit for my latest three month appointment in a room of folks with varying hair lengths and varying levels of anxiety (both partners and loved ones and patients) I sit waiting for my name to be called. I really try to let the scared feelings of "what if its back" stay out of my mind. I am pretty much a believer in my "cancer free" status, even though I have not been told I am yet by my doctor. I haven't been declared NED. Maybe I should ask him today if I am. Or when I get to be. I am here for a few things and a few of them have been driving me crazy. One that started when I ran my 18 miler, my body started retaining water and has slowly kept this up. Last check up I was the heaviest ever in my life, and even my doc was shocked once he saw my numbers..I have been traveling a bit and airplanes are a nightmare for me. For some reason the retention stays for weeks, and does not go away without water tabs. Then I lose about 5-7 pounds in one night, and still my legs are full of fluid. I can feel it, its uncomfortable to say the least, and I want an answer. No more, well...that's just what happened because of chemo. I want to find someone to explain to me, why and how, and then I can rest. Because in this unknown is where the scared, "is it back" feelings go. I start worrying that there is undetected cancer somewhere causing the retention. My latest vacations have been really almost unbearable with this. I swell, and secretly worry a lot. I finally am talking about it. Okay, now I am back in the little room. The room where I've sat with D, and was initially told all about my cancer, the room that I sat processing all the icky stuff that happened to me, the room that I sit cancer free? No one knows that for sure, that is why I still have to come back here every three months..I wonder when I get to graduate to every six months. There is a question about that..that is why he didn't graduate me yet. hhmmm...so I guess my fretting is okay, and maybe its okay to talk to the loves in my life about it.
There is a sense of...I have worried them all so much and talked to them what feels like to me, till they are all cancer blue in the face, and I just don't want to worry any of them. Its been easier to just talk to my cancer therapist about it (she's very concerned and is the reason I sit here today) and just let everyone go back to living their little lives. My life has gone back to a near normal. But it hasn't arrived yet to my New Normal. I am still figuring it all out.
The other thing we are keeping an eye on are my hormone levels. They were very, very, very low six months ago..low as in there is no way you will come out of menopause...but miracles do happen. To starting my moon, and the numbers coming up ever so slightly to my Onc saying, "maybe you are just doing a sporadic sloughing, and still kid...don't get your hopes up." To, know this past month, I've had two moons, and I think last time I was a little nutty. Maybe. I have NEVER in my life gotten nutty with hormones, but maybe my body just got inundated with them and my counts are way up. I am trying to not get hopeful, and excited about this. We will see. What I do know, is that I am living life to the freaking fullest. There has not been one missed opportunity to have fun. I have started opening my heart and falling in love with a dear tender soul, and that feels good and scary and beautiful.
Life is full. Excited to have my Onc walk in and give him a hug. I can feel the tears already.

Living Life

***CLICK on the photos and it will come up larger, if you wish.***

Wishful Endings...

May flowers bring me one year and eleven months from the day I was initially diagnosed. I wrote this posting days ago. I have been sitting with it, making sure it is something I am really ready to do. My dear friend asked me the other day, " are you sad in your decision? I said no." But as I write here, I feel sad. But the sadness is not in the letting go, but in all that I have gone through. I am ready to start placing my energy on going moving forward and writing my book, and living life.

***My friends keep texting me and saying, You are a Marathoner. Wow! I am. I did it. I never let myself think about the whole 26 miles. I didn’t want to psyche myself out. I must say, that I think I could run a fifty mile, ultra-marathon now. With proper training of coarse. But for sure, I am already signed up for another marathon, and my new goal is to run four marathons a year.

I made a little Picasa web album with comments so that you all could see the beautiful place I ended all of this. I cannot think of a more triumphant ending. I was diagnosed at 33, went through fertility treatments, eleven chemo’s, and 33 radiations, on top of experiencing all the wonderful side effects that seemed to be ever present with each bend in the road, and then ending treatment I filed for divorce.

I got knocked down over and over and over. I learned how to not let that take anything away from me. Instead, I learned to surrender to all the twists and challenges and embrace them. I hope my blog will continue to help you woman and men out there that feel alone on your journey of cancer. Whether it is your journey, your sisters journey, or your wife’s journey. My prayer is that my words bring peace into your lives.

I often wrote thinking of some young woman in a little town in South Dakota with no support around her. I wrote to comfort you, to comfort me, and to comfort our families. I am totally done writing here, with the exceptions of posting updates of events I will be speaking at and creating. I am ready to start writing and being there again for the woman on the Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundations website. This site was one of the most helpful, loving, supportive, and real places I could bring all of my emotions, all of my thoughts, and not be judged.

There will be a new chapter in my life, but first I must close this book, and regroup in the life that I now have worked so hard to be a part of. My life has come to that joyous place that Survivors ahead of me said would come, “Heather, some day you will go a day without thinking of breast cancer. You will have a life back. You will have a new normal, but normal you will have again..I promise.”

Thank you all for your love, for following my journey, and I look forward to hearing from you. Please continue passing this blog onto anyone you think that it will bring comfort, peace, and healing to.

Weightlessness

This coming week marks my one year anniversary of being "done" with treatment. There seems to be a lot of "anniversaries" with this cancer thing. Or this life thing. Like when you meet someone you remember the day you first kissed. The day you first held hands. The first day of it all. I guess that is what life is about, at least for me. I like to mark special things that happen in my life. Cancer to me, was a special time in my life. It created me, for who I am, today. I cannot help but want to celebrate, and create rituals for myself to mark these moments.

The 22nd of April 2009, I was done. The 21st of April, 2009 my dear friend Jenn said goodbye to her sister Jen, as she had fought this fight for years. Triumphantly, I will add. I signed up to walk the Susan B. Komen 3Day in Arizona this November with the team that she and her husband Greg started, Team Thrivr.

I have put this off, knowing full well that I wanted to walk, and that I would be walking, and sharing a tent with Jenn (I am sooo looking forward to this). I have not been "strong" enough to bring myself to do that. I mean, to sign up, for a walk that I never truly cared about. In all honesty. I mean, I cared before cancer. I did. But in a, "that's not me, and I'll find another way to give back to society," kind of way. Like, maybe I'd tutor young kids, or something. That, was another lifetime ago.

This past week, I spent a moment with a friend whose been fighting for her life for years. Bravely, fighting. Fighting perhaps longer and with more vigilance than I may... This was the first time, (I realized this as I was at my cancer therapy appointment this week), that I was able to be present and not "make it about me." I realized that so often in life we connect with peoples lives or feelings or thoughts, through our lenses, through our experiences, through our hearts. I was able to do this deeply, but it did not cause me to freak out and start worrying about my cancer. My trip. I feel safe. I feel like I made it across home base, and the umpire is yelling, "SAAAFFEE!!!" I think, I am safe. Safe enough, that I am able to put myself aside, and hold a dear sister, and let her cry. I can cry, because I understand her pain. I do. Fully, understand. I realized that this week as well, another blessing to come out of this. As a healer, I am ready to start being of comfort in a like minded, fully-understandable way. In a strong, safe, sound, and integrated way of giving back.

So, I for months now, since my girls trip to Sayulita, Jenn has been holding off on sending me her sister Jen's blog postings..Her journey. I simply could not go there. As I was not even close to being there.

I signed up, yesterday for the 3Day and asked for some of them. The ones on her being a marathoner, and her running, and her cancer journey. Her freakin' incredible life, that was lived, so lived, so loved. She had, and still has an amazing husband. He was with her, as her teammate unlike I have known, in such a beautiful way. I cannot wait to meet him, this year. Even though Jen Hoffman has passed on, her legacy continues. I am so incredibly honoured to be joining such a family, a team that as my friend Jenn says, "is running 40 deep this year."

I have started the beginning leg of my marathon journey. I left Seattle this morning, and am at new friend's house in Reno. Overlooking sage, beautiful rolling hills, turkey vultures flying, and am slowly starting to paint my face, with war paint.

This marathon, is my time that I have ritually over months and months of training, breathed all of the pain, all of the anguish, all of the beauty that this journey has brought and taught me...I breathed all of that into each and every run. I am ready to pick this breath up, and run with her, with the Spirits of those that have gone before me, from this disease. All the ones that were not ready to go, but did. And run for them, and run for me, and celebrate being here. In this vessel. This body, that really does not matter. But matter, to all that love me, it does.

I guess that is the pain in death. It is letting that love that connection, that breath go. To the Hoffman/Glickman family. Thank You for bringing me into your fold.

Last long run..

Yesterday was my last long run before the marathon, on the 25th. I decided to run down at Alki, which for those of you that do not live here in Seattle...its a beautiful boardwalk along the Puget Sound. The Olympic Mountains, on a clear day sparkle, and its easy to get lost in thought as you look out at the views. Since this is the route I ran to teach my body how to go the distance, I thought it was the perfect way to end the big training. My training, has become a way of life these past seven months. As I run lately, I find myself astonished that it is just like walking to me now. In the beginning, I was always in pain, my mind pulling me this way and that in pain...but I've harnessed this wild beast and it is a meditation now. Early on in the training, there was clearly no difference in the pain in my lungs, in my head, in my knees. Now, I feel that there are two separate discomforts for me. One is cardiovascularly I am incredibly fit. I can even run up hills, and stay within a good heart rate for me...And then, there is my body. My body is learning how to be strong. Honestly, after the twenty mile run, my body has taken about a week to jump back.

Okay. So, yes, I am totally ready to run this race. Very excited indeed. I feel for the first time in years, truly back to a place of normalcy..haha..whatever that means. I feel warm. I feel full of grace. I feel full of patience (and I see this now in my work again..thank god..and in my stress levels), life is coming together just as Springs buds are exploding in scent.

Yesterday, I spoke with a dear sister whose cancer has come back (she's my age) for the upteinth time. She said goodbye by saying, " I gotta go, play life." How that sentence brought me straight back. How that sentence suddenly made all the things in my life, irrelevant again. It is, just playing life. I so got her. I so get it. I so remember that. And it. All of it. It has been nice, forgetting all of it. But in reality, It is Me. How silly I've been lately. How humbled I was by the reminder. I now wish, I could just run and run, and think. My body will not allow this yet. Today is a rest day. But I do wish, I could run, and think about this. This it...this life.

How blessed we each are for our days here. We get to wake up, with a renewed love. With a renewed openness to what may be. We get to start anew each and everyday. In each and every moment.

As I ran yesterday, I started to give myself permission after the marathon, to stop writing here as often. I have given myself until after the marathon...to be "done" with this whole cancer treatment stuff...I really need to turn the processing I've done, so openly (and so openly on facebook..)back into me. I need to turn this energy within so I am inspired to write my book. This will be very healing for me. I will continue to write here, but who knows when.

Okay, off to play life. With a huge smile on my face. I am excited to see who will touch my life today, and whose I get to touch.

The ever living Ghost of Once was

Its taken me a few days of retracing and dissecting what I learned about myself, from my 20 mile run last Saturday. Happily, and reverently I am thankful I ran out on Vashon Island. This island, as you all know by now, is one of my heart places in this world. Its a safe place for me. A retreat. My sanctuary. I ran from the Northend ferry south alongside the Westside highway, ending my run around a loop that is called the Burton loop. Since I was 17, I have ran that loop off and on, it is three miles from my favorite little coffee stand.

The first ten miles were met by spring's multi-hued palettes of green. Buds pushing out into bright fushcia Salmonberry blossoms. I past a creek that years ago, I had reached after hours of crawling through various tight brambles and walking fallen trees in a ravine miles upstream. Remembering how happy I was to reach the Puget Sound after such an adventurous trek, by myself. I ran past the memories of friends homes, of parties, of stories, of births, of dreams that have morphed into the stories I now tell. I ran past the house I rented last summer to celebrate my one year anniversary. I wrote poems in my head of all these things.

As I run, I break up the long miles into quarters, so every 5 miles I got closer to being done. The closer to my own private victory.

As I reached the little town of Burton, I raised my arms in victory, being that I only had four miles left. I started to cry a little, but had to stop because my lungs hurt with the irregular gasps from crying, when I am already pushing them hard. I stopped for a moment, and looked out at the view of Maury Island (Vashon is connected by a little isthmus to Maury Island) and said, "You did it, Heather."

Running is just for me. It brings me deeper into me. I get to learn how my mind works, how it would like to trick me into stopping. How in the pain (and I am in pain as I run these longer runs) the mind can tell me different stories, all stories that are from past experiences/stories about how I should stop. I travel with these stories, and then imprint new stories. Stories of, "Remember, when you were sick? Remember how bad you felt? If you got through that, you can push through for a few more miles."

Running allows me to heal further. To regain parts of me that were defeated. So, in that moment(s) of raising my arms in victory, I shook my fists..I did it. Victory is so sweet. Growth as a human, is so sweet. This victory is no ones, but mine.

A few of my nearest and dearest will be at the finish line. The symbolism of their support is huge for me. Before cancer, it was nearly impossible to allow myself to receive this kind of support. I was always trying to prove to myself, how I could do everything on my own. How strong I was. Cancer broke this down. I learned how to be vulnerable. I learned how to be soft AND strong. I learned to risk asking for what I needed, and then being okay with whatever answer I got. As I run through the finish line, and celebrate that night with my beloveds, we will be celebrating Life.

I am ready for the marathon now. I am glad I have a few weeks to rest up, and heal from the 20 miles.

A wee side note...I wanted to thank two of my Mom's in this life. Debbie and Kathy, for meeting me after my run. They drove me back to my car at the Northend. But not before retracing my entire run, and filling me up with so much love, celebration, praise, and encouragement. Those hills sure did seem bigger in the car! Your love brings tears to my eyes as I write this. I sure am lucky, to be loved as I am. I will remember this part of the celebration for ever. Hugs.

Thoughts that wake me

I have been dreaming all night about my moon. Telling family/friends about it, feeling it in my body, releasing all the fear...I decided to finally wake up and put words to the fears....

What if it stops? Maybe I shouldn't have told anyone. It did happen. It is happening. How long will it last? Wonder if I will go back to my 21 day cycle? Does my body know what to do? I get to experience menopause again...yay..and ugh.. I get to celebrate and create a ritual of coming back into my womanhood. I get to put off welcoming menopause. In my early 40's I have to have my uterus, ect taken out to prevent cancer showing up there..at least I will have gotten to have a baby(ies) by then (alone or married I will do this if infact I can). Everyone is saying I should stop running. Doesn't anyone understand that I know my body really well? Doesn't everyone understand that I believe it is my running that got my Moon to come back? I think running cleared all the toxins out of my system so that my body reversed the menopause/chemopause like state. I am going to run my 20 miles on Saturday, just because I am bleeding doesn't mean that my body needs to sit around and drink tea. Bodies are meant to be moved. I am running this marathon. I am scared. Feeling my body/mind resisting sinking deeply into myself. As I sat tonight and drank my Kava tea I felt my uterus. I felt my body calling myself back into itself. I have been so scared, so sad, that I had separated myself from my uterus. Instead I drank my tea and I simply noticed this. Instead of sitting and closing my eyes, and reconnecting. That is for tomorrow morning's tea. So happy my friend Katie is coming down from Van tomorrow. I get to celebrate with a friend. I need to do a spa weekend. Relax into myself. Unto myself. Love. Slow down the pace, to heal, to heal yet again. How is it that I can be this connected to myself, and so aware, yet so unaware? How is it that I am just now realizing how my sadness had caused me to disconnect to my own reproduction system? I need to do a meditation from head to toe, from toe to head with welcoming myself back to myself. Listening to what these body parts are saying to each other. That will be my new morning ritual before I get out of bed. Wow!! I started. Time to drink more water, and try to go back to sleep.

Not an April Fools Joke

I started my Moon...Just NOW!!!!!!!!! I get to be a Mom!! Wow! Blown away..

Feathers and Fire

Once again, I find myself in awe of the lessons cancer has taught me, and is still revealing unto me. Before Cancer, I sure was a goal setter. A planner to the T. List maker extraordinaire. I am really loving making my lists again, but now my ego is not attached to these lists, or to an outcome. I sit here this morning, full of joy and have gotten closer to a whole(r) place of being in my body, mind, and soul.

This past weekend, I attended a ceremony for my friends daughters second birthday. I have been putting of attending a ceremony since I have been going through this stuff (sounds so trivial when I put it that way..), for the main reason of a few postings ago..I had let go of Faith in my life. I had to. I had to set it aside, and just be "in" the present moment, that in all reality was much more of a spiritual journey than I have ever been on.

Well, this weekend it just happened that my jam packed real estate schedule (yippee a schedule) all vanished for various meant to be reasons, and there was nothing holding me to the city. I drove down to Southern Oregon, and met with friends that had gathered from Washington, Idaho, Alaska, Oregon, and California. Old friends that I have not seen in years. Friends, that are my brothers in my life. Men that have my back. Men that I can call for any reason, and they are there for me. For no other reason, than they love me. Which is hard pressed in my life. I would say I only have two others in my life, that there are no ulterior motivations. Just pure sister brother relations.

In this ceremony, I prayed and prayed, and prayed some more for my friends daughters life. For their life as parents, for their guidance for her, for their continued communication and love for one another so that she may have good examples of the love she deserves in her later life, ect.

In praying for her life, I connected back into my faith. A faith that I thought had gone away. A faith that I felt had betrayed me. A faith that had not been there. A faith that indeed I did feel all along, but that I chose to exile, so that I could dig deeper, and be "alone".

What I learned this weekend is that my faith is not an extension of me. It is not outside of me. It is not something I can "have" or "believe in" or even "live by". It simply is my heart, it is my soul, it is my breath and my blood that pulses through my body with each heartbeat. I looked deeper into myself this weekend and found a stronger me. A wholer me. A me, that I do not not need to exile any longer.

***

This week is the second biggest week of my training for this marathon. I run 40 miles, and am very excited about it. I woke up in the middle of the night, freaking out about my Saturday run that will be 20 miles!! Its small compared to April 25th's 26.285... I ran through my first pair of shoes, and bought a new pair yesterday. Very excited to bring these new ones for my ten miles spin today. Its a beautiful day here in Seattle. I am opening my life up for change on many levels. I'm noticing here in my life, that I am not connected to any one thing, as I had been before cancer. I believe after this weekend, it is through my faith, faith in my life, and my body, my soul, my path, that what will be, will simply just be. I have nothing to hold onto, other than change, and the perpetual motion of being in the present moment and living in awe of the unknowns.

An Understanding

Today, was a full day. I have had a few of my nearest and dearest in town visiting and they both left today. I have not been sleeping, at all. My body is also, still ever so slightly trying to have a moon. I am trying to not get excited, but feel that there has been a shift. Hopeful hopes? Hhhmmm..possibly.

I gave a massage to a client of mine today that has just finished her chemo, and has started radiation. There were a few moments, of such depth of understanding. To hear in her voice, a quiver of pain, of the depth that she has had to dig, for it to be felt in every morsel of my body, my heart, my soul, my every-thing. We whimpered together, fighting back tears. The tribe, of life that I belong to. She belongs to. Forever touched. Forever understood.

I am feeling a huge sense of empowerment the past week. Feeling stronger in my body, stronger in my mind. There is a sense of things to come. For almost two years now, I have been on this Cancer road. For almost two years, I have been in my shell, thinking of ways to give back. To help, heal and to be of service to other survivors. I have decided on one, I believe profound way of giving back, and I am just now beginning the steps to move forward and make it a reality. I will share it, once I know that it is going to work, and is not just an idea.

Two hints...just for women and men that are breast cancer survivors under the age of 40....and its going to help them regain their lives after treatment.

I am excited to start my new life of service. This morning, over my cuppa with my friend, we spoke about my new life. I feel like I have been birthed a new, and I have the blessed chance to start over. I was stripped down in every single way imaginable. Moving forward from here, with an open heart, and open palm...soft yet strong. Being gentle with myself.

Did I? uhh..No

I have been grappling with wether or not to post this, but have decided to be brave and do, strictly for you other breast cancer survivors that are young. Just a quick requests for all my beloveds in my life, reading this, if I have not brought this up to you, please do not talk to me about it. Gulp..here I go..

You all know how badly I want(ed) to be a mom. I am now going to not capitalize the word, and will also add (ed), as in what limbo state am I in? Or more importantly who am I trying to fool? Or who am I trying to just live with, in this present moment, and not start planning and living thoughts for tomorrow that I may not even need to worry about.

Ok...no more stalling. After my long runs (I just completed an 18 miler last Saturday) I bleed for a day..a small amount, but blood is present nonetheless. On Sunday, this was still occurring so I called a few of my closest and shared. Everyone got really excited. I was secretly excited, that is why I called. I wanted to share my potential news. Like, HEY!!! I THINK I STARTED. I even have allowed myself to start planning my party, if it comes back. Setting myself up for failure? Uh, No. Just dreaming. Everyone will have to wear red.. : ) Who would've thought I'd ever be planning a party for this! Too funny. Really? You got to laugh.

I am also planning for the ritual of embracing its non-return as well. Tight rope. Or how about just no rope, Heather. In the present moment its not happening, you still have some more time ahead of you.

What is odd to me is all the self-awareness I carry with me now. In the present moment, I pay attention to everything now. I listen very carefully to everyone now. I listen very closely to my feelings, my thoughts, my process.

When I phone my friends and sister, I heard their delight. I found that I was detached. The Tigger in me, the one that wants to jump and play, was wrapped in bubble wrap. Its great listening to everyones responses, don't get me wrong. They mimic the joy that is in my soul. Its just hard, sharing sometimes. Being vulnerable with me...myself..and I.

I can feel my ovaries getting warm, like in my pre-moon days before cancer. The hot flashes and night sweats are totally gone. I hope they stay at bay. It feels like my body is trying to work. It wants to work, it wants to have a baby in a magickal way. I have always thought of looking someone (I wonder who that will be.. smile to the unknowns) in the eye, and calling forth those spirits (with all fingers crossed for twins) and consciously conceiving. I even have the book, Conscious Conception. Great book, by the way.

Anyways, those are thoughts for the future, because a year from now, it will be very evident if I am going to get my moon back or not. My Onc, thinks I'll know in the next three months. Or wait...a few months have gone by already. I am scheduled to go in after my marathon. In the beginning of May..(I am going to give him a picture (I'm giving one to my surgeon and eye doc too) of me running through the finish line with my medallion around my neck!

Ok....I'm going to stop the what if's. The possible painful possibilities. There is so much sadness around this that bubble wrap very tightly can contain it. Talking about it seems to pop one of those bubbles, which I love, but its just safer to keep the precious cargo protected right now. I have a race to finish, and then a blood draw. Until then, I am going to stay focused, and real. If I feel like crying, I'll cry, and just be with myself..and those unborn babes I have since I was a little girl talked about with everyone.

Faith

I'm down in one of my favorite little towns in California, St. Helena. Today I met up with an old friend, an old friend that we have a deep spiritual understanding together. I would say, my closest friends and I share a deep connection in this way. He was telling me about a shoulder injury he has and that he is heading to Brazil to see a spiritual surgeon, or he'll have surgery in the states.

I looked him in the eye and said, "You are going to need to have real surgery."

He and I looking deeply into each others eyes, and he responded by saying, "I don't know why you are saying that. I am not even going to hear that. I am not going to take that reality on. I am not sure if you are saying that, Heather because Western medicine worked for you, and you chose to go that route."

I started telling him more of my story, and I'll skip most of what I said otherwise this post could be a book in and of itself.

But the jest of it, with lots of tears, was this:

" I lost my faith." To get to where I am now, to go through what I went through, I had to let go of it all. How was it, that I..ME..and again, I got cancer in the first place? I remember blogging about this, but one conversation that occurred frequently was this...some loving caring person (because they always meant well)would say, "You will be fine, Heather. You will make it through this." And I would get really angry inside, and say as loving as I could back, "I will be until I am not." And then they would say, "I believe that you create and bring to you whatever you believe. So be careful what you say." And I would say, " I never thought I was going to get cancer, and I did."

You see, this conversation is on FAITH. Faith in lord knows what. Those of you that are Christian could be upset I just used your lords name in vain. Or whatever religion. Whatever religion you are, any walk of life, in any part of this miraculous planet, we all on this planet are just trying to make sense of what happens in life, and to us. Through faith.

We pray, we meditate, we fast, we walk, we run, we do all these things to help us get through. Because life is hard, and life is challenging, and life sometimes simply does not make sense.

It is easier to put your faith out there, and allow yourself to believe that "some great entity's" will, will be done. For your own good.

I am a deeply spiritual person. And this was one of the hardest things for me, and still is. I realized that Faith, is Control. Control in the idea that we do make our own reality. That we are our own magicians. That we can pray to a deity/God and through our faith, "Let go, and Let God." But this is a form of control, as I see it.

I feel like all the praying, all the seeking is our minds just trying to make sense of all of this life stuff, in reality we have nothing to figure out. Life just is.

For me, I chose to surrender into the unknown. Surrender and in the surrendering I learned to love myself deeper. It all boiled down to that. Surrendering and Loving. In the present moment, that is all I had. I believe it is all we ever really have. The hippie in me years ago, used to say its either Fear or Love. But it really is, just Love.

I have a bumper sticker on my car that sums it all up for me, Love Wins. It does, and through this Love, I will come back to having Faith. Because I do deeply believe I am my own magician. And that I do create my reality. But I do also now believe, that sometimes, stuff just happens. And it doesn't make any sense, and no one can tell you why, or how, or even IF at the end of a long struggle, it'll all be worth it.

There is a sadness in this harshness. I cried a lot today, and have over this many times. Faith is what I have stood behind for years. A mask of faith, full archetypal images, and mysticism...but a mask all the same.

Still Point

Coming to a place of gratefulness. How does one get there? Choice.

Sure cancer stole a lot from me, and during this time of writing I get to go back and relive all of that. But..But..there are a lot of pluses, and movements inside me that I choose to look at. Don't get me wrong. When my sister told me she was pregnant, I mourned. She mourned as well, because we'd always hoped and talked about the day we'd be pregnant together. There is loss. There is grief. I do not think its healthy, nor am I saying to overlook, or to shuffle the loss under a rug of pain.

I just choose to look at the positives. The fact that I am here, to be at my nephews birth. To see life. To be apart of his life.

My life, that could've been taken, with the aggressiveness of Triple Negative. I get to train, and run a marathon, that I would've never done before cancer. My mind and the self-imposed limitations are less restrictive now.

Grieve at your own pace. Feel at your own pace. Simply being with yourself, in and on, your journey. It is a journey. This Cancer Journey. If you choose to pay attention in that way. Others choose to not think, and just get through, and go on living life. There is no right way. I would love to hear from any of you, privately, or in the public comments if you wish..when you do come to your place of gratefulness. This will make my heart soar! I am also here, to hear your despair. Believe me, I am there. In the still point. One side is despair, the other gratitude.

My Body...My Book..

This is a simple quick note to you all. I am so loving feeling my body come alive. I have nights that I can sleep, and others..like tonight, that I am so full of joy and excitement for my new life that sleep eludes me. Last night, I slept almost ten hours..

On the 20th, I will be running my first 18 miles. 18 miles is monumental to me. The ones that really pushed me have been 6, 10, 15, and 18 so far. I am excited to feel my body excel and push through its mental barriers.

I am in a true place of gratefulness for cancer, and all of its mysteries and lessons it still is teaching me. About me. Closer to me. Who would have ever thought that an illness makes One Whole?

I guess Dis-Ease is that. Where the body was not harmonious, is where the disease starts. I used to love my "hippie" friends saying that little phrase. It sure did not mean what it means to me now.

Today, on the plane I watched, This Is It, and started making my notes and lists for my book. I guess, I've started it.

I am a little torn on what to do. Many of you have requested I simply publish this blog as is, with adding what I see are "chapter notes" or "quiz like summaries".

On the other hand,

I want to write the book I've always visualized. So, I am going to write my book, and maybe make the blog a free PDF, or something....

Or maybe there are two books.